Advice for gay high school students?

In My Humble Opinion
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In another thread, in a forum far, far away, I read of someone who was dealing with being gay, and being in high school. Having been there, and had a rough time with it, I was wondering if the collective intelligence and wisdom of the Teeming Millions could offer some advice on how to get through the experience with minimal damage.

Specifically, how to avoid bullying and harassment, how to find others who feel the same way you do, how to deal with the coming-out dilemma, etcetera.

Personally, what I can come up with at the moment is…

Think about coming out to someone you really trust; a good friend. I did when I was 17, and it was like the weight of the world was off me. It made a big difference in my sanity level.

If it’s possible in your area, see about going to a gay youth support group. Check the gay resources in your area, and see if they have such a thing. They can make life a lot easier.

Know that high school ends, and life gets better from there (if you’re doing it right). The kind of bizarre cliquish and discriminatory behavior that seems normal in high school will get you fired, ostracized, or prosecuted in the real world. So, it’s a lot more civilized when you get some distance between you and school.

There are some really tough issues to deal with in this situation, but we’ve got some really brilliant, imaginative posters here who have been through it, and survived to become fascinating, intelligent, multifaceted human beings. It can be done.

So, Dopers, what advice would you give someone in that situation? For those of you who’ve been there, what advice would you give yourself, if you could send a telegram back to you at that age?

For those of you going through that now, post your questions, your comments, your thoughts. You’re not alone.

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This is difficult, because in my situation, i pretty much didnt let people get close enough to me to find out the truth. It was the way I survived highschool, and it worked for me. But, it’s probably not the best way to go about things.

But, it really helps support wise to have a good circle of friends you trust.

I also agree with the support group idea. In my area, there’s the Gay Teen Alliance (which my club at the university wants to try and make connections with). Often if you have a nearby university, or even a JC, there’s resources there you can often go to.

It’s also been my experience that yes, the world is much more civilized (more or less) than High School. I’ve been a bit surprised at how non-issue it all is with most people I meet and or work with (i got a raised eyebrow from a co-worker when i told her that I had gone to a gay bar the night before).

I’m sorry I dont have much to add, but i thought i’d post my two cents.

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I started coming out at 13. I was completely out by the middle of my sophmore year in high school. It wasn’t entirely by choice, but that’s a digression. I’m 19 now, and I managed to survive. The stuff I learned:

  • There will probably be gay or gay-friendly people in the theater, band, or other arts.

  • Coming out is a huge relief when you do it. For your first people, pick friends that you know won’t tell and who you think won’t freak out. This is very important.
    The ones who will condemn you to hell or ditch you forever can come later. If at all possible, tell people you think are friendly or even suspect already.

  • Face to face coming out is hard, but ultimately easier than email, phone, or letters.

  • If you start telling more than a few people, you reach a domino effect. Eventually, if half of your friends know and the other half doesn’t, it creates very awkward situation where people have to lie. This isn’t good. Also, people will start to talk eventually. It’s better to tell people than have them hear from others.

  • You’ll get shit. The best thing to do is be honest about it- don’t deny that you’re gay after you’ve come out, but don’t shove it in people’s faces. **Don’t be a noble martyr. **

  • These ones are hard. Don’t be alone if possible. Check your car for vandalism. Don’t shower in gym if you can avoid it. Know who your allies are, know who the friendly teachers and administrators are.

-Be ready for people to hate you, yell at you in the hallways, slam you into lockers, spit on your bookbag, tell you that you deserve to be raped, try to rape you, tell you that you’re going to hell, call you all kinds of names, beat you up, and try to drive you off of sports teams. Be ready to have an indifferent, hostile, or homophobic reaction from teachers or administrators. Be ready to have the parents of your friends say they can’t be around you anymore.

Ignore this at all costs.

It’s hell and it makes you want to die. You’ll either get through it or it’ll kill you. I suggest option A, because you’ll learn a lot about human nature, yourself, and be much stronger.

  • Find your resources. The internet, local colleges, a gay straight alliance… all of these can be invaluable.

  • Remember that there’s nothing wrong with you.

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I haven’t come out to anyone yet. Thanx for the advice.

This is probably the best advice i can give: Get in shape before you come out. Be ready to run or fight. Luckily for me, i have a weight lifting class, and i already know that people are afraid to fight me. And make sure you have friends that will help you, cuz skaters fight like pussies.

I may be wrong, but this is just what i get from my years in high school. Good luck, if you do come out.

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The best way to avoid bullying and harassment is to either threaten people with lawsuits or bodily harm. People are basically cowards and will back off if they feel you are willing to go further than they can handle. A Sun Tzu style approach:)

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Or you could just look like a badass. :stuck_out_tongue:

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I unfortunately did not come out in high school – in fact, I just actually came out to everyone about a month ago. I will tell you what I did, though –

  1. Pick people who you know will not react badly. The first couple people you come out to will basically set the stage for the rest of them. My first two were my closest friends, and I knew they wouldn’t care. They were told about six months ago.

  2. Tell your family. They can be the best source of support you can get. Of course, I was lucky – neither my mom or my brother were upset. The both actually had a “Well, DUH!” kind of reaction. If you suspect they will react badly, do it with the one or two close friends you’ve already told. Their presence can help defuse any sort of anger.

  3. After that, tell your ‘second-level’ friends that you consider important. If someone asks you outright if you are gay, do not deny it. If you hear people making jokes about gays, stop them. Of course, this is easier for me than it would’ve been in high school; I’m 22 and in the workforce.

  4. Don’t go around rubbing it in people’s faces – a pride sticker on your car, or something small, is OK, but don’t start every sentence with “As a gay man…” It gets old, and serves to emphasize your differences instead of your commonalities.
    I’ve been really lucky. Every single person whom I consider a friend has been supportive and caring. Not one of them is the least bit creeped out, as I feared some might be. In fact, one of the people who took it best was the one who I thought would be the worst. You might be surprised how well everyone takes it.

Mike

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Get in contact with the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network. They are a great bunch of people working nationally and through local chapters to make schools safe for LGBTQ kids.