Airplane, Airplane 2 and Police Squad- your favorite quotes

Enough Monty Python, Simpsons and Family Guy quotes, time to revel in the absurdity that is Airplane, Airplane 2 and the short but brillant Police Squad (I guess the Naked Gun movies count if you want to use them too).

I will get the ball rolling:


Steve McCroskey: This fog is getting thicker.
Johnny: And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.

Captain Oveur: Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Steve McCroskey: Johnny, what can you make out of this?
[Hands him the weather briefing]
Johnny: This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl…

Airplane 2:

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, I want to know absolutely everything that’s happened up till now.
Jacobs: Well, let’s see. First the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di’s clothes. I couldn’t believe it.

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, what have you got on Elaine Dickinson?
Jacobs: Well, I’m two inches taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be with.

Police Squad:

Det. Frank Drebin: My name is Detective Sergeant Frank Drebin. A series of gorgeous fashion models had been found unconscious and naked in laundromats. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate credit union holdups. I was doing my laundry when the call came in on a shootout.

Frank: We’re sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn’t dead then.

Woman: Is this some kind of bust?
Det. Frank Drebin: Yes, ma’am, it’s very impressive, but we need to ask you a few questions.

Mr. Olsen: These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test fire this gun into these video tapes of Barbara Walter’s interviews.
Ted Olson: You’ll notice that the bullet only penetrated to the point where Barbara asks Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she wants to be.

Let’s hear yours.



[translated] “Golly!”

I use that all the time.

Naked Gun:

“Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out.”

And of course, Airplane:

“Surely you can’t be serious.”
“I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”

“Say. Nice beaver…”
“Thanks, I just had it stuffed.”

“Yes, it is.”

I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.

I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.
“Oh my god, the Sun” “What is it?” “A huge ball of gas in the centre of the solar system, but that’s not important”

My favorite scene in all those movies:

“The shit’s gonna hit the fan now!”

Top Secret!:

“I’m sorry, Nick, I’ve tried everything. I’ve called the US embassy, the East German consulate, Amnesty International, and it’s just no use. I just can’t bring my wife to orgasm.”

“I’m not the first American rock star to come to East Germany and fall in love with a woman who was once stranded on a desert island with a man who later turned out to be the leader of the French underground.”
“I know. But it all sounds like some bad movie.”

“Hillary? What a nice name. What does it mean?”
“It means she whose breasts defy gravity. What does Nick mean?”
“I don’t know. My father thought of it while he was shaving.”

“Gee, Nick, what did you say to get him so mad?”
“I told him I was going to put him on the Montgomery-Ward mailing list.”

“I have saurbratten in my liederhosen.”

Airplane 2??? Ptooie! I spit on your non-Zucker Airplane 2!


“I just want to tell you both good luck…we’re all counting on you.”

“How soon can you land this plane?”
“I can’t tell.”
“You can tell me. I’m a doctor.”
“No, I mean I don’t know.”
“Can’t you take a guess?”
“Well…not for another 2 hours.”
“You can’t take a guess for another two hours?”

“What a pisser.”

“It’s a totally different kind of flying, altogether.”
[everyone] “It’s a totally different kind of flying.”

“Well, we had a choice: steak or fish.”
“Yes, I remember. I had the lasagna.”

“I think you’re the greatest, but my dad says you don’t play hard enough on defense. And that you don’t really try, except during the playoffs.”
“The hell I don’t!”
Police dauqS:
“You owe me $100. Now cough it up!”
“That’s only 20.”

“Yes, I know.”

Well, since we opened Top Secret! for eligibility :

“How do we know he’s not Mel Torme?”

Police Squad
(working from a 22-year-old memory, bear with me)

Det. Frank Drebin: Sergeants, book 'er and take 'er away.
(two Sergeants show up)
Det. Frank Drebin: Sgt. Booker and Sgt. Takeraway.

D’oh! That’s it. But you still forgot “I know. But it all sounds like some bad movie.”

“This is NOT Mel Torme!”

“You’ll have to forgive him. He’s a little horse.”

“People change, hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate.”

“My father lived in America. He escaped during the Carter administration.”

“Hail, hail East Germany / Land of fruit and grape / Land where you’ll regret / If you try to escape / No matter if you tunnel under or take a running jump at the wall / Forget it, the guards will kill you, if the electrified fence doesn’t first.”

Police Squad.
I’m sure a whole lot of stuff in this episode was just setup for this:

CrimeGuy: Who are you? How did you get in?
Drebin: I’m the locksmith, and I’m the locksmith.

Maybe you had to be there…

"My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’re coming in from the north, below their radar. "
“When will you be back?”
“I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.”

“The survival of everyone on board depends on just one thing: finding someone on board who can not only fly this plane, but who didn’t have fish for dinner.”

Pilot: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn’t handle it.
Prosecutor: Buddy couldn’t handle it? Was Buddy one of your crew?
Pilot: Right. Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn’t handle it, and he went to pieces.
Prosecutor: Andy went to pieces?
Pilot: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.
Prosecutor: Howie came unglued?
Pilot: Oh, no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.
Prosecutor: And he bailed out?
Pilot: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.
Prosecutor: Then Howie survived?
Pilot: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.
Prosecutor: Over Macho Grande?
Pilot: No. I don’t think I’ll ever get over Macho Grande.
And here’s one I use all the time:

Buck Murdock: Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

These men have a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them…

Colonel, who are they?
She’s CIA. The other man’s an extra.

Here’s the target area.
That’s Minnesota, sir.
Damn it, man, that’s the genius of my plan. Why go over there to fight? We can do it right here at home.
Sir, the enemy is over there.
Then we’ll fly them over here. Their families too. We’ll teach them to skate… Do I have to think of everything?

No thank you, sir.
Young lady?
No thank you, sir.
No, I was just offering him a young lady.

When I was in high school, we had all the locks in our house changed. My mother thought she’d get in good with the locksmith guy by telling him this joke. He was not amused, which I think means he has something of a crap sense of humor. :slight_smile: My mother is also famous for, whenever you say you’re over anything, responding “over Macho Grande?”

My favorite, though, above all, is this:

Passenger: Miss, are you telling us absolutely everything?
Elaine: Not exactly … we’re also out of coffee.
Pandemonium ensues

And since Top Secret is allowed …

Dr. Flammond: If they catch you here, your life won’t be worth a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory.

And though Airplane 2 may not have been as Zucker-fied as the rest, you have to give it credit for Shatner. Whenever I’m frustrated with any electronic appliance, I tend to repeat the entire “blinking and beeping and flashing” rant. But my favorite of his lines is the instructions he gives out–“Get me the file on everyone who’s seen The Sound of Music more than four times.”

Oo! Oo! another one, from one of the Naked Guns.
This is probably just a teeny bit wrong

Drebin: You played it for her, you can play it for me. . . Play it Sam.


Someone with a better memory can put me straight (I got the right song tho’)

Oh my god! I’ve been abducted by Huey and Louie!

Oh no! Crockett and Tubbs! They’re floatin’!

Oh yeah? Well, if you shot at me, then where’s your gun?
Well, you’ve got me! I DON’T HAVE ONE!

What’s this on the floor?
Oh, that must be the dog.
No, it’s sweet.
Dog’s a little diabetic.

On that note:

“My god, we have to get this woman to a hospital.”
gasp What is it, doctor?”
“A large building full of doctors and medical equipment, but that’s not important right now.”

Nitpick at will.

And of course, the whole slapping scene is great.

This quote, at least, is from Ruthless People. I’m not sure about the others.