I know it varies from state to state but videotaping somebody without their permission could be illegal and uploading it to youtube could be a violation of their privacy.
I know a man who tapped his own phone to catch his cheating wife and when he brought it out as evidence in the divorce he got trouble for violating wiretapping laws.
It’s not only a dickish move, but it could be illegal as well.
I didn’t say she was being emotionally abusive.
Also, what she was doing was not in any way morally equivalent to physical abuse than some wives suffer from.
The main point is that in both cases (this woman vs a wife-beating husband) an adult is doing something that is inexcusable (in the latter case, it is more severe and is also illegal, but both are inexcusable for people who want to be considered mature adults).
So, we have a woman who is acting in an inexcusable manner, and people are trying to come up with excuses for her
[ul]
[li]“He was winding her up”[/li][li]“He knows how to push her buttons”[/li][li]“He didn’t stop for cigarettes”[/li][li]“They both probably have legitimate hurt feelings with regard to one another”[/li][li]“Ask yourself this question: If he’s been in a long relationship with this lovely lady, what does that say about his judgment?”[/li][/ul]
So, if we had a man who was acting in an inexcusable manner, would people be trying to come up with excuses for him?
[ul]
[li]“She was winding him up”[/li][li]“She knows how to push his buttons”[/li][li]“She didn’t stop for cigarettes”[/li][li]“They both probably have legitimate hurt feelings with regard to one another”[/li][li]“Ask yourself this question: If she’s been in a long relationship with this lovely gentelman, what does that say about her judgment?”[/li][/ul]
When the husband’s response to these “triggers” (e.g. her not stopping for cigarettes) is to hit his wife, no one will think of blaming the wife for “winding him up” or “pushing his buttons”. We can clearly see that even if she is doing all these things, there is no excuse on his part to act this way. She didn’t make him do anything, it’s under his control how he reacts to her, and hitting her is inexcusable.
In the current video, since the wife isn’t doing anything as harmful as physically hurting someone, people are coming up with all sorts of rationalizations as to why she is behaving that way. But the bottom line is, even though this is not in any way morally equivalent to physical abuse, it is still inexcusable behavior for anyone over four years old. He didn’t make her do anything, it’s under her control how she reacts to him, and throwing a tantrum like that is inexcusable.
Look at this guy, screaming and flailing around like a child. Inexcusable!
If you seriously can’t see the nuance between some screaming and leg kicking in the middle of a marital argument and a guy beating another human being… I’m not sure what else there is to say.
I think what you’re not understanding here is that most agree her behavior is inexcusable. What we’re saying is that his behavior is also inexcusable. I am not making excuses for either of them. Perhaps we got our wires crossed there - I don’t personally buy the ‘‘winding her up’’ theory because everyone is ultimately responsible for their own behavior. I agree these kinds of statements come across as rationalizations. However, the arguments that what he did is okay because of what she did to him also come across as rationalizations.
The only thing we really seem to disagree on is whether or not him posting on the internet is okay. I think it’s an asshole thing to do. When I told my husband this story, without giving him my own opinion on the matter or even implying the man’s behavior was an issue, his immediate response was ‘‘What a dick.’’ He actually finds the man’s behavior to be worse than the woman’s. So I am not alone in my assessment and I am certainly not gender-biased as you seem to be implying. I just think the man has no excuse for attempting to humiliate his wife in that way. It’s an incredibly immature response to conflict. Verdict: they are both incredibly immature.
I take issue with you lumping all of our statements together as if we all share the same views. I am trying to regard both of them with some compassion, which necessitates acknowledging their pain. I look at things like this and I just see tragedy. That is not the same thing as rationalizing her behavior.
That looks totally staged.
Certain behavior deserves a humiliating response. Shaming can often be an effective tool. There is a fundamental asymmetry between profound misbehavior and the exposing of that misbehavior.
I think that we fundamentally agree. I also think it was an asshole thing not to go to the lake because he “had to rotate his tires”.
Yeah, that “pushed her buttons” excuse isn’t gonna fly. One shouldn’t HAVE buttons that make them act that way.
I’d be rotating my tires every day off to avoid going to the lake with that woman.
I don’t fault him for being smug and recording with a smile. I know what it’s like to have someone run to family, friends, or the internet during fights and misrepresent what was going on, and it pisses you off. I know what it’s like to have someone that goes off the rails over minor things and it can be hard to get anyone to believe you.
Recording people like that is a fantastic way to protect your reputation and protect yourself from ridiculous claims later, like that you shoved them or screamed back at them. Uploading it to the general public may have been a jerk move, but sharing it with people who know you both is a great way to show what is really going on.
I didn’t much talk about the explosive outbursts of my ex-wife and she was careful to do it in private. When I left and started talking to others about it instead of lying and covering for her, they didn’t believe it was true or that I was exaggerating or whitewashing my own part in it. Then she finally let the mask slip in public and proved me right. I had a huge smile on my face when it happened because finally I had external witnesses and external validation that I wasn’t crazy and that these things were really happening.
She was tricked into the tantrum!
I could not be less surprised that she claims that she isn’t in control of her own actions.
Yep. They’re both acting like petty assholes. It’s a shame they couldn’t be more mature about this.
Ok, I am now officially old.
ETA although not that old, as my next thought was to post this comment on Facebook…
Out of curiosity, for all those who are claiming some sort of “asshole equivalency” between the two, if you had to be stuck on a desert island or in a log cabin in the woods with one of the two, for several months, who would you pick to have with you?
I’d definitely pick the guy. No way I’d choose to be stuck with someone like her.
I was not using that phrase to make an excuse for her behavior. However, his patronizing comebacks to her tantrum succeeded very well in extending the length of the tantrum so he could be sure to catch it on tape. That’s rather childish on his part. Cleary, she has a whole lot of growing up to do. Clearly, he needs to work on his own behavior patterns as well.
I wish them both success in their future relationships but it ain’t gonna happen for either of them without a lot of work.
Straight up, that guy is a douche.
We don’t know these people, or their situations. Sure, the wife looks pretty bad but nobody’s perfect. Regardless of her behavior, you don’t do what he did. He’s pretty much ruined both of their reputations across the entire country for life. Talking shit to your friends or posting mean things on Facebook is elementary compared to what this guy just pulled.
Fuck him. I hope he never gets laid again.
You evil, vile, nasty woman! Can I be your friend? 
She clearly has substance issues; in interlock means at least one, but usually more than one DUI/DWI. She also can’t run errands because of it, which indicates she’s drinking during the day. I’d bet she AOB during the car ride. She’s suffering from nic withdrawal. She has anxiety issues…& he is doing everything he can to push her buttons. Yeah, her behavior is over the top, but he had some part in helping her up the mountain.
I’d date her.
[QUOTE=Schism]
I’d date her.
[/QUOTE]
You’d date her? Or you’d do her?