Adults who act like 15 year olds in relationships

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

She could be busy, she could be having a tough time dealing with whatever happened between them, or she could be going through something else entirely - whatever the case - I don’t think any of those things have anything to do with her CLEAR refusal to discuss things with someone she CHOSE to be in relationship with for two years.

How difficult is it to EXPLAIN what is going on. Nothing happening to her right now is happening without her knowledge and consent. She’s not a prisoner somewhere, having silence forced upon her. The fact that she has the freedom and the ability to give your brother a real explanation and is choosing not to, is disturbing.

It sounds like she’s through with him, and has moved on, but is keeping him around just in case her secret plans aren’t everything she expected they would be.

Her behaviour is unacceptable and ridiculous. If you can’t GET OVER something that happened, then explain that. Hey, I’m not big enough to get past our disagreement, or hey, I don’t feel like it would be beneficial to my life to bother trying to work things out with you. She could have said something. Something more

42

And I’m reading a lot of things that don’t seem to make sense to me. She may need time, the situation between them could be more complicated than you understand, he should take a hint. What does any of that, or anything at all, have to do with a grown person refusing to use their words to explain their position? I’m in my early twenties and see it a lot, especially from girlfriends.

They get angry about something someone said or did and specifically withhold their feelings about it, all the while subtly punishing the person. There was a fight between myself and a friend that lasted for over a month that I didn’t even know I was involved in. When I’d heard from someone else that she was mad at me for something I’d said six weeks prior, I was in total shock. When I learned that she had gone to everyone but me to complain about that something I said, I ended that friendship. It’s a sickening behaviour. What’s so hard about talking things out? Maybe most people really do want to avoid finding peace in their lives.

43

Short answer: he should bail, now. He’s done what he could and if she isn’t responding, it’s time to move on.

Long answer: as has been pointed out, it could be a lot more complicated than the OP or the OP’s bro might realize, e.g. triggering old baggage. Supposing he did…that’s something they need to discuss, e.g. “Honey, I know it’s my hangup, but please don’t ABC.” When she shuts down communication, that avenue for rescuing the relationship is null and void. If it’s too difficult for her to talk about, it must be nasty stuff she hasn’t begun to deal with, and OP’s bro needs to take this exit.

IMO and IME communication is necessary (but not sufficient) for a relationship. OP’s bro needs to back off and leave her alone, see what she does. He needs to set himself a deadline, e.g. “If she doesn’t contact me in the next week, this is over. If I don’t see her in the next two weeks, this is over.” I wouldn’t give her an ultimatum. See what she does, without any prompting, and let the chips fall where they may. He doesn’t want to be the squeaky wheel.

And no backsliding on that decision. Set a time frame that’s reasonable and stick to it. People in relationships communicate regularly.

I know people get uber busy at work. Sometimes it’s cyclical, like air conditioning repair places are hopping during the summer. Other times, it’s a big, new, important account or whatever. But I don’t buy that she’s too busy to communicate if she genuinely cares.

Supposing she’s a workaholic, OP’s bro should have seen that in the two years they’ve been dating and he should have realized that he would always be second to her work. That doesn’t sound like what he really wants.

I have a hunch she’s punishing him, that this is an extended version of the cold shoulder. I don’t think he should settle for a “relationship” where he has to prove, repeatedly and continuously, that he’s sorry, especially if she can’t open up and communicate. If she can’t forgive and forget the little things, the relationship is going to be awful.

44

Good responses all. I do think she’s either a) angry about something that happen and can’t decide what to do or b) as someone noted, she started checking out of the relationship weeks ago, and he just didn’t pick up the signs. He’s clearly done trying to get her attention. I think that’s his only (slim) recourse at this point.

His other problem now would be what would he do if she actually called? It sounds great to talk it out. Spend a weekend together talking things out, understand the issues that drove them apart. Try and see if they can work them out, or if they are just destined to chip away at each other. But that is much easier said than done, and it’s what worries me about many relationships that I see. People can break relationships permanently. You can push things to far. So even if then ever came together, it might be too far gone.

Lesson learned for me here is if you are done with someone, for God’s sake tell them. I’m always amazed at how people leave each other hanging. As I noted earlier, after two years of dating and marriage talk, neither partner should have to wonder if it’s over or not.

Thanks for all the great dialog!

45

While I agree with the description of manipulative bitch and the remarks about her being passive agressive I still believe that both of these are symptoms of someone who doesn’t know how to communicate. If a person can’t or won’t clearly communicate what they want or need to their significant other, there are bound to be problems. Most of us don’t learn good communication skills from our parents or teachers. Personally, it took me years of therapy (and three husbands) to learn to ask for what I want and to address issues with my husband without starting a fight. During that time I also had to learn to listen.

There are ways to talk to each other, especially when there’s tension, that will result in both sides listening and being heard but it takes commitment and maturity on both sides to make this happen effectively. Doesn’t look like this situation contains either of those qualities.

46

Despite what I said in my previous post, I agree with velvetjones. There is an outside chance that she has shut down avenues of communication not because of spite, but because of fear. Abject, paralyzing fear. Something happened in her past which hurt her, and she’s now seeing it happening all over again, and she has shut her own emotions off in self-defense. Perhaps a former boyfriend or husband left her under similar conditions; perhaps they had a similar argument. Perhaps she was destroyed by whatever happened last time, and she doesn’t want it hurting her again this time.

If that is the case, she needs your brother to reach out to her with love, not with argument, to try to shatter that cold front. She’s pushing him away, but secretly she needs him to come to her.

If that’s what’s going on, yeah, it’s messed up. She’s not going to get the healing she needs unless she can communicate. But hell, if the alternative to trying is the nuclear DTMFA option, why not give it a try?

47

I think it’s basically reached a point where she isn’t into this relationship unless she has significantly more control than she currently has. This isn’t something people want to admit and probably don’t even consciously know. The silent treatment will either bring about more control or cause him to break it off, both desirable outcomes for her.

Control issues are big in some relationships, especially the ones involving men and women.

48

I don’t know if she’s cheating or not. That is totally irrelevant to my opinion that he should DTMFA, because no matter what is going on, the relationship is not working for him and she is not prepared to do what’s necessary to improve it.

If she’s a manipulative bitch playing mind games …

If she’s met someone else and is too chicken to tell him …

If she’s good-hearted and decent and only wants the best for him …

If she’s conflicted and can’t decide what she wants …

If she’s paralyzed with fear …

No matter what’s going on in her head, she is clearly unable to treat him with respect and decency, and therefore (for his own sanity and emotional safety) he should not be with her right now. If they really do belong together, that will become apparent after they’ve been apart.

49

I’d say that only one of those two people know what is going on, and it isn’t the OP’s brother.

And, why not save dissing the OP for the present. You say it’s a watered down version of a second hand story. That is an extremely rude thing to write, IMHO. It may be ALL of the germane facts. I suggest that the OP isn’t an idiot, and knows what is relevant and can present it fairly.

At any rate, I believe Bear Nenno has it nailed. If he’s wrong, then the woman is a flake that will make his life hell if he marries her. Tip of the iceberg, and all.

He, also, isn’t a poster boy for stability, IMHO. Asking this character if it’s over once, receiving mumble, mumble, forced no, mumble…and still going back for more?

Kick her to the curb.
greatshakes