I’m hoping y’all will share anecdotes of people getting married young and/or after a brief courtship. I’m hoping to find stories of successful relationships but total disasters are welcome too.
See, my nephew has decided he’s going to get married and, even though it’s none of my business, I’m having a hard time thinking this is the right thing for him to do.
He just turned 20, and he decided to propose to his girlfriend the following day. He’s known her since Thanksgiving, and they’ve only been dating since the first week of February. So, a six-week (if that) courtship before he proposed. He’s never had a girlfriend of any kind before he met her.
My nephew has always been the mature type, even as a teenager he would rather help his dad build a deck or work on a car. He was never the partying type, never did the wild/stupid/crazy kid shit that so many of us did. He works full time as a welder/fabricator, and seems to not only like his job but takes it pretty seriously. However, neither one has ever lived on their own or had to budget for bills and groceries. As mature as my nephew is he’s never really had to deal the mundane minutiae of being an adult. He was an only child so never had to learn how to, for instance, share a bathroom with someone. Neither knows how to cook or clean (yes, I’m serious) and neither have any sort of long-term life plans.
I have all sorts of alarm bells going off. She’s 3 or 4 years older than him, only works a casual part-time job, and doesn’t drive because where she grew up (Bakersfield, CA) driving was “scary.” They’ll be living in a rural town without so much as a grocery store. She’s been married once before but hasn’t said much about it other than it was annulled (which, apparently, make it ok in the eyes of the Pentecostal church they both attend). She has this “crazy chick” vibe that I can’t put my finger on, but its definitely there.
I dunno. Maybe this will work out. But I’m not holding my breath. Part of me, obviously, thinks “ok, it’s not my circus and they aren’t my monkeys.” But I’ve known him since he was 2 and I’m really worried these two are rushing into marriage with people they don’t know well.
But what difference will that make? There comes a time when it’s their life. Ready or not! They’ve been raised up already, if they haven’t acquired the skills they’ll need by now, they’ll just have to learn as they go. Quite possibly the hard way. As twenty somethings this IS kinda the time they’re supposed be taking the reins, steering their ships and learning from their mistakes. I mean better now than when their in their forties, I should think.
Surely you didn’t burst into adulthood with every single skill required. You no doubt learned some tough lessons along the way, through bitter experience, like mostly everyone else on earth. You survived and they will too.
It’s hard to watch young people take missteps in life, but sometimes it’s necessary for them.
My sister was maybe 22 when she met her husband in 1979. Both in the Army. They were engaged after three days, married in three weeks. They’re still married. Personally, I think my BIL is a saint for staying with her this long.
Had a cousin who got married weeks before her 20th birthday. She’d never dated anyone seriously that I’m aware of and had known her husband-to-be for maybe 3-4 months before getting married. They were divorced a year and a half later.
My mother was 21 when she married my father, who was 26. They had known each other about 8 months and got engaged after 6. They will celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary in June.
But both of my parents are extremely responsible, level-headed people, and from what I know were the same way even back then. They had both graduated from college and my father had served in the army. It’s the lack of direction and plans rather than the age that seems questionable in this case.
The best thing you can do is to let him know that you are available as a friendly ear and a source of advice in case he needs it.
Elbows, you’re absolutely right in that, at 20, it’s time for him to sink or swim. As much as I’d like to take him out for a cup of coffee and try to explain to him that he should really put the brakes on and at least wait a while and get to know this woman before getting hitched, it clearly won’t do any good.
One reason I’m so worried, I think, is that my nephew has a very… one dimensional way of looking at the world. Everything is black and white, nothing is on a spectrum. Further, once he (almost immediately) decides that something should be done a certain way well, that’s the way—and the only way—that it can be done, that it is done. For instance, he has an old, beat-to-shit Chevy pickup as his daily driver. It’s been the only vehicle he’s ever driven and he’s sunk thousands—perhaps tens of thousands—of dollars into it over the past 4 years keeping it running. Despite all that money it still looks and runs like crap. I suggested once that he save his money for a few months and go down to a local used car lot and buy something much newer and exponentially more reliable. He gave me this sort of blank stare and asked why he would do that since he already had a vehicle. I told him “well, you can stop wrenching on that POS every weekend just to get to work on Monday and actually save some money over the long run. Your pickup is nickel and diming you to death.” He looked at me and asked again why he should do that when he already has a pickup. It’s not that he’s in love with his pickup, it’s that the idea of replacing it is so alien to him that it almost defies belief. I can’t really wrap my head around that mindset.
Another example: in 2016 Christmas fell on a Sunday. Usually my wife’s side of the family gets together for Christmas dinner around noon. That year my nephew and his parents were hosting the dinner. When we got there around 1130 nobody was there. Nephew and his folks didn’t show up (to their own house, remember) until about 1:30 or 2. They had been at church all morning and early afternoon and had neglected to tell anyone. We kinda kicked ourselves for not confirming the time, but people were still mad at them for not making the time change clear. My nephew simply could not understand why people were cross with them—he had church to go to that morning, and the fact that ~20 invited guests were inconvenienced was simply alien to him. It didn’t fit into his worldview and thus simply didn’t exist.
So when he gets married if, for instance, his wife wants to put frilly towels in the bathroom or hang windchimes from the kitchen ceiling or park in the parking space next to the house instead the one on the street or any of the other zillion little things that our spouses do that we probably wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves, he simply won’t understand why he needs to just shut up and compromise. He won’t understand why she doesn’t want NASCAR throw blankets on the couch or why she objects to using the dishwasher to clean engine parts. It isn’t (I don’t think) that he doesn’t care, it’s that he simply doesn’t understand that someone else’s point of view can have any validity. If it isn’t his way, it simply doesn’t exist.
I’ve known a lot of guys like this and most are just selfish jerks. My nephew isn’t, he’s more like a small child who doesn’t understand the concept of sharing or is aware of other people’s feelings and opinions. Which is odd because he’s pretty intelligent.
You say he’s quite mature and pretty intelligent, perhaps this is how he will acquire his emotional intelligence and learn to compromise. We’re all weird in some ways, if he’s lucked into someone who fits with his quirks and world view they could make a go of it yet perhaps. There is nothing standing in the way of them growing and changing together through the challenges that lie ahead. After all, they are still just raw material.
Consider having faith that they could surprise you, finding direction and embracing maturity in ways that have only manifest because they’ve found their partner in crime. The ‘right’ person coming into your life can change everything about your life, the timing seems unimportant by comparison.
(And if it fails, well there’s some valuable lessons it that for him to use, moving forward in life, as well.)
How young are you looking for? I was 23 when I started dating my husband. We moved in together after a week. We got engaged after 9 months, and married 5 months after that. This May we will have been married 26 years.
I was 21 and my wife was 19 when we married. We met in May and were married in September of the same year. 24 years later we’re still happily married. I know it’s just one anecdote but it is possible for a couple that young to make it work.
My mother had an older cousin who lied about his age to get a certain job… This was back in the 1930’s, less ID was used. He also lied about his age to get married. She was actually a year or more older than he. I think she was nineteen and he was eighteen. He barely finished high school, but eventually went into business and made a LOT of money. The couple celebrated their 60th wedding anninversary…
My mother and father were somewhat older when they married, 24 and 22, but they’d known each other only eight months. Mom says she knew on the first date my dad was the one for her. They celebrated their 62nd anniversary.
I got married after dating my husband for 2 years, living together for one of those. I was 20, he was 23. We’ve been married 17 years. No regrets. It helped us immensely with wealth building…we’re much better off financially than most people our ages.
My nephew was 18, his bride was 16 (but they were in loooooooooove!) Neither had lived outside their parents’ homes. The wedding guests were openly betting on how long the marriage would last. The happy couple went on their honeymoon (to Disney World) and discovered that they couldn’t even rent a car.
The marriage was a complete disaster. I’ll spare the details, but as far as I can tell, the last straw was when she realized she wouldn’t be able to go to her prom.
On the other hand, my sister’s best friend eloped with her boyfriend when they were 18 and have been happily married for more than 50 years.
My MIL was 18 and my FIL was 19 when they married in 1949. June 10 will be 69 years for them.
My mom was 18 and Dad was 22 - they had 50 years together before he died.
When I was in the Navy, I knew a man who married 3 days after meeting his wife and as far as I know, they’re still married.
Dunno if you count it as young, but I was 29 and knew my husband for 4 weeks when we eloped nearly 35 years ago. We just became grandparents this week.
Thirded. Definitely sounds like he’s on the autism spectrum. This would add extra difficulty since it may be harder to reason with him.
I would suggest not trying to prevent the marriage. He’s already decided and any objections will just turn him against you. Instead, make an effort to be there for him and talk with you about the many problems which are sure to pop up in this marriage. Don’t tell him what to do (e.g. You should get divorced). Rather, say things that make him think that things aren’t working out (e.g. That does sound troublesome. That’s not how I would think marriage would be. etc). Hopefully he’ll come to the conclusion that the marriage isn’t worth it and he decides to divorce.
My former stepdaughter met her husband when she was 16; they ended up doing this whole weird Christian courtship thing. They were going to get married that year, but something came up and they put it off. Ended up getting married a few months before she turned 18 (he was older; 20 or 21, maybe?) after needing both her parents to sign off on it. First baby came 10 months later. 15 years on they’re up to four kids and she just got her first “real” job after being a SAHM mom/homeschooler. He’s been working all this time. They have had a lot of ups and downs, but so far they lasted a heck of a lot longer than anyone anticipated. Both had no experience with dating before meeting.
Her father and I met in August and were married at the end of October; I was 23, he was 37. We lasted 16 years; a variety of things brought about the end of the marriage, but I wouldn’t call it a straight-up disaster. We separated amicably and were still in touch when he passed away due to complications from a transplant.