My husband’s been having an affair.
Without going into any detail at all, I’ve found myself in this horrible situation and need to know if it’s okay or really stupid to confront him about what I know over the phone (he’s out town for two more days) or waiting until we are face to face. I will be talking to him for sure but I don’t know if I can have a general conversation with him with this huge horrible thing between us. 
I have thought about telling him that I know and then saying that we will talk about it when he gets home but he is very good at manipulating things and I’m pretty emotional at this point. So I guess I just need some outside ideas on how to go about this. Would you confront something this big over the phone?
I’d put his shit out on the curb for the trash and let him find out that way.
Wow. I’m sorry about your situation.
I don’t think this is a situation where any rules of etiquette apply. You should confront him in whatever way is most comfortable for you. I don’t see why you should feel you need to take his feelings into account in deciding how to confront him. I’ve had major conversations (e.g., break-ups) over the phone - sometimes it’s necessary. And some conversations are easier over the phone.
Hard to know what’s best to do, but I lean towards waiting until you get to talk face to face.
I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Not to mention calling a lawyer.
Write everything out beforehand, like you’re writing him an email. Cover all your feelings and justifications and plans for the future on paper, so that even if you crumble in the confrontation, you’ll have the paper to hold on to.
Do you have a sibling or friend who can back you up? Not at the scene, but nearby, or available if you need a place to stay?
Personally, not a chance would I try this over the phone. For several reasons:
A. it’s too easy for a connection to be lost. Then you’re left hanging; “Did he hang up on me?” questions run through the brain.
B. I believe in the concepts of “innocent until proven guilty” and “facing my accusers”. While you may think you KNOW he’s having an affair (And you may, I’m not discounting the evidence), he should have the right to respond in person.
C. If he did have an affair, I think that he should be adult enough to face the consequences. Attacking him over the phone may mean he decides either that it’s over with you, or that he’s got time to make up a good line before he gets home.
And, I’ll be honest, if my wife had an affair behind my back, she should see firsthand what that knowledge has done to me, and have to live with the consequences of her actions.
the keek, I hope this is just a horrible misunderstanding that can be laughed at in a few months. But if not, you know that the gang here are always willing to listen.
Eli
Oh, man, that sucks! If it were me in your position, I’d have to confront him on the phone, because loose ends just make me nuts! BTW, I second contacting a lawyer. I mean, you guys may work things out, but it doesn’t hurt to check these things out, y’know?
I wouldn’t have this conversation over the phone. Unless, of course, I had a video/teleport phone that allowed me to throw rocks at his head while screaming obscenities. Barring that, I’d keep quiet while gathering concrete evidence and making plans to gut him financially. Then I’d dump all his shit out on the lawn, then throw rocks at his head and scream obscenities while he tries to gather it up. Then again, I’ve been called a colossal bitch on more than one occasion, so you might not want to listen to my advice.
From a personal experience…
Do it face to face.
Have proof of his unfaithfulness. Have most of his belongings packed if you plan on tossing him out, if not have your things packed and ready to go. If you are keeping the place change the locks, if not, let him go through the expense.
Meet him at the airport with all smiles and hugs. Get him home, present him with the evidence and let him know you think he is a jerk.
With mine, I waited until he came home late one night, presented him with what I found, told him I was keeping the house and he could have anything inside the walls he wanted to keep. He moved out, I kept the house and we both went our ways and I haven’t looked back. He however called me a few years after the divorce saying what a mistake he had made and wanted to know if I wanted to come to Santa Fe; that he had just bought a house and was needing a roommate. :mad: Yeah like I would ever trust dimwit again.
If you can work things out, good luck. Personally, I would have a hard time looking someone in the face that had lied and cheated on me. If you have kids it is a lot harder.
I confronted mine on the phone, because I simply wasn’t capable of acting as if all was normal until I had a chance to talk to him face to face (which, incidentally, was about 30 minutes later.)
Of course, he denied it, and continued to do so for about a month, but eventually he came clean.
Now, would I recommend it? I can’t honestly say; I think the explosive conversation on the phone actually paved the way for a slightly more civil confrontation face to face (had I initially confronted him in person, I think it would have ended up being a very big scene.)
And now that I think about it, when we were dating and living together, I found out (by overhearing a conversation he was having on the phone when he thought I was asleep) that he was seeing someone else. I let him leave the house and waited for him to come home again before confronting him, and that waiting very nearly drove me insane. Again, I speak only for myself; I’m not the kind of person who can keep that kind of thing inside of me.
I would have this conversation face-to-face. For one thing, while you wait for him to return, you’ll have a chance to organize your thoughts (as much as you can anyway - if it were me I’d be furious enough it’d be difficult to think period) and decide on the practicalities of what you’re going to do next (are you going to try to work it out, or are you going to separate/divorce), and for another, you’ll be a little calmer when you confront him, theoretically anyway.
I’m so sorry about your situation. I had this happen to me once, though with a boyfriend, and it was the biggest betrayal of trust I could ever imagine. My only regret about how I handled it was that I should have kicked his ass to the curb once we spoke rather than let him sucker me into sticking around. Your feelings may be different. Regardless, good luck, and let us know what happens.
Having been in this situation before, I’d say don’t do this on the phone. If you’re worried about acting normal when you talk to him over these next two days…don’t talk to him. Let voicemail pick up. Let him wonder where you are for a change. If you want him to leave, have his bags packed and outside the door, and change the locks. Use these two days to get all the bank account numbers together, and talk to a lawyer. Don’t give him time to prepare an excuse, or hide money, or hurt you. Have someone there in the house with you when you confront him, so that he can’t try to manipulate you or harm you. Get your evidence together, and shut down your heart. There’s gonna be plenty of time to cry later. Now’s the time to get angry.
Thanks everyone for all of the excellent advice and kind words. It helps me feel better just to get some input and seeing that others go through the same thing and are still sane helps me to know that I’ll be all right, eventually. Thanks, CrazyCatLady your reply made me laugh even if it wasn’t intended. I don’t see much laughter in my life in the immediate future so every little bit helps.
I am leaning toward waiting for the face to face. Although it scares the shit outta me. As Eliphalet said he needs to see what his choices have wrought. I just want to be rational and clear headed when this happens and tonight I am not.
Not sure if this helps, but here’s another vote for face-to-face.
He is a legal resident of the house. It would be illegal for you to put his stuff outside and not let him into his own residence. Doing that would be a very, very bad idea as much as it may be deserved. Being such a bitch that he decides to leave of his own volition is a viable option though.
I am sorry for your pain. You must be going through hell right now but you’ll get through it.
Haj
I think getting a lawyer is the best advice you’ve gotten in this thread. Whether you do it over the phone or face-to-face, the important thing is to maintain control of the converstaion and not let him manipulate you. Letting him know that you already have the lawyer will help.
Do NOT under any circumstances allow him to put you on the defensive or make you the villain. This is his fuck up and these are his consequences.
Personally, I would suggest calling him, telling him very tersely that you know about the affair, that you have a lawyer and that it’s over, and say it that quickly. Three sentences. Then hang up and pull the cord so he can’t call you back. Let him flop around like a fish with that news and the inability to call you back and work you emotionally.
In a face to face, there’s a good chance you’ll crumble. Relationship dynamics are just like that. He’ll apologize and sound sincere and you’ll forgive him. Then he’ll cheat again. Cheaters always do.
((((((((the keek))))))))))) big hugs for you, sweetie. This is going to be a tought time, but you can do this.
I highly recommend having someone there with you. Backup, prevention of manipulation - show your husband you can not and will not be pushed around.
I’ve been cheated on, with two different guys, and it is devastating and disgusting. But you will pull through, if you just hang in there. You learn a lot about yourself in a devastating time, though, and I wish you learn some wonderful new things about yourself - that you are strong, that you can love yourself, and that you will survive anything life throws at you. You will, honey, I know you can. You already show more strength than I ever did when it happened to me the first time. I didn’t confront my man - I let it slide. DON’T do that. That led to more destruction and tears and hurt than he was ever worth.
My heart goes out to you, and my thoughts are with you. You can do this. If you have evidence, get him out of there, if you are just suspicious, talk to him about it. Just be sure to take out the trash before it starts to stink.
The only reason I would suggest face-to-face is because he couldn’t hang up on you that way.
Throwing his shit out on the drive isn’t illegal. If he really is fooling around, and it sounds like you have proof, he’s not going to call the cops to get back in. Sure, it’s embarrassing (to him…wouldn’t be for me, particularly) and might get the message across without much talk at all. What’s he gonna do if it is illegal? Sue you? Divorce you? Heh…yeah, right.
On preview, I see Diogenes has excellent advice and I’m going to second it. The quick, no-nonsense phone call and lawyer in the wings would be best for your situation.
However, being the same colossal bitch (on occasion) that CCL admits to being, you may want to peer a little closer at her advice, as well. 
My heart goes out to you, hon…been here, done this, divorced the fucker.
Wow, such good advice.
I’ve never been in this situation myself, but my gut feeling was initially to wait until you can confront him face-to-face. If you do it over the phone, that gives him advance warning and time to prepare a cock-and-bull story before he comes home, or time to pull some other shenanigans.
But Dio’s post is so excellent as well, that I can definitely see the wisdom in doing it that way. The secret would be to already have all your ducks in a row—lawyer called, bank accounts taken care of, etc. etc. before you call him and let him know. At that point it’s too late for him to do much other than to stew in his own juice.
hugs for the keek
I’m with everyone else. Confront him face to face, and then take out the trash–him and all his junk.