You...you...self-centered, loud mouthed, cruel *sputter*! How DARE you!!!

The BBQ Pit
#1

In this thread I discuss a recent emotionally charged life changing event. (Necessary for background info.)

So, a couple of days ago, Mr. Clawbane’s friend comes over to our house to visit. (I consider him a “little brother”) He brings his wife with him, who does not get along with me, and though I strive to get along with her for harmony’s sake, it taxes me. She’s always looking for offense from me, and is quite aggressive in her responses to my perceived “insults” or “put downs”. Everyone else is puzzled by her reactions too, and feel she’s over-reacting. (Yes, for those perceptive people, she’s the one who was the subject of my infamous “wedding” thread a while back…)

She is the type who always wants to be the center of attention, and who wants everyone to conform to her pre-concieved notions regarding their personalities. She grandly makes “proclomations” as to a person’s nature, and gets pissy when they don’t behave as she “knows” they should, even to the point of telling a person that they “Can’t be feeling that way, because that’s not what you are like”. She also gossips to everyone else about so-and so’s stupid deeds, and passes judgement, and critiques them on their mishandling of their own life.

She’s known to throw a tantrum, shout and stomp off when an arguement she picks is not going her way. (Even to the point of waking up other people in the house she’s visiting.)

So, to get on with the story… We’ve invited the best friend over to relay an important message from someone who was unable to contact him. This person contacted us because they knew that Mr. Clawbane would be able to get ahold of him. (Long story, not really relavant, and private anyway.)

Well, it had taken us a day and a half to get in contact with them, and by that time they had already recieved the news. Instead of being graceful, and thanking us, this person started right away coping a superior attitude and talking down to us, saying she already knew the things.

The final straw came as they were stomping off though. (He follows her lead, she controls every aspect of his life, including when he goes to sleep, and when he wakes up. She won’t wake up with the baby, nor will she stay up with it. He has to get up at 4 am for work too.) She was being pissy because I was standing up for myself, and pointing out that she was treating me like shit, and indirectly but firmly demanding she stop.

I wanted to show my little brother my scar, so he could see how it was healing, and also the length of it. (He looked at it, and was “impressed” and sympathetic.) It was not in an indescrete spot, so I did not have any qualms with showing it to him.

Mr. Clawbane had already taken the Polaroid the Gyn. had given me over to their house to show them so the wife could finally understand why I had been so sick before the surgery, and unable to help them with things like housework, and teaching her how to cook and clean, as much as she wanted. The photo showed both the tumor, and my uterus. (This is a woman who had me in her hospital room as she was giving birth…)

She made the boneheaded comment just before the surgery that I’d recover in no time, because it would be “Just like giving birth.” She did not have to have a C-section, so she really had no idea what she was talking about, she said I’d be walking up and down stairs within days, that it would be no shock to my system at all. I explained to her that it was a system shock to have any organ removed, and more than one person spoke up and corrected her on this notion.

Instead of just leaving it at “I don’t want to see your scar” and walking out of sight line of it, she had to make the comment. “I don’t want to see it, I saw the picture of the tumor, you gave birth!”

Sputter Wha? HOW DARE YOU! You cruel, mannerless…sputter! I can’t believe you are continuing to be so self absorbed!!! How could you say such a thing to me, after what you KNOW I’ve just been through?!!!

I pity your baby, I really do. Oh, wait, she’s already a Daddy’s girl because at every opportunity for three months, you have handed her to him, so you can sit on your butt and do nothing productive! (Literal truth, as witnessed by numerous people, and said by him in an arguement at their home he had with her. He was too drunk to care who heard it, it’s the only way he can stand up to her. He was pleading with her to let him sleep, and to take turns caring for the baby. He might as well be a single parent, he takes care of her the majority of the time.)

How breathlessly rude to say such a thing to a person who’s JUST HAD HER UTERUS REMOVED AND WILL NEVER GIVE BIRTH NOW!!! How WILLFULLY IGNORANT! You need a session with a clue by four. (Definition: A good verbal telling off, by a peer, hopefully embarassing her enough and exerting enough “peer pressure” that the behavior will be lessened or checked.)

Gave birth to what?!! A monstrous tumor that looks like a round brain? Even though the incision is the same as what is used for a C-section, and recovery time is the same, and I realize this, that’s still an ignorant, thoughtless comment that caused pain! You have a lot of growing up to do, brat!

Given a choice between having that comment said to me, and the lasting pain I will have to work through for months+, or having the pain I felt that first day just after I woke up from surgery, I’d take the surgical pain. (I had to hit the button for pain medication every time I moved a fraction. They set it up so you dose yourself in this instance. I was given Demarol.)

I’m officially “through” with her. If my “little brother” wants to visit with me, he can come here. His wife is not welcome, but he and the baby are. Even my husband agrees with this, in fact he said it first, I was still stunned speechless. (If Mr. Clawbane wants to go visit him in his home, that too is an option, and he does sometimes, without me. It’s better that way.)

I’m not going to be used, or hurt by her any more. She’s literally only nice to me, and doesn’t pick fights with me, when she wants a favor. Usually one that requires a lot of time and effort from me.* I don’t have to take that kind of crap, life is too short to let that kind of shit pollute it. Farewell, nasty using cretin, go find another victim to leech from!

*Like me spending $225 to have a dress specially tailored so I could be her bride’s maid. (Just one example.)

Her maid of honor bought a second hand/thrift store gown for $68, there was only one of that kind though, and none of the other dresses were alike, so to keep with the “theme” I had to have one that looked similar sewn/altered from a pattern I had. Material alone cost $90. (I only get $550 a month.)

Oh, yes the kicker is there are no good photos of me from the wedding, and none of me and my husband together, he was best man. There are very few photos of me at all, I was pretty well a non-entity, shown in the background, or cut off, or blurred because I’m moving from one place to another.

We also have not received any kind of thank you note for the nice very handy (in the bride and groom’s words, and he’s sincere) gift we gave them, or the participation in the wedding. (We helped clean up the building for the reception, and decorate, and stayed to clean up afterwards. The maid of honor did not help set it up, and only sullenly made a token gesture towards clean up.) Just an example of the crapping on I get from her and her family. Her family was in charge of photo documentation. Yes, I’m PISSED at her, for more than one reason.

#2

Why on earth do you keep these people in your life?

#3

Because the guy is my husband’s best friend, they’ve known each other almost their entire lives.

Sadly the man is ill, and has willingly gone into an abusive marriage. I asked him why he kept going back to her after she’d crap on him and leave, he told me “Because I don’t think I could get regular sex from anyone else.” He has no self-esteem, and is vunerable to abusive relationships. Hubby thinks she tore him down so he wouldn’t leave her, he says he saw her do it. I came into the picture after they’d been dating for over a year.

I realize that it’s important that my husband stay in this man’s life, he’s the only “support” the guy is “allowed” now. She’s cut him off from his parents, and “plays favorites” when it comes to grandparental visits too. His parents can only see the baby in their apartment, but her grandmother (who raised her) can take the baby on outings without mom or dad.

He needs a friend, and will need one in the future I sumrise, if the marriage breaks up, as I strongly suspect it will. She “approves” of my husband, and calls him her “big brother”, so she has no problem with the two hanging out together and encourages it. Hopefully my hubby’s quiet support will bolster him through whatever comes up.

#4

This is the kind of person that I would firmly grasp by the back of the neck and bodily throw out of my house. And I’ve never actually considered doing that to anyone before.

**Get this insane bitch out of your life at all costs! **

#5

Ok, so HER husband needs YOUR husband. That doesn’t mean that YOU need to be around HER. Find reasons that you just can’t see her or help her or communicate with her or be around her for even two minutes at a stretch. She’s hurting you, and while your concern for her husband may warrant your being civil to her, it doesn’t warrant you going through hell yourself. Stay awaaaay!

#6

In these kinds of situations, not only do condone it, but I urge you to give this bitch what she deserves: A good hearty bitch slapping session.

I know violence is not the answer, but you gotta make this bitch hurt

#7

Paint thinner. In both of her eyes.

#8

I’ma-gonna second that motion.

#9

What I find disturbing (besides the fact that this spiteful little twat is just a hideously ugly person right down to her bones) is that in comparing your tumor to a child, she kinda also compared her child to a tumor, a comparison that seems to accurately reflect her perception. Poor kid.

Good on you for getting her out of your life. You have more self-control than I do; I would have given her a hearty bitchslap and a size 9 goodbye she’d feel for years.

#10

Dragonblink: Only a bitchslap? Maybe if you slapped her in the eyes. After you’d soaked your hand in paint thinner.

#11

These people in your circle of ‘friends’ are how old? Aren’t most still teenagers like your husband? Lots of teenagers are very mature for their age, these aren’t. Hang with different people. You might want to try making ‘friends’ with people closer to your age.

#12

You’re fucking kidding. Right? You don’t really advocate physically harming someone who has been merely rude and insensitive? Christ, what a charming asshole you must be.

#13

Am I being whooshed here? Whats so spectacular about paint thinner? And what KIND of paint thinner? Petroleum distillates? In her eyes?
Why mess around, go straight for fuming nitric acid or, as long as we’re being completely OTT, just gouge one out with a spoon and eat it.

Testy

#14

Zabali_Clawbane, I had no Idea you knew an Ex-Cow-Orker of mine from 3 jobs back. Let me guess: She’s never wrong, she knows everything about everything (but just can’t seem to manage to do Anything). Anything that disagrees with the above causes her to rub her temples and spasm her neck muscles. That and she hides the fact that she has seizures that she refuses to be treated for “…because there’s nothing wrong with me.” She’s one of those people Ray Davies was referring to when he said, “…Man, there’s Really something Wrong with you!”

By All Means, sever ties with this woman (and Yes, it would be worth it to you to ruin a good pair of shoes if you happen to lose one ‘helping’ her off your front porch steps). She is Insane. Actually, she should be The Last Person to ever diss someone with a tumor, as I’d bet $20 that there’s a golf-ball sized malignancy inside that squirming-toad brain of hers.

Yes, you should pity the children as they’ll never be raised normally and will inherit her genetics. If your husband really likes your friend, he should convince him to take out extra health & life insurance on her. If she’s going to be stupid/stubborn enough to let fate drop a house on her, at the very least the money will help make sure she leaves her family more than her smelly red shoes…

#15

I understand the good faith efforts but you’ve gone well beyond what would ever be expected of anyone. Now her attitude has turned abusive. Whatever it takes, make steps to get this woman out of your life permanently. She’s evil.

#16

Spouting empty threats seems to be common practice in the pit. I might fantasize about tossing paint thinner in the eyes of someone who had made an extremely hurtful and tasteless comment towards a poster, but the most I would do in real life is give them a slap for it. I recognize that everyone makes stupid comments, and, no, I’m not going to do something to risk taking away their vision for that, but the comment in question was a real stinker. Every time you tell someone that you’ll kill someone if they do “x”, have you been serious?

And, yeah, I’d like to think that I’m a pretty charming asshole. :stuck_out_tongue:

#17

Dragonblink Wow! That is a disturbing observation, but you are right. Poor kid, I do find myself wishing I could be an “Auntie” to her, she needs a bit of balancing influence so she won’t hate and fear her own gender. :frowning: At least the kid is showing signs that the father’s genetics are in play to some extent, so there’s a bit of hope. (She looks like him, and even has some of his mannerisms, the baby has to have one foot out from under the covers. My husband says that it’s a trait of her daddy…)

** byter ** A bit snarky aren’t we? Your tone came off as “peering down the nose”, which is lacking in social grace. Here’s a useful anecdote for you.

When I was in Kindergarten, we were working on our Spring Program, which featured the songs from the movie Bambi. To quote Thumper’s mom in verse: “If you can’t say something nice. Shh, say nothing! Take a bit of good advice. Shh, say nothing!” Words for you to strive to live by… I might one day tell the wife this too, if I have the misfortune to encounter her again.

Actually my husband is 20 now, and his best friend is 22, the wife is only 18. (I only just turned 31, my husband is very mature emotionally, and has a sensible head.) I have other friends who are 25 to 50+ in this town,and another who is in her late 30’s living nearby. They have no connection to Mr. Clawbane’s best friend. My husband’s best friend is the youngest I have. (And I’m better friends with his parent’s, his dad is in his 50’s, his mom is in her early 40’s.)

The only reason I seem to be surrounded by “youths” at times is because of the age of my husband’s best friend, we hang out with him, and his friends, who actually range quite a bit in age too, but not as widely as mine do. The crowd my husband’s friend most often finds himself among are all in their early to mid 20’s.

You will note, I say “we” hang out with “him”. I tried to avoid his wife as much as possible in the past, and now will have nothing to do with her. I found she’s somewhat dilluted in large groups, more people for her to spread her malevolence on I guess.

So, you didn’t actually have anything to contribute to this thread but lazily drawled “obversations” meant to show your “astounding” memory, and imply that you are somehow better than the OP eh? You’ve said a lot about what type of person you are with that post. Very judgemental, and the rigid type who, once an opinion is made, won’t let go of it easily, if at all.

quietman1920 Yeah, she’s “never wrong”, and if you bring hard proof that she is, (because she’s hounding you, and won’t let the topic be) she get’s pissy, and starts to make excuses, and says things like “You misunderstood me, that wasn’t what I meant” or “Well, my {insert name of “authority” here} told me this”.

She’s Manic Depressive, been hospitalized for it, and won’t go back on her medicines for it now that she’s given birth because she “Doesn’t want to be numb”. She hasn’t even let the Doctors get her “stabalized” they were still trying balance her meds when she got pregnant, so the theraputic dosages needed by her aren’t even known yet. If she’d let them work with her, she’d be able to find a balance likely. I did. I take enough medicine that I don’t go “over the edge” but not so much that I can’t draw or write at all.

Beyond the mentall illness, she has character defects. A “NEED” to control her surroundings, and suck out all the attention/sympathy from those in it. She’s a black hole of need, and she won’t get the help necessary to get better. She’s made statements to me revealing a Sadistic nature too. I fear for her husband.

She sees only what she wants to see, and becomes aggressive and hostile if the “reality of the majority around her” imprints on her perceptions. Example: She liked the guy I was dating before Mr. Clawbane, and was very angry when I left the guy. (As if she had any right at all to have any kind of say regarding who I dated or not!)

This person turned out to be a Werewolf in a Sheepskin, I found out from his family he’d been in prison for a violent crime, attempted murder. (I’m not from this town.) He started being abusive within a month and a half of starting to date me (at which point I went to the battered women’s shelter and began making “escape” plans which take time to implement safely) including nearly snapping my kitten’s head off because I closed the bathroom door so I could poo, and have my period in solitude. He didn’t actually hit me, the relationship didn’t escalate that far, I left before it could. He would threaten me, break stuff, verbally abuse me, and refuse sex. I got out FAST, I only dated him for 3 months total. (Yes, that’s record time, and shows how much I’ve grown and healed.)

When I left him, she was very upset, and stopped talking to me, but not before she “ordered” me to go back to him! Then she began coming around me, but for the purpose of reporting my activity to him!!! We’ve already had it out over that, and faint she actually admitted that it was wrong. (This was the ONLY reason I’d even be around her for a short time before this.) This however, was after she herself had gotten involved with an abuser after leaving our friend for the “100th” time.

Thing is, she didn’t believe that he was abusive and told me so to my face. She blamed me for making him feel “inferior”. She said I did the same to her! One of the things he’d do was chew me out for “Using them big words!” (Ugh, I know Caveman, I beat myself for it enough, none of that from you, understood?) she actually placed blame on me for his poor self control and bad behavior. The abuser found out I was leaving him, and began verbally “beating” me, following me out of my apartment and down the block. He threatened to kill me less than a block from the Police Station!

For the record, Mr. Clawbane’s best friend is just as well spoken as me, and did not see any flaw in my behavior. He said I was a “Perfect hostess”, Mr. Clawbane said similar, as did other’s who I had over at the same time as my abuser and this chic. I’d evenly divide my attention among my guests, and include them all in conversation. If supper time came, I’d make enough to feed everyone, etc.

Our life is going to be so much more peaceful without that creature in it. Sad thing is though, Mr. Clawbane will still have to be in her prescence in order to be near his best friend and quietly offer support in that silent way of his. They share a bond strong enough that words aren’t needed, a glance or expression is enough, followed by deeds.

He’s got a way of being able to “tune her out” though. It’s almost funny, I can look at him and know that instead of what she’s saying he’s got mental “white noise” masking it, but she’s deluded enough to believe that he’s hanging on her every word! He also employs “selective listening” in that if it’s a question about me, or something similar he’ll pick up on it and respond, but other than that he’ll make a non-commital sound every now and then. Sadly, these are things that don’t work for me with her. I’ve tried with her and failed, though I can use my own version of them in other settings. :frowning:

#18

Yup, just once. A threat is worthless if it isn’t serious. I told him to his face. He did the smart thing, and I never talked to him again.

{{Zabali_Clawbane}} [sub]'though I’ve never heard a woman describe “refuse sex” as abuse![/sub]

#19

Lizard Thanks :slight_smile:

It’s a form of control, it’s a tactic that is rarer for guys to use. It is more common for the guy to only have sex, when, where, and how he wants, and to control her that way. However, if he (or she) “punishes” you by not having sex, and makes it clear that this is what they are doing, it’s abuse.

We only had sex when he wanted it, and how he wanted it, and only if I had been “good”. (Think Till Tuesday’s “Hush hush” video.) It’s different from abstaining from sex just after a fight, when the couple is still angry, and the problems aren’t resolved. More commonly though, he’d wait a day or two, THEN refuse sex because I did “such and so”, on more than one occaision with no indication that I’d made him mad at the time he named.

He was messing with my mind, trying to break me down and get control of all aspects of my life. (How many non-abusers do you know who insist on the bathroom door being left open so they can see what their lover is doing, when the lover is crapping, and having a nasty period?) It’s insidious, but I recognized all of what he was doing as abuse quickly that time.

This guy wasn’t as “smooth” as my first abuser, he was too impatient. Guess he figured I was still nice and tender from my previous “relationship” and didn’t count on the fact that I’d grown a new spine, this time improved, it’s a Titanium Spine.

I’m still pissed at that woman’s audacity, reporting my activities to such a dangerous man! I ended up in the battered woman’s shelter because he threatened to kill me, and I did suceed in getting a restraining order against him. (Not an easy thing to do around here, the Law here is skeptical when it comes to allegations of domestic violence, and grants very few “PFA’s”.)

She knew I was in the battered woman’s shelter, she called me there, with an advesarial tone in her voice, and said “You’ve got some explaining to do!” She also demanded that I patch things up with him, and go back to him. She never gave me a chance to try to tell her my side of what happened, she just made demands.

She did have other people tell her what happened though, and she still took the abuser’s side. (Her delusional attitude can accurately be portrayed as: “La la la, no he is NOT a bad man! You’re trying to hide your failures! It’s all your fault anyway! YOU’RE the bad person, and you should start being good!” She does this with other things too, refusing to see that there can be anything cruel or illegal done by the person she sees as being “good”. It’s also true in a broader sense, she refused to believe that she could get mugged walking through the ghetto at night, until she was mugged.)

She knew her boyfriend (now husband) had to go with me to the abuser’s aunt’s house with 2 other friends to get my I.D. card, and Social Security card which he took from my purse. The abuser’s aunt was a fairly sensible sort, and wanted no trouble from the law, so we did have hope of getting them back. (We did, and the abuser was not in her apartment at the time.)

She saw the things he broke, and she still chose to let him know the addresses of where I went, and at what times. (I’d changed my habits.) She also let him know that I left the apartment building by one way, and came in the other.

I told her off thoroughly for it, and let her know that if I had come to harm because of it, that she’d be blamed as an accessory, because more than one person knew she was doing it. I also told her that the “Rule of Three” would come back and bite her. She claims to be Wiccan. (The Rule of Three is the premise that whatever energy you put out will return to you Threefold, so put out good energy by doing good deeds, and striving to not cause harm. “As you sow, so shall you reap.”)

I had hope for a time, that since she actually admitted she was wrong, AND apologized, that she was actually making an effort to grow. Now I can see she was doing what it took to stay in good with our friend so he wouldn’t leave her, so she could snow him more. She wanted to get everyone off of her back, not make amends, or learn and grow.

This latest incident is the final straw, I’d been avoiding her as much as possible, not going over when they’d invite both of us, staying home while Mr. Clawbane went to see his friend etc. I don’t need such an insensitive cruel ass in my life, and I won’t have one.

I’m out. “Little brother” can come see me without her, it will end up being more peaceful for him too. (Mr. Clawbane already goes to see him without me, with no objection from me.) I don’t imagine that having his wife pissed at his friend/best friend’s wife is a good feeling. I know it taxes Mr. Clawbane, and so I’ve tried to be the mature one, and just let minor things slide. Things have just escalated though, the more I let slide, the more she’d push. I tried digging in my heels and not giving an inch too, that didn’t work either. It resulted in her actually telling my abuser what I was up to.

I do know, that I need to get to my counselor and work out all of this so I can move on. It’s something I will do. For now though, yelling through e-space, while I excise the source of my aggravation in real life is helping some.

I just hope that maybe someone will read this thread, and relate to it, and take the steps necessary to start growing and having joy again, and get rid of the poisinous abusive people in their lives. It’s not worth it, life’s too short to let things like this drain your vitality away.

#20

Alright, I take back the “empty thread” bit, sorta. Maybe she does need petroleum distillate to the peepers.