Don’t let this make you complacent, though. As he ages and his brain develops, he should be proceeding through the stages of moral development. At 9, it’s absolutely right on that he should be a “Just Say No” kind of guy. Authority is what makes morals, and his authorities have told him to say no. As he gets older, he’s likely to base his morals and decisions on other criteria.
Or, to put it more anecdotally, I was a strident Straight Edger* in junior high and high school - no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, no sex - and I was occasionally smoking at 16, pregnant by 17, and doing pot in my 20’s. And I was one of those “good kid” honor students, to top it off.
I’m quite honest with my kids about my (past) drug use (pathetic though it was; maybe a dozen instances of smoking pot between the ages of 19 and 37, tried coke once, when I was 21 and was unimpressed, and had someone “slip” me acid once, and it terrified me). In fact, I don’t hesitate to tell my 7YO that some of the “Truth” propaganda she brings home from school is flat-out wrong. The propaganda teaches her that all drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, are evil (equally evil, no less), and I have to de-program her, because if she believes all this crap, she’ll freak every time she sees me with a beer. It’s alcohol, therefore it’s a drug, therefore, it’ll kill me. :rolleyes:
My 20YO uses any drugs she can, any time she can. She’s a mess. But I don’t think she’s a mess because of the drugs, I think she uses drugs because she’s a mess. I’ve talked to my 16YO about it. She knows my “drug history”, and also that I think it’s ridiculous that pot is illegal but alcohol and cigarettes aren’t. However, she also knows that her father works for the federal gov’t and in order to advance his career any further, he’ll need a higher security clearance. If anyone in this house was caught in possession of drugs, even a small amount of pot, that would probably screw the higher security clearance. So I present it to her in terms of “not worth the risk”.
Frankly, if it wasn’t for the career risk for him, I’d give her the talk about using it responsibly and in moderation, etc. etc. etc.
I also let her drink a bit now and again.
However, I don’t hesitate to express my disdain for cigarettes, which are highly addictive, painfully expensive, and will make you dead.
Well, sure. That’s part of telling them about the drug use. I also told them about the time I got too drunk, had to have a stranger drive me home while I puked in my car, and the joy associated with cleaning up that mess the next day. This impressed upon them the importance of not getting too drunk. I told them not to smoke cigarettes, even though I used to, because it is so very hard to quit.
Each kid takes the information and does with it what s/he will. My kids couldn’t be more different if they’d been raised in separate families. They have different values, different belief systems, everything about them is different.
I looked them straight in the eye, told them I did smoke a few times (true) and that after the initial novelty wore off I realized I acted stupid when I was stoned (also true) and that while my roommates all smoked occasionally, one of them smoked a LOT and turned into a total burnout (also true.)
I also reminded them that whatever they did, they would be breaking the law, and that if they accepted that risk, they’d have to deal with the consequences.
I was honest. In AK, when I was a teen, pot was legal. You could own up to, IIRC, 4 oz for your own personal use. It’s been a few decades since my last toke so I don’t know exactly what the Alaskan law on it is nowadays.
Mainly what I told my son is that using it could and would put him behind the curve regarding his school career and most lucrative career choices. Because of it being illegal, not because I believe it’s the “Evil Weed” as in “Reefer Madness.” Even though I haven’t smoked it in a long time, I have no moral issues against pot. So I certainly didn’t pretend that I disagreed with its use on that issue.
My kids aren’t teenagers yet but my wife and I have discussed this and we have different ideas about it. My wife thinks it’s a bigger deal than I do. She wants to take a hard-ass, zero tolerance approach. I want to tell the truth – yeah, I smoked it. I smoked a lot of it. I’m not sorry. I enjoyed it. It didn’t do me any harm. I think I actully got some benefit out of it and I would do it again if you’ve got some.
Having said that, I would also tell them that the biggest danger about smoking weed is getting caught. Not only is it illegal but it can also cause problems with jobs or screw your reputation in some quarters, so if you’re going to do it, don’t get caught.
Also (and perhaps more importantly), I’m ONLY talking about weed. Weed may be harmless but plenty of other drugs are not. I hope I can impress on them that just because MJ won’t hurt them (and the anti-drug propaganda is completely full of shit about it), that doesn’t mean they can asssume the same thing about coke, meth, heroin or even alcohol. I’m going to spin all that shit as malicious poison which will destroy their minds and bodies and kill them.
Aren’t teenagers supposed to find everything their parents did by definition square and boring and ridiculous? If that is true, admitting that dad did the regular drugs would be enough to get the kid turn to virgin territory where he can make his own mark, say video games?
Dad was a hippie. So was Mom, but she was more of the Peace-Corps-Joining, charity-working, converting-to-Quakerism type. Dad was the “drop out of college for five years, hitch-hike cross country, live in a tent, go to Woodstock, electric acid kool aid” type. I knew this growing up; there was no way not to, and the conclusion that it was somewhat possible he once or twice dabbled in some various mind-altering substances was fairly easy to reach.
When the topic came up, he said: “Be responsible.”
Problem solved. There’s no hypocrisy, and no (obvious) “Do as I say, not as I do.” When it comes to pot, I think “be responsible” is all that needs to be said. Someone old enough to be faced with the issue is going to be at the age where they make their own decision as to whether being responsible means avoiding it all together, smoking but not being an idiot (ie, driving while stoned), or so forth.
Mom pretty much echoed the same thing, but also pointed out that if I ever indulged and got busted, it could very well mean bye-bye college, as drug convictions effect your financial aid eligibility. Both their messages were basically “Make smart choices, which means being prepared to deal with any consequences.”
I was honest. My son was about 11 and they were talking about drugs in school. I told him that I tried pot a few times and hated the way it made me feel stupid and out of touch. I warned him about my friend who was stoned at a party and was offered a hash joint. He didn’t know the guy offering but he decided, what the hell. Inhibitions were low, thinking was muddled and he tried it. The joint was laced with PCP. It caused tachycardia which exacerbated an unknown congenital heart defect. He died at the ripe old age of 22.
I told him that I used to love getting drunk with my friends because I thought that was how you had a good time. I told him I drove drunk but was damned lucky that I never got into an accident. We know a few people who have been hurt or killed as a result of drunk drivers. Now if we are out with friends I will maybe have two drinks. I drink because I enjoy the taste of the wine/cocktail/beer.
I told him I would never try coke because my allergies are so bad I was afraid of recreating the scene from Annie Hall. I couldn’t conceive of putting some powder up my already sensitive nostrils.
I was also honest with him about the fact that I got a girl pregnant when I was 17 and that I have a child out there somewhere that I have never seen ( I signed away my parental consent so he could be adopted).
My son is now 15 and very wise for his years. He sees the stoners and drunks at his school and laughs at them. He knows girls who are pregnant, kids who have herpes and one boy who has HIV. He won’t smoke because he hated the smell that lingered on my clothes, plus he has asthma (I’m smoke free since March).
Illegal drugs can screw up your life. Whether you agree with current drug laws or not, they are the laws. If you are caught with possession, you are busted. If you are carrying enough to be considered a potential dealer, you are screwed. If you drink and drive, you’re screwed. If you are an underage drinker, you are screwed. If a parent lets you drink in their house and something happens, everyone is screwed. If you screw around and are not careful, you are screwed. You can make fun of the “Just say no,” people but, when you think about it, the only 100% sure way to not catch a STD, OD, get a DUI, get someone (or yourself) knocked up or wind up in jail is to not do it.
Yes, but I think there should be a little more detail. In an earlier era, parents told their kids regarding sex: “If you can’t be good, be careful.” Which was also a nice sentiment, but what did “be careful” mean to someone who thought Saran Wrap was just as good as a condom? For example, I would tell a teenager, “Don’t hang out at the dealer’s house. In fact, try not to go at all. Paying a little extra to the middleman may save you a lot of grief.”
That’s a great idea. “Well son, if you do have to go to Mad Dog’s house to get your eight ball, don’t hang around and use it there. Bring it home instead so you don’t get caught in the crossfire during a gang war drive-by. And tell Big Tony at the door that I said high!” :dubious:
Aw, give over. I’m not talking about eight-balls. I’m talking about a situation where your friend says he knows where he can get some weed, but you gotta go to the guy’s house, and he’s cool…So you go, and he offers to let you sample before you leave, and you get so mellow, you end up staying for an hour or two. And this guy is cool, right? I mean, he doesn’t live with his parents, and there are all these way cool people in and out all the time, so it becomes a regular hangout…and then one day, there’s a loud knock on the door. It can happen. It does happen. And it’s not a good habit to get into.