He cannot be legally locked out of his own home. Period. Practically speaking he may well decide to leave but he could call the cops and, unless there has been domestic violence or something or they think it could happen, you’re going to have to allow him back in.
Definitely get a good lawyer though. You really need to have the lawyer tell you what is illegal and what isn’t. Not us.
Haj
I’m sorry you are going through this the keek 
I haven’t been in this situation but I think your decision to confront your husband face to face is a good one. I also think it is ok for you to keep your options open at this point. You may or may not know what you want to do and that is ok. It needs to be what is best for you. Good luck.
Thanks again everyone. I made it through the nightly phone call, keeping my cool and trying to be myself. I don’t think he suspected anything was wrong. Now I have to make it till Thursday night. I am halfway tempted to not say anything for a week or so to get everything in place but it hurts too much and I want to get it over with.
I wasn’t planning on throwing him and his stuff out although it sounds mighty appealing at the moment. Too many nosey neighbors in a small town, and I don’t want to put our kid through anymore trauma than is necessary. I am hoping that once the blowup is over, we can work out whatever needs to be done without too much nastiness.
I really appreciate all the advice and support give here, you guys are great! Thanks
Please. Women have been doing this since doors were invented, and I’ve yet to hear of a cop forcing a woman to let the guy back in. Usually they advise the man to go to a motel until things cool down. I could be wrong, and California does some strange things sometimes, but after the confrontation she is planning, I really don’t think any cop is going to force her to let him in, at least not in the short term.
Perhaps I’m overreacting to your posts, hajario because you seem to be taking his side, and as the former wife of a cheater that tends to rub me the wrong way. And focusing on “he has legal rights” seems a bit like what a manipulative husband would do, and I think that might undermine her resolve a little…we’re supposed to be helping her. So forgive my reaction to your post.
FWIW (which is little) I don’t get the impression that haj was defending the husband, only speaking practically, which is sometimes a good thing when it’s such an emotional subject. Knowing fully well what it’s like to have a cheating husband, I can (in hindsight) say that regardless of what a cad a man may or may not be, his legal rights are immutable, as much as it might suck sometimes.
** Keek **, I admire your strength and resolve; regardless of whatever the outcome may end up being, I think you’ve got some definite emotional fortitude on your side 
How on Earth could you possibly get that I’m taking his side? I am talking about what is practical here. What he ethically or morally deserves is different than what he is entitled to legally. I don’t make the laws so don’t get mad at me.
The cops can strongly suggest that one of the parties leave but it’s legally his house. Adultery is not against the law in the U.S.
For goodness sake, I am helping her. People have given her what I believe to be bad advice which, if followed, could make the situation worse.
Haj
Use your time before he comes home to make photo copies of everything. That will make your time with the lawyer most effective.
Copy every piece of paper that has to do with money before he leaves. Anything to do with assets, liabilities and income.
Maybe someone who knows the details of exactly what to copy can come by and help. I messed up and only copied a few statements. Since I left my husband, he has successfully made himself quite a bit poorer on paper.
I have no kids, and in the end decided the physical and mental stress of a proper divorce wasn’t worth it to me.
I think you need to sort out the long term implications are, and what direction the conversation is likely to take. It’s not always a black hat/white hat morality play. People don’t cheat in a vacuum, and they cheat for a variety of reasons. Relationships often go sour over time and people grow apart.
The way these things often go is that after the inital accusation is made, the accused then comes back with a laundry list of the sexual, mental, physical and personality inadequacies of the accusing spouse they throw back in their face, or they beg for forgiveness if they want to save the relationship.
I know absolutely nothing about your relationship, but if you’re going to go toe to toe you’d best have some game plans worked out if he wants out of the relationship, or you want out of the relationship.
I have a feeling that I know the direction of the conversation, I’m pretty sure it will be the list thing and I really want to know if he thinks our marriage is worth saving. Right now I have strong doubts that it can be.
I am planning to start the coversation by asking him if he had an affair with ____ because he wanted to end our marriage. I expect a denial of the affair, and then I will offer proof and then… the list of you didn’t, you don’t, you can’t, and then he will probably tell me he doesn’t love me like he used to and that he loves her. Og this sucks! My game plan is to find a starting point. I need to know where I stand in all this so I can figure out what to do.
You’re giving him too much power with this kind of thinking. It doesn’t matter whether he thinks the marriage is worth saving or where you stand with him. Don’t make this his decision, make your own. Don’t let him put you on trial, for cripe’s sake and don’t put yourself on trial either.
This is not a referendum on you but on him.
Being cheated on is humiliating. If someone cheated on me that would be the end of the relationship, unless I thought or knew that I was such a shitty SO that I was pretty much pushing them away with my behavior or lack of willingness to take care of myself, or make time for the relationship. If, for example, an obese or depressed women or man is getting cheated on by a non-obese, non-depressed partner, it’s a shame, and it’s not morally right , but it’s hardly a surprise.
They say that women will forgive purely sexual affairs more quickly than they will forgive emotionally intimate affairs, even if there is no sex (or even physical contact in some cases) in the intimate affairs. Men are the opposite and will more readily forgive emotional intimacies as long as you didn’t fuck him. Nature’s funny that way.
I’d call him right now.
But do whatever is most comfortable with you. That’s the important part, but don’t confuse waiting for him with be the most comfortable thing because you don’t want to broach the subject.
I’ve broken up over the phone before, and I think it was probably better than having to do it in person. I don’t honestly see what’s wrong with the phone confrontation. It seems okay to me. If he hangs up on you then you know you’ll confront him when he gets back.
As far as I can tell he’s having an affair for a couple of reasons:
He wants to split up and uses it as a way out (he won’t deny then)
He simply slipped up or in other words, still loves you and wants to continue (not good, but maybe he would want to stay in it.)
He is an asshole who thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. (self-explanatory)
Either way, you have to realize that iif you confront him on the phone. his response will be the same. At least you can give him some time to think if he plans on denying.
the keek, I do hope you are taking the excellent advice of many above posters and talking to a lawer. Even if you don’t know for sure if you want to divorce the bum, you will be in a much better position overall with competent legal advice.
Look at your money situation before you confront him. Don’t drain the accounts so that any automatic payments will fail, thus screwing yourself, but stow away as much of the money as you practically can where he can’t find it. If you decide to stay with him, you can put it back, but you should always have a reserve he can’t touch. I am not suggesting you hide assets from him for divorce purposes, but rather have money to survive a while should he decide to leave and take all the money he can get at. At least that is the advice my mother and her mother give me, both having survived both affairs and divorces.
If you confront him and he does not want to stay, he may drain the joint accounts immediately.
And etiquette always applies. Civility is as important now as it ever was.
I am so sorry for your pain, I have been in your shoes, I did mine on the phone but then that’s me. In the mean time try this place for support from people who are where you are and those who have made it through.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp
Mine was 6 almost 7 years ago and my marriage is still intact and stronger than ever. Not all marriages can survive this but some can. I wish you the best in whatever you decide you want.
If you need to talk email me at dkohb@yahoo.com put sdmb in the subject line so I know it’s not spam. I’m a little crazy right now but will do anything I can if you want.
I kinda feel that I should defend myself, I know that I am 20 lbs overweight I have been for along time. It’s a constant battle that I’ve fought since childhood and it would be really easy to just give up and turn into a fatty.
My mother was bi-polar. I am bless with my fathers generally happy disposition. But perhaps this is a curse because even now as miserable as I am, I think things will turn out alright.
Yes, there has been a growing distance between us for awhile now mostly since this summer when I believe the affair started. We’ve been married 15 years and he is a recovering alcoholic (2 1/2 years) which is a whole other issue and there is a lot of emotional garbage associate with that.
He has a panic disorder and is not on meds. He is also inclined to be a hypochondriac and I’m inclined to let this woman have him.
I haven’t yet spoken to a lawyer. We live paycheck to paycheck. He pays the car payments and the health insurance and retirement comes out of his paycheck. He also has extra taxes held out of his check to cover what I make being self employed in our home. I pay everything else with my income and we have separate bank accounts, but actually now that I stopped to think about it, what I consider my account is a joint account but I’m not on his account. I am worried about what will happen with the things that come out of his check but I will seek professional advice soon. He doesn’t have money or assets to hide and I don’t either. Well I spilled way more than I intended to here so I’ll shut up now.
Thanks Ayesha and everyone you can’t know how much comfort your sympathy brings me.
I just wanted to pop in and add that 20 lbs is not a big deal and is not relevant to what he has done. No, it’s not. He may have tried to tell you so, you may have tried to tell yourself so, but it ain’t so.
The whole weight issue and “fatty” issue is not one I’ll get into here (I’m a big girl so I’ve survived my own self-esteem issues regarding weight), but come on. Twenty pounds extra (and in many peoples’ opinions, a lot more than that) is not that drastic and certainly not that unattractive. Hell—not unattractive at all, for many people. 20 pounds? Give me a freakin’ break.
My disclaimer is that I’ve never faced this situation with a spouse or even been married, for that matter.
I REALLY hate confrontation, and frankly I would pay money to avoid it. If I had the resources, I would write a letter, move out, and refer my spouse to my lawyer.
Please stop this right now. I was 30 pounds LIGHTER than my spouses mistress. It has nothing to do with you…it’s all about him.
When my ex and I were together, he use to tell me he had seen prettier women than myself. Two years later he was groveling to come back; when I reminded him of his comment his reply: I was only saying that to keep you from leaving me. :rolleyes:
Do not fault yourself for his wandering.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I have not been in this situation but I was married to someone for over 17 years who sounds something like your husband and your responses sound like mine. You get into the mode of reaction instead of action. What will he think, what will he do. Just reading that you want to know if HE thinks this is worth saving… What do you think? Do you want to continue this marriage? It’s ok for you to make that decision. You have a right to make that decision. You have a right to be angry. He betrayed you and your marriage. He was wrong. And unless there is some seriously mitigating circumstance (and twenty pounds doesn’t even come close), then do not let him manipulate you into thinking it’s your fault. And you know what? You may be very surprised at his reaction to facing that he will lose you because of his behavior. But either way, you decide what you want to do. It’s not all about him, no matter how much he’d like to have it that way. But that only happens when you get angry enough to take control and don’t let things be that way. I’ve been separated for over a year and I still have to tell myself that almost every time I talk to him. I still easily fall back into the pattern of letting him make all the decisions. (And in every other aspect of my life I tend to take the lead and be the strong one.) It’s tough to change after so many years, but you CAN do it. Please feel free to email me if you need to vent or need support.