Adults who act like 15 year olds in relationships

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Just when the fuck do adults grow up? Do they ever grow up, or do they recede into childhood after a while? His story:

46 year old brother and his 47 year old girlfriend are no longer talking. A minor disagreement turned into a couple of days of silence. Then he tried to break the ice, but nothing. After 2 fricking years of dating . They have discussed marriage, but he hasn’t proposed. That’s how serious this is/was

So they:

a) talk like adults
b) cool off for a week and chat
c) talk like adults
d) He calls and emails her and she just ignores him. For two weeks now.

Hint: Don’t even consider a or c.

How can a grown 47 year old college educated mother do this to a guy she once professed love for? They’re talking marriage, kids and then poof?

He finally got her on the phone at work. She talked about work and how busy and ugly it is. He’s all supportive and say’s that when you are supposed to rely on you guy (I wish I could find a guy to say that to me!) He says:

Brother: “I’m here for you, unless this isn’t something you want to do any more. Is that what you are telling me?”
Girlfriend *“No.” *

OK. He thinks they’re on. But still no communication. Two days later, Brother even sent her a nice, clear email asking if it was over, all she had to do was say “Yes” and hit the reply button and he’s a least he’d have peace of mind:

“I’ve tried to patient with our current lack of communication, but the silence is becoming deafening here. I asked you if you wanted our relationship to end the other day, and you said “no.” Perhaps I misinterpreted that, or you just didn’t want to get into it at work. If that’s the case I hope you’ll clear it up. We’ve been dating for almost two years, alluded to marriage and built some great memories, so I’ve assumed that we are “on” unless you tell me straight up we aren’t. This is getting harder to do.”

What was her response? Absomotherfuckingluty nothing! This is not a shy girl, by any stretch. Not shy at all.

So he sends he flowers. No, not a great choice, but it’s worse than stalking her. What does he get then? Finally an email (not a call) from the girlfriend:
“I didn’t want the day to end without thanking you for the roses - they are beautiful. I’m too drained to put more words together - I’m sorry.”
Why can’t she just say (pick your own cliché):

You’re a great guy but . . .
This really isn’t working for me . . .
I’m sorry it’s come to this . . .

And tell him that it’s over?
But no. She sends him a bare thank you, that is just enough to give the lad hope.

Someone out there explain this (*!#@^!@(&#( crap???

2

My only guess–he keeps calling back, e-mailing, etc., so she’s enjoying stringing him along? Cruel, but logical (at least to someone who thinks that way)

3

We are talking about complex human love emotions here. She needs time. It could be 2 weeks a month…another couple hours?

I have hope for your bro. Tell him there is nothing like a good hardcore make-up love making session! :smiley:

4

It might be a time thing. But why string him along? Why doesn’t she just tell him that she needs time, or tell him to blow. Frankly (no offense) this sounds like something a guy would do.

5

Perhaps it’s really, really busy and ugly at work and she’s too tired and drained to deal with relationship problems at this point? He could take her at her word…

6

I do think that he might be best served by trying to disengage himself and not call her or anything for a bit. Yes, I know they were talking marriage and all before, but it doesn’t seem like this situation leaves him a lot of choice on what to do at the moment.

7

Well, just as easily you could wonder:

why can’t he see that she means all those things?

8

Sounds to me like the disagreement wasn’t so minor. It may have been over what seems like a trivial issue, but maybe it exposed some heavy shit for her. Who knows.

9

hehe…on first read, I was gonna suggest you fuck off, but then I realized I’ve done something very similar. :smack:

10

Agreed, but I’d add that at this point he should get a life. Not to say that he doesn’t already have one, but he should be spending his time out with friends, engaging in hobbies, etc. His sudden withdrawl from the relationship might just wake her up. If she feels a bit left out, she might start doing the chasing. And if she doesn’t, well… He has a life.

11

You might be right. But after two years, you’d think she’d ensure that he didn’t have to guess. Especially after he asked her directly if it was over.

Thanks.

12

I’ve done something similar before, and to my husband (at the time). It was a minor disagreement that blossomed into a full-fledged recap of everything wrong with each other. He was on the road at the time so it’s not like we had to come home and face each other at night, so when the yelling event of the match was over (the russian judge gave me the highest score, btw) the silent exercise stretched over days. I told him something very similar to what the girl in the OP said to your brother - basically that I was busy at work and simply didn’t have the energy or the will to rehash the fight. All the fight in me was gone. I was just “blah” for days.

She probably is all out of fight and his attempts at communication are becoming simple “pestering” to her. The fact that she wrote to tell him what she thought of the lovely flowers is maybe a good sign.

Not to cast a downer on it, but if that is the kind of fight it is (where she just doesn’t have any fight left in her anymore) I’m sorry to say that it may not get any better from here for him. I know from my personal experience it didn’t. But there’s a whole big ol’ ball of crazy attached to that relationship that your brother is not dealing with. So here’s hoping.

13

If the relationship isn’t important enough for her to deal with even if she’s tired and drained NOW, when they’re not living together and just dating, how important is it going to be for her if it becomes more serious? If she can’t muster the energy and time to work on the relationship, then it doesn’t seem like the relationship is that much of a big deal to her.

As the saying goes, when someone shows you how they really feel about you, believe them.

14

I agree. But not to beat a dead horse, what keeps him spun up, and confounds me, is the fact that when she is asked point blank on the phone, or in an email if she wants the relationship to end, she either said “no” or refused to answer.

I agree though, the actions speak pretty loud.

15

Ahem. As Dan Savage would say:

DTMFA.

A bit harsh perhaps, but she’s definitely not investing anything into the relationship. SO, DTMFA, and let your brother find a woman who will reciprocate his feelings.

16

My 17 year old daughter stopped to visit today and was reading this thread. She was a little PO’d by the title. She has been seeing the same guy since she was 15 years old. Spifflog: she says your bro & his ho (her terms, she was pissed) are acting like twelve year olds.

17

It’s obvious. She has met another guy. She wants to see how things go with that guy before calling it quits officially with your bro. If/when things go sour with that other dude, she can call your bro back up and be like “honey, I’ve missed you so much. Let’s never fight again!!”

If this new guy turns out to be a hit after about a month, she’ll finally tell your brother its over. Or, maybe by then, she wont need to. He’ll take the hint.

18

Well whatever the truth of the matter I don’t think your brother is helping himself (or the situation) by continually going after her for an answer. Back off, focus on other stuff (I assume he has a life of his own) and, as someone else said upthread, maybe that will prompt her into action in itself. Or maybe it won’t, either way his efforts currently aren’t achieving anything.

19

Wow, apparently I was dating a guy in late '86. That sure was a bang-up disguise job, although I guess “Hilary” can be an ambiguously-gendered name. :dubious:

20

Hi

just the cynical male sexist pig in me but…

She’s a woman who is too tired to fight ( a rare occurence in itself)…yet in her mind she hasnt won the fight yet…

So, she is bidding her time so that she can feel (in HER mind) like she won the fight, or gets a second wind to fight some more, or drives the guy to do something jerkish (in some strange measure of hers) that confirms that her “intuition” was right all along (if not self fullfilling) and that he isnt the right guy for her (and of course its HIS fault for not being the right guy).

Who, me cynical?

Blll