Scared...please help

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ll make this simple. I came out to a friend (2 to be exact, but I completely trust the other) and now I’m extremely paranoid that she may tell someone. I continuously told her not to tell (you know, just in case) and she got to the point where she said “You’re getting me upset, you shouldn’t of told me if you’re going to be like this.” After that I didn’t bother her not to tell, but she herself sometimes brought up she will not tell. However, she’s right; I shouldn’t of told her. So these feelings could actually stop.

I’m a teenager and have an adaquate social standing. If she ever tells someone…the things that could happen to me are unimaginable. 2 years of high school remaining, I view it as 2 years of apprehension.

I’m just afraid that she’ll get one of those urges to tell a “big” secret than I’m screwed.

My other friend said she’s likely not to tell, but this paranoia is really putting a drain on my emotional health.

What should I do? I’m positive that there’s some words of advice to discontinue this paranoia but I just don’t know what they are.

Any help would be appreciated.

2

Two pieces of advice:

  1. Bump this thread during “normal” SDMB hours. I don’t know where you live, but a good deal of the posters live in the USA and log on during the daytime hours. There are a lot of homosexuals on the boards who would be glad to help you.

  2. One, in particular, is andygirl. I don’t know if she still does this, but I remember her mentioning something a few months ago about an e-mail list she moderates for people just like you who have questions or concerns. Talk to her.

3

** Enderw24**;

  1. Will do. Yeah, it’s 3:37am right now. I’m headed off to sleep soon. I wonder why I can’t sleep :rolleyes:

  2. Alright, I’ll attempt to get in contact with her.

Thanks. :slight_smile:

4

2 years of high school remaining?

You’re young. That’s going to make the next couple years very difficult for you. Your emotional and mental health -will- suffer, sometimes moreso than other times. But remember to persevere. As long as you’re being nice and not hurting anybody, everything else will work itself out in time.

Coming out to friends is difficult. I struggled with the issue of whether or not to come out to my friends for a very long time while in High School–but in the end, they turned out to be good at keeping secrets, after all, and all my worry was for naught.

If you’re waiting until you’re old enough to move out before persuing a more active social life [read: You don’t want your parents to know], then be prepared to wait awhile longer. Contrary to what a lot of people told me–coming out to my parents was -not- a positive step, and only your own judgment can tell you whether it’s a good idea or not.

-Ashley

5

Yup, I’m a youngin’.

I’m actually being pathetic enough that I’m doing altruistic egoism. This really destroyed my emotional health.

I am sincerely hoping she could keep the secret, she knows the horrors if she tells. But these thoughts incessantly come to mind. I’m so hoping these feelings are inconsequential. It’s good to hear that your friend didn’t tell, this is giving me some sort of hope.

Don’t worry, if I tell my parents I’m dead meat. By no means do I ever plan to tell them while I’m living in their house.

Thanks ** Ashtar**, I feel a bit better just by reading your post. :slight_smile:

6

Kunimitsu, I’m not sure if this will help at all, since I’m from a completely different country where we are a bit more liberal about sexual preference than the US is (gay marriage, jay!), but I thought I’d chime in anyway.

My personal experience is that although it is very hard to come out towards your friends, it is better to do it soon than to do it late. I remained in the closet until I was 22/23 or so, but now that I look back, I wish that I had done it much sooner.
All my friends are very accepting, as good friends are supposed to be and looking back, I know that I would have it much easier if I confided in them a few years earlier. They’ve been a lot of help towards accepting myself. Afterall, if they can accept the way I am, why the hell can’t I do it myself? Never did they break the ‘secret’ that I had unless I gave them permission to. Now that it’s not a secret anymore, they still are reluctant to tell other people about my preference, unless I tell them it’s OK, even though I told them that’s not necessary anymore. Truly, these are the best friends people could hope for.

Now, when I think of how smooth everything went, I wished I hadn’t waited that long to come out. Imagine the years I wasted to feel good about myself. Sure, the first few years are hard, but once that is over you feel liberated. No need to lie anymore and people still treat you as a human being. It’s a relief.
Also, only now do I feel comfortable to date. I’m 27, I feel like I wasted a whole lot of my youth to do this. Dating is much easier when you’re young. If I had come out when I was in High School, I would be at this point when I was 22 or 23 or so.

As about your friend: she told you that she won’t tell. If it’s a good friend, you have to trust her on that. Nothing more you can do, I’m afraid. You can’t turn back time and don’t tell her. So you just have to accept it. But look at it this way: if she does tell people, why is that bad? You will have to tell your surroundings sooner or later anyway, and if she spills the beans, that means that it will safe you a lot of stress when you have to tell it yourself. You only have to tell people when they confront you that ‘yeah, it’s true’ or ‘I don’t want to talk about that right now’. Easy as that. Much easier than going with a high blood pressure and a beating heart to you friends and say ‘listen, I have to tell you something…’

Sometimes, the worse the disaster, the better the blessing that comes out of it.

Good luck to you.

7

Do not panic. I know you’re freaking out right now, but however this turns out let me assure you that you will survive this.

Talking to your friends was a good thing to do. Clearly, keeping this secret is eating away at you pretty strongly–you need people you know and trust to talk about it with. Every time you told yourself how important it is that nobody know the Truth About Kunimitsu, you told yourself that there was something wrong with you. And that is a damned lie.

It’s easy to say “Out is Good” now that I’m practically 31 and (thank god) no longer in high school. I’m trying really hard not to just give you a knee-jerk ‘come out and damn the torpedoes’ message. You know your situation better than we do. But that being said: if your friend does blab? Your world will not end.

It will change–maybe tremendously, and maybe not nearly so much as you think. Either way, your life will not be over. At worst, you’ll have to spend two years dealing with lunkheads. As I recall there’s no way to get through high school without dealing with idiots anyway. On the other hand, you would be spared the effort of hiding who you are; you might even get a date out of it. (Speaking as one of the many people who didn’t even begin to develop dating skills until after college, this can only be beneficial.) And when you get to college you’ll be ready to hit the ground running, because you won’t have to unlearn as many closet habits.

In the mean time, you’ve taken a big step. Congratulations. We’re here if you need us.

8

Kun, do you live in a medium to big city? Most urban areas have some sort of support group - PFLAG, collegiate gay students, that sort of thing. Perhaps you will be less freaked if you have someplace to go to where you don’t have to hide who you are.

As for your friend, think hard . . . has she ever been the type to treat a secret as super new gossip to share? Has she ever divulged a secret before? My guess is that she hasn’t - otherwise, you wouldn’t have told her. Take a deep breath and relax. She’ll probably take it to the grave unless you specifically tell her otherwise.

9

Hey, I’m only an e-mail away if you want to talk.
You have alot of support here, keep your chin up love.

10

This wont be a popular answer, but my GUT instinct would be to LIE LIKE HELL!

Tell them you made it all up as a lame prank! That you did it on a dare, something.

My oldest son (who might have been 8 at the time) told me one night that ‘homos hurt kids’. I almost died. We had a two hour talk about how people can be different and still be ok, that gay people are every bit as good as anyone else… all of it.

I have two sons, and my greatest fear isnt that they will be gay, my greatest fear is that they will be gay and run into a homophobe.

If they do turn out to be gay, I will fully accept and support them, but I would still urge discretion, especially in high school. Kids are mean, and bad things happen sometimes.

Please be careful, be safe, and be happy. You are a brave soul with a hard road. Good luck.

11

My words of advice don’t count for much, because even though HS is only 3 years in the past, I have forcefully forgotten as much as I can. I spent my HS years closested, and only ever told one person, who I trusted not to tell, so I can only imagine the stress that you are going through. But setting counts for a lot here. What is the size of the city you are in? I grew up in Idaho, but even there the city of only 50,000 people had a PFLAG group. They are a great resource, that I wish I had taken advantage of.
Also, if she does tell, how liberal is your HS. I went to two different HS, one I think I could have been out at and survived, the other one I would not have been able too. If you were outed at school, would you be able to survive two more years, or would it become truly unbearable,and not in the worst case scenario, but in a realistic scenario, how bad do you think it would actually get? That can make a difference.

 But, she probably won't tell, and if she does, and you cannot be out, their are ways to cover. I wish you the best of luck, and before you know it HS will be over. College will be the most liberating thing you have ever experianced, as long as it isn't Bob Jones University :) that is. Good Luck, I hope that everything goes well for you.

Jeeves

12

Yup. They can be vicious. I used to be (long and painful story). And while they can also be wonderful (viz. this board) . . . if you have the decision to possibly inflict pain upon yourself or not do so . . . IMO, stick with the latter.

Have you been able to gauge the relative thoughts of your friends regarding homosexuality? That might help with any efforts to come out to them.

Jeeves, I’ll add you to the pile of dopers who sound more than twice their age:)

13

Don’t tell my boyfriend that, I am always giving him a hard time for being old :wink:

Seriously though, I read through my post, and what I wanted to say boils down to. HS ends thankfully, college or just a change of scene changes your life completely. And in the meantime, you have places like here and many others on the internet. If you need a sounding board, or just someone to talk to, add me to the people who offers it. My email is in my profile, just one click away.

Jeeves

14

As many of the Dopers pointed out…it depends. Your situation is unique in that you’re in a certain physical environment, a certain political environment, and weathering it with a certain group of friends.

I think that you have to carefully make your own value judgements, and especially find out your friends’ thoughts on homosexuality. An easy opener would be mentioning a “gay friend” or something of the sort.

I know this next part isn’t much help, but you’re not accomplishing anything by worrying about whether or not your friend will tell. You’ve apparently beaten the issue into the ground, and can’t mention it to her anymore without getting griped at. She’ll do whatever she decides to do, and worrying about it isn’t going to change anything.

To follow Jeeves’s example, email me if you want to talk, bitch, or whatever. :slight_smile:

Salaam,
Yd

15

Accept what you can’t change…

You came out to your friend, she knows. She will either respect your secret or she won’t. You don’t control that. Accept it (which is much harder to do than it is for me to type). If she respects your secret, she will have proven herself a good friend. If she doesn’t (understanding how much of a secret you need this to be), you now know how much of a friend she is and will be able to move on.

Control what you can control…

If she does tell, what will you do? You can lie. You can look at people and say “you know, I don’t think speculation about my sex life is appropriate” i.e. the “no comment” answer. You can come out to the whole school and take what comes (which may be very bad, but may not be so bad at all). You can beg your mother to let you move in with you aunt who lives 200 miles away or become an exchange student.

Two years is forever when you are in high school. But it passes in the blink of an eye later in life…("This, too, will pass…this, too, will pass — repeat it like a mantra). Once high school is over, you will be free to associate with whom you wish (except, perhaps, at work), and you’ll be able to fully explore a wide world that is comfortable for you.
Best wishes…

16

kunimitsu
i’m afraid i have no advice for you, but try to remember thst all us straight people are not coplete jerks. i will pray for you to get through this difficult time in your life. and believe me, high school is difficult no matter what your cicumstanses.
and if any so-called christians get on you, remember, christ said “love one another”-but he didn’t give out specifics. the older i get the more i realize love is love, no matter what the details. it will get better. God loves all his children.
my lord, i am starting to sound like my grandma! i’m usually not given to quoting the bible
anyway, i am straight, but if you ever need some one to talk to or vent, look me up, i won’t try to convert you or change you lifestyle, just be a sympathetic ear.

i wish you peace and joy

17

Wow, thanks a lot guys. Lying to her for a last resort is out the window, I gave her a couple of e-mails. I think she has them saved or maybe not, but I’m going with the latter. But just for the record…would there be a way to get around the e-mail situation with lying? – And to answer phouka’s and Jeeves’ question…no, I don’t believe there is some kind of organization here. That would be awkward admittedly, but I do think it would be resourceful. Too bad for me, I suppose.

She did tell me she knows the tribulations if she does tell, I’m hoping her stance on that doesn’t fall. And like YthDecay mentioned earlier, I’m afraid of those debates, late night conversations, etc.

Thank God I have a good friend by my side though (the one that also knows), she said if anything happens she’ll fight with me through it. And her social standing is through the roof. Everyone admires her so she’s good back up and gives me excellent reassurance (not to mention perspective) like all of you are supplying me with.

Oh and ** Jeeves** again, my school is somewhat liberal. The girls (most I assume, about 75%-80%) wouldn’t have much problems with it. The guys on the other hand, well, rarely is there one open-minded. So that’ll be difficult, if the secret were to be leaked. All guys are still in their “front” and being cool phase.

Dangerousa I thought of the “escape” methods. But then my parents would have to eventually find out and with that, I wouldn’t even have a house to live in. My uncles, aunts and what have you all live in another country. I’m not a native North-American; that’s why my other family is far apart from here.

Oh sdarr2002, I know. Afterall, I do love girls. Straight or not. :wink:

** Aghris** with any luck, my situation turns out like yours. I do like to hear negativity for supplementary angles, but I’d MUCH prefer (and hope) that positivity will come out of this. She should be priviledge I’m telling her this.

Hey, that brings a thought. ** ALL OF YOU** I think I just comprised the PERFECT idea. My friend (the other one) has a lot of power, she’s very sincere and her words have a huge impact on people. I thought of this…how about if my friends gives my other friend a speech? Like, “He thinks really highly of you. You should be so privileged that he told you, that’s how much of a friend he sees you as.” – Any good? While this is a deceptive route I think that could possibly reduce the large amount of anxiety I’m undergoing.

I wanna thank all of you guys again, you all are really nice about this. Thanks for the well wishes. :slight_smile:

18

I don’t mean to bring you down, but was it really a good idea to tell a 16 year old girl anything that personal? The only thing I can figure is that you WANT people to know, but that you’re too ashamed/afraid/whatever to do so yourself. My best advice would be to consider the worst that could happen and devise a plan to deal with it.

I’d like to enlighten you with a little bit of wisdom I heard once, “Three people can not keep a secret. Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.”

19

I’ve been in your situation, and it is hellish. On the one hand, it’s an incredible relief to have some friends you can talk to about what you’re going through. On the other hand, what if everybody finds out…

You’ve got to stop worrying about the friend you told. No matter what you say, or have your other friend say to her, she knows. The more pressure you put on her now, the more likely you are to piss her off. Back off, tell her you trust her, and leave things be. This is now her decision.

You may want to contact your school psychologist. Not that I think that there’s anything wrong with you, it’s just that you’re in an incredibly hard situation, and if things do fall out badly, you’re going to need to know what resources are available to you. The school psychologist may be a good place to find out where you stand. Also, if you’re that concerned about your parents kicking you out, you should let the psychologist know that; they may have some suggestions.

There are a lot of resources out there, but you need to focus, concentrate, get past your fear, and find them. It’s tough to do, I know. There have been a lot of people in this thread who’ve offered their help; I’d be honored if you’d add me to the list of people who’ll do what they can to help you through this. Take us up on it. Email us.

20

Kunimitsu, please feel free to email me to talk about this. I work for an email list that provides a safe space for gay teens, and it’s a great place to talk to other teens who are going through the exact same thing. My work email is kristen@youth-guard.org.

When I was in 8th grade I told one girl that I kind of sort of thought I might be gay. Within a week it was all over the school and almost nobody was talking me. It was hell. I became bulimic and suicidal. One particular night I was ready to kill myself and I would swear that the only thing stopping me was the fact that it was such a pretty night- the moon was shining through the window and it was reflecting off of the knife blade. For whatever reason, that stopped me.

So I started lying and saying that I wasn’t gay. When high school started, I even got myself a boyfriend. We lasted six months wherein all we did was kiss a bit, and even that was horrible.

I broke up with him and started coming out on my own terms. By the end of sophmore year, most of my friends knew. Yes, I lost quite a few, but the ones I lost weren’t worth having anyway.

The funny thing about it was that once I started telling one or two, I couldn’t get around telling all of them. The ones who knew were having to lie for me and the ones who didn’t were wondering what the hell was going on.

I got gaybashed and roughed up a bit in high school, but that was only when I was halfway out of the closet. When I was completely out people essentailly left me alone. I was also very involved in theater, which served as a decent buffer zone.

People will tell, be it by accident or on purpose. It’s horrible and scary, but it’s… well, the way it is. And you have to choose if you want to lie or be honest. They both have their merits, depending on your reasons, but you have to know that you’re going to have to be honest eventually.

You can’t let the “what ifs” drive you nuts. Just breathe, talk to your friends, see what resources you have available, and pat yourself on the back for completing one step of what’s going to be a lifelong saga.

Best,
Andy