Just so you know, this will be long, but I will try to utilize my best writing skills to make it navigable and entertaining. I contemplated sending this to advice columns to get their input, but that would only be one person’s input. And, I wanted to torture all of you instead. 
But, seriously. Before you start reading this, be aware that everything is okay, and will continue to be okay. I am just looking for input, home-spun anecdotes, suggestions, or even advice.
Why? Because I am not sure how I feel right now.
I never know which words should not be capitalized in a title, so here goes:
Background Details That Are Solid And Unwavering:
I am hinging on middle-age.
I am married with no children.
My wife is loving and supportive.
I work hard, and take advantage of opportunities as they arise.
I always try to learn new things and put them to good use by bettering the environment around me.
I am introverted and I like to think about solutions to problems, and I present my opinions when asked.
Living in a city neighborhood in northeast Ohio.
I am frugal, and spend very little money on myself. I have everything I need, and most everything that I could possibly want.
My personality type is INTJ.
I am an omega male.
My main priority at work is to help people by finding creative solutions to problems, and then enacting them with confidence. I am very good at it, and I get extreme internal personal reward from it. I have a solid reputation at work as being a person to go to when a complicated situation arises.
Distant Past:
I suffer from long-term depression – since before puberty. It is under control, as I have developed many internal and external tools to keep it at bay, as well as combat it if it finds a way to sneak in. My defenses are strong. I have seen many doctors at different levels, over many years, with different success rates. In all, the doctors were beneficial. The pharmaceuticals were not. I have not seen a doctor or taken a pharmaceutical in years, but I don’t feel the need to at this time.
Was previously married and divorced at an early age. There are no lingering legal, financial, or emotional strings.
No tragic past. I come from a strong and loving nuclear family. My parents are both still married, and both my siblings are married, with children. I am a middle child. My memories of childhood are happy ones.
I was raised Catholic. I deem myself now to be a “recovering Catholic”, as I have recently found my way back – but in a casual way. This was something my wife and I came to a conclusion together (as she has a similar past as mine) and we decided to start partaking again – but again, in a casual manner. I’m spiritual, but not religious.
I don’t know if there is an afterlife, but even if there is, I don’t actively prepare for it. I live my life daily, and try to do good deeds when they occur to me, and when I have the resources to do so. I am not actively working to produce a long-term legacy or memory after my death, and I have to desire to do so. Basically, I am just living my life as it is, and I am completely content. I put my efforts into the here and now.
Formerly being in the military has all sorts of unintended and unadvertised, but mostly beneficial, side effects. One of them is that being in that environment gave me confidence, and forced me to take on, as only I can describe it, as a happy nihilistic attitude. Kind of like Buddhism – if I even knew enough about Buddhism to make that claim – but more like a “Joie de Vivre”.
I have worked for the same company for 15 years. But…
The Last Four Years, Put As Succinctly As Possible:
The wife and I make average pay. We both work for the same company, and both have been there for years. We met and started dating at work. Everyone approves, as we have the reputation of being a “power couple”. Through dedication and hard work, we have collected the annual pay raises over the years.
I took on some special projects at work, and did very well at them. This led to a promotion. After a couple close calls, I had another promotion.
In the meantime, the wife and I bought a house, and saved up several thousands of dollars, $50 a week over several years. I also inherited a couple thousand dollars from when my last grandparent passed away. We decided to take this money and do some improvements on the house.
The improvements did not go well. We sought legal counsel against the contractor – but the attorney who we were paying, they themselves gave an unoptimistic picture of how it would end. We ended up hiring a construction company, which doubled the budget. We emptied our savings account, lived on credit cards for a month, and took out a loan.
Since then, all of that has been paid off, although we are still not happy with the final result, and I cringe when I think of the money that we no longer have because of the issue. The final result is stable, but we are currently saving up again to finish the job.
Having just typed the previous paragraph, I know that, even though I get angry when I look at the improvements we did to the house, they are still improvements. Others have complimented us about these improvements. I calm myself down by realizing that we did not squander the money on frivolous things or addictions, and what we went through is somewhat common. We had extra money, and put it to good use. My bad feelings are the anger and frustrations that I have imbued into the very building materials, as all of this transpired. I have to constantly reassure myself that the improvements are good, and worth it, even if the whole process was ugly.
After two years at my promoted position, I got bored and frustrated. For my personality type, this is not good. The mistake that I made was that I chose to leave the company that I was with for 15 years, to pursue something else.
That something else was a very bad mistake. It was very stressful. I was very unhappy. My depression came back like an unstoppable tsunami. It was like the German Blitzkrieg over my French Maginot Line of defenses.
It got so bad that I considered hurting myself. I saw no way out and was suffering from panic attacks. I researched how much my life insurance policy was worth in certain circumstances. I lost 30 pounds in four months from stress. I even called one of those EAP hotlines – which, by the way, is a very good resource. They gave me the strength to carry on just a little bit longer.
My wife took care of me during this mistake. She held my hand, and suffered along with me. We cried together. My wife saved my life. This I am absolutely sure of.
My salvation was that I saw that my old company was hiring people for one of the positions that I previously held with them. I contacted the people that I knew, to let them know my intent of applying for the position. I was highly encouraged to do so, and I was told that I would be very much welcomed back.
But, I took it seriously. We have a tough HR Department. I did not take it for granted that I would automatically be hired back to my old company. I applied, just like anyone else, and went in for the rounds of interviews. I was offered the position within a couple days.
There are two issues here:
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I was hired back as if I was a new hire, at entry level pay. This erased 15 years’ worth of pay increases, and about $20,000.00 from what I was previously making.
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During the hiring process, I twice tried to negotiate my pay. I have heard all the advice from others about how to negotiate for a higher pay. I asked for a reasonable and specific number, not at all near to what I was previously making. I gave solid background and historical reasons, and mentioned my previous positions through the company, and all that I had done for the company in the past. One negotiation was over the phone. The other was in writing. I was turned down both times with ultimatums.
I was supposed to be considered for a pay raise this month, but I can see from my most recent pay stub, that that did not happen. I plan on talking to the director of my department, someone that I have a relationship and friendship with, about this tomorrow. I am not at all nervous – which is unusual for me – about this discussion.
My main issue is not really the money. I love what I do now. I just feel taken advantage of. But, on the other side, like I said, the company that I work for has a very strong HR Department. I can totally see their side. This position that I applied for and accepted has a set and firm rate.
Today, After The Storm:
Financially, we are doing fine. This is because during this same time, my wife has had a couple pay increases that helped negate a portion of what I lost from my paycheck. We also are living more frugally.
We have a low mortgage, two car payments, and the normal monthly bills. Our credit card debt is low, and no other debt besides that. We are still able to squeak some weekly money into the savings account, but that seems to be taken up by life events as soon as we have a small sum.
Our short-term checking account is healthy, and our long-term retirement accounts are healthy. It is our mid-term savings account that is not at all healthy.
I am happy that we are managing. Next year looks to be a good year, so I am looking towards that. I am also happy that if an emergency would strike, we probably could handle most of it with liquid funds. If not, we have other pools that we could call upon.
The total amount more that we would need to finish the improvements on the house would be about $10,000.00. That does not sound like a lot now that I type it out, but I cannot find any room in the budget for these funds – at least in the short-term.
My Questions, Along With Anything Else Anyone Wants To Comment About:
Anyone else make as serious a career mistake as I have?
Anyone else successfully dealing with depression?
How successful have others been with negotiating their pay?
Anyone else feel that other people grossly exaggerate their successes in life when talking about them?
How worried should I be about a skylight that sometimes leaks during very bad storms?
Anyone else have an unfounded and irrational fear that their house is going to collapse?
Is it okay that I might be more optimistic than I feel I should be?