Advice about my in-laws?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My in-laws are generally very nice people. They are very sweet, the kids love them, I love them, they’re great.

In December we moved to a new apartment maybe two miles from their house so that we could be closer to them.

In January my sister-in-law (who still lives at home because she’s like 17) tried to kill herself. She and my husband have problems, and she does not want to see him, ever. So my husband offered to not come by the house anymore. She’s in therapy now, and doing better, but still doesn’t want my husband around and he is respecting that.

My other sister-in-law, her kids are at my in-laws house pretty much everyday. I am not sure why, because they are in public school, she pays for afterschool care for them, and they don’t live anywhere near here, but her kids are there every day. Without her, which means my in-laws are babysitting them. Just today I hear that they are living there, whcih I don’t get because she has a house in Katy with her boyfriend.

My brother-in-law brings his kids over every weekend.

Meanwhile, we invite them over all the time, and they always say no. I am home alone all day, and sometimes I ask if my MIL would like to stop by on her way home. If she says yes (not often), she’ll stop by with some McDonald’s or something and then leave quickly. Maybe once a month (probably less) we ask them to watch our kids for a couple of hours. Asking this is like pulling teeth.

My husband is starting to feel like his parents don’t want him around, and we have no idea why. I don’t think this is related to my SIL, because it’s been going on since before January.

He has tried and tried to talk to his mom about this, but nothing changes. Is there anything else that he can do? He’s starting to think about looking for jobs in another city because he doesn’t see a reason to stay near family that doesn’t want him.

2

Well, it seems that it is up to him to find out what is going on…especially since there was no clear reason why he is being shunned by his family. Are you close enough to risk a confrontation?

The thing that would concern me is the kids. I hope they are not catching on to being outcast from the family. Such feelings are hard to explain to kids (Why doesn’t GP’s want me around/Why does SIL’s kids get to go and I can’t/etc).

There really isn’t a reason to move, really. Would you do it as a threat or to prove a point?

Anyway, good luck. Families are tough.

3

Maybe they are afraid to leave their daughter home alone, and since their daughter can’t stand your husband for whatever reason, they don’t feel comfortable inviting your family over. (It’s tough to tell your son that his wife and children can come over, but he needs to stay away.)

It also sounds like they’ve got a lot on their plates. They’re watching grandkids all the time, so they are probably reluctant to take on more, however infrequently. Your BIL and SIL are using them for free childcare all the time–unfortunately, you guys, being reasonable human beings, are probably easier to say “no” to. Maybe you’ve “moved in” on them by moving too close…it was fine when you were farther away, but now you’re close too and making demands on their time like the rest of them. They might just be taking their space where they can get it, unfortunately. Have you tried backing off for a while?

Why does your SIL never want to see her brother again? That seems like a pretty extreme reaction to me. Even if it’s nothing he did, your husband’s parents may be being cold to him out of loyalty to her. (How do you know that she didn’t have a problem with him before January?)

You don’t have to move. You could just keep living where you are living and just not see them very much. However, you also don’t want your kids to start wondering why their cousins get to see Grandma all the time and they don’t.

What does your MIL say when your husband asks her what’s going on?

4

I doubt that the kids have any idea. They do see their grandparents sometimes, and they have no idea that their cousins are over there so much. And there is no open hostility for them to catch onto.

My SIL has been upset at my husband for a long time but nobody knew about it but her and my other SIL. She’d kept it quiet. And now she’s mad that he never apologized for this stuff that he never knew she was mad about. Add that to this suicide attempt (over a guy dumping her, she says) and she’s just kind of unstable right now. Which is why my husband is trying to respect her wishes. We figure she’ll come out of it.

My in-laws do go out and do things, and they go out without my SIL. They just don’t want to come here. They were so happy about us moving out here, but now we see them even less than before.

As for moving, my husband had been thinking about it for a long time. He’s had job offers in other cities in Texas, but had turned them down because he wanted to be near his family and to offer his support and all. But now he’s questioning that decision.

This sucks because my family is really distant, too. That’s just kind of how my family works, but still, it can be tiresome. And his family usually isn’t, but they won’t tell us why they are acting like this now.

5

She says she can’t come see us/watch our kids/go out with us/whatever because she has to do something for one of her other kids. Which is making my husband feel very out of favour. Like she always picks his brother and sisters over him.

6

If I was your husband, I’d arrange to meet with them. Just him and his parents. If they continually delay the meeting, after two months, I’d call them. I’d lay it all out. Tell them he feels a distance in the relationship. Tell them he’s confused and feels ignored. Tell them he understands that their lives are quite hectic, but that this needs to be said. Then ask them if there’s anything he can do to bridge the distance. Ask them what do they want from him, what can he do to make their lives easier.

They may deny everything, deny there’s any distance. In that case, I would advise moving on (emotionally, not necessarily physically) as they aren’t prepared to meet you halfway or even make an attempt at improving the relationship. Maybe the relationship can be improved at a later date.

They may sound ashamed and admit they’ve been ignoring him. If they tell him how overwhelmed they’ve been and how exhausted emotionally they are with so many caring roles thrust upon them, and if they apologise and ask for forgiveness, a bit more time or try to make amends, I would go with it if it feels sincere.

They may also turn around and attack him, blaming him for the distance, or other things. If that’s the case, I would advise a “Sorry you feel that way” and gently hang up. And move to Texas if that’s what you feel like doing, because there’s no point hanging around solely for family that won’t act like family. Go and live your lives.

Good luck.

7

It sounds like the friction between your husband and his sister is the problem.

The solution is for them to work it out. I hope it the problem is nothing too horrible. Perhaps he should visit her therapist or call her/him and see if some joint sessions may be in order.