I’m sorry you’re hurting, dragongirl.
There’s a push to legalize more gambling in my state this year. Most of the controversy is about how many jobs the casino will create. What I’m wondering is, how many relationships, even lives, will it destroy.
He too sensed you were weak. He thought he could easily win you, he was right. He thought you wouldn’t wise up and grow a spine. He was wrong.
Stop defining yourself as, ‘not having self esteem’. It doesn’t seem to fit any more, (Congratulations!), if you take my point.
And by the way, how you define yourself largely shapes your future. Yes, you surely feel cynical and self aware, but you’re just repeating your mother’s words really. Stop doing that. Define yourself in only the most glowing terms, and your future will start to take on a different aspect in very short order.
But mostly don’t take this on as ‘something wrong with you’. Because it’s not. And you know it. These people, Mom, ex hubby, this jerk - all toxic. You’re lucky you’re rid of this one, believe me. A woman with no self esteem, would have been pleading him into coming back to victimize her, not chasing him down at a casino.
Remember now, only use your new super powers for good!
Ouch. Just adding my sympathy. Others have already said better that you can’t fix him, and addicted people make stupid choices until they hit bottom.
It hurts too much to see it right now, but in a couple of years you will realize how incredibly lucky you were to have not married him. It’s sad that he is in the grip of this addiction but there is nothing wrong with you at all. Well, maybe there is something wrong with you but nothing that I know about anyway.
**There is nothing wrong with you, YOU did nothing wrong. **
You sound like you have a good and sensible head on your shoulders, and this guy was (and is) an idiot for letting his addiction push you apart. But that’s what addiction does, and there is nothing that anyone (other than the addict himself) can do about it. It’s devastating for you, I know, and I am so very sorry. You don’t deserve this.
But as others have said, as painful as it is you really are better off out of it. There might be a time you could revisit the relationship, IF he comes to his senses and gets treatment, but honestly I wouldn’t hold my breath. Consider this mess a learning experience and move on, wiser and stronger.
You are smart and kind and generous and intelligent, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Keep telling yourself that because it’s true 
I think you went way out of your way to do everything you could to make this work. If there’s any dim spark of the love he once claimed to have for you, it’s that he told you it was time for you to move on.
Better to find out now than after a wedding and a couple of kids. This is very much not your fault, and when it doesn’t hurt quite so much, you’ll realize you dodged a bullet by getting rid of this guy.
I’m so sorry, dragongirl. You’ve gotten very good advice and insight here. I hope it helps you realize you did nothing wrong, and that there’s nothing wrong with YOU. I hope you take up the suggestion of a counselor - talking can really help. Hugs.
You dodged a bullet. More like an artillery shell.
Adding one more voice to the chorus:
His addiction isn’t your fault.
You are worth more than many of the people in your past have told you.
I’m sorry you’re hurting right now.
Good luck to you.
ETA: this book gets a lot of recommendationsfor people who have been where you’ve been and don’t want to go through it all again.
As others said, nothing wrong with you, this is not your fault, and though it hurts, it is probably for the best, for both of you. I’m sorry.
To add some of my own thoughts, some of my loved ones are addicts. Part of makes an addiction an addiction is when it becomes the most important thing in someone’s life and their life becomes predicated on feeding that need. I can’t speak to the legitimacy of his feelings toward you, but I wouldn’t be surprised if part of the reason he asked you to marry him was to help support his addiction, and that part of the reason he’s not in love with you is because you’re no longer doing that.
That’s a man thing, hon – and I’m not trying to man bash here. Women are seen as the more “romantic” gender but it’s not true. Men fall in love at the drop of a hat … and fall out of love just as quickly. They’re fickle as fuck. Women take their time, fall deep … takes us longer to fall OUT of love too. The difference, though, is once a woman is “done” – she’s done. There’s no getting her back. Men tend to waffle more.
There’s nothing wrong with you. He’s an addict and he’s never gonna change. Ok … he MIGHT change, but that’s between him and God. You don’t have 20 years to wait around waiting for him to get his shit together, though. Like other people have said, you’ve dodged a bullet.
hugs I’m sorry hon 
Breakups are hell
I can’t explain people - people is weird. All I can do is say that I’m sorry to hear your news - sending out supporting thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with you. You sound like a lovely person and you will find a great partner! I promise you will.
I had a grandma who would only come visit us as kids if my dad would promise to drop her off at a nearby casino. She only played nickel slots (literally for days and days), but we really knew that the only reason she came at all was to have easy access to the casino. Gambling, to me and my family, was far worse than the other alcoholic grandma. It completely changes a person. I have a revulsion to many games today (like solitaire) simply due to associating them with my gambling grandma.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, but with that said get the fuck away from this guy. Run fast, run far.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars, just get out.
Either he moves or you move now, not next week.
Monitor your credit and for OGs sake don’t kiss and make up.
Good luck.
Honestly, I’m suprised this isn’t in the pit. If it were me, and my gf lied and spent my money on gambling, she’d either be paying me back or we’d be through.
I’m sorry this happened. But, good riddance.
OP:
Not
Your
Fault
Consciously or unconsciously he perceived a vulnerability, a need on your side, and grabbed on to it to help take care of his. And in the best, most generous interpretation of things, there is also this: active addicts in their delusion that they can take control (not give it up, just control it) will sometimes think that a life change, a commitment, will give them the motivation to help them snap out of it. “If I meet the right woman” “If I move to another town” “If I get that big contract” “…it’ll give me a satisfaction that’ll help keep my mind away from (booze/drugs/gambling)”. But… Alas… The motivation has to come from within, it cannot be externally based, because the craving, the hedonic tone that can only be maintained by indulging, is internal. The addict is fooling himself, he’s really seeking enablement: a mate/job/environment/etc that will just help him keep it together enough to stay out of jail or the ICU, but not really change, and will eventually throw away or even destroy his self-proclaimed lifeline if the choice is between that and the sickness.
Too sad, but it can be lived through; painful but good that you avoided being drawn in too deep. Now do seek to start taking best loving care of yourself first of all, please, you deserve much better.
:::Hijack::: yet even penny ante online poker is banned. It’s hard to destroy a bankroll playing 5-10 cent poker.
I’m sorry that your ex is an addict.
Please believe that it in no way reflects on you, or your own value.
In other news, protect yourself financially NOW.
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Move out. Find a friend’s couch, rent a cheap weekly hotel, get a 6-month lease in a bad neighborhood - just get physically out of that house. You need to have your own space so you can think clearly and make rational decisions without worrying about whether he’ll be “angry” about what is best for you, or whether one choice or another will “hurt” him. He made **his **decisions based on what he thinks is best for him (his addiction, sadly) and you need to do no less for yourself, or you’re going to get royally screwed over.
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Take any bills for the house, and put them into his name only. Make sure that if they were direct deposit, they aren’t any more. Likewise if they were paid by credit card - make sure they delete that information.
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Check all of your credit card accounts for any activity in the past few months that you didn’t know about. Make sure they’re all clear and stable. Then, **change every single one of your credit card account numbers. **Shred the old ones, and have the credit card company put a notice for their own reference that there is a possibility of fraud.
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Do exactly the same thing for your bank accounts. Change all the account numbers, and make damn sure that your name is the only name on the account. Make especially sure that not only does the number on the debit card change, but that the actual account number is changed, so ex can’t order checks or direct withdrawals from the old account info. Let them know also there is a chance of fraud in future. They will have seen this all before, they will know what to do, and they won’t judge you.
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Check your finances and your credit report religiously for the next few years.
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(and most important) Know, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, that you are SO MUCH BETTER OFF without him. Put it this way - it isn’t that he doesn’t love you, it’s that he CAN’T love you more than gambling. Do you deserve to be with a person who can’t love you? Fuck NO! It’s ok to mourn what could have been, and the person he is aside from the addiction, but in the meantime, remember that you deserve much better than this.
It’s great that you are seeking answers and I do believe there are answers to be found. I think you have pointed out one very big reason for your troubles, you mother.
A parent will shape and mold a child in the image they see for their child, rarely will this be the ideal for that child for them to prosper for who they are. Your reality and view of who you are and what you need and suppose to do come initially from your parents - and I have found until one starts seeking answers to questions as to why something is wrong in their life, the answer is almost they have not yet broken out of their parents mold for them.
To solve this I find that we all need ‘reparenting’ and that typically comes through relationships based on trust and openness and willingness to risk. I’m not saying that one person becomes the child partner in the relationship, but in such a reparenting relationship all aspects come into play where there is a parent/child, child/parent, adult/adult, child/child aspects at different times and under different circumstances and with balance.
It involves openness and interdependency with each other. If that can be achieved then healing can begin and the hurt inner child can start receiving the caring they were so long denied. Which also means that no child was a mistake as the love for that child is here, it just came later and in a different form then expected.
As for you ex, he took the child position, opened up for you and gave you control for a time. You need to accept he was not ready to give up his dependance, a dependance that most likely compensates for his own lack of childhood love and care. He feels more comfortable self medicating with gambling then trusting another with his inner being. In time hopefully he will realize that this was a opportunity that was offered and that will lead him away from gambling.
I also would like to caution you about marriage before the inner child is healed. Many, far too many people, get trapped in a marriage, unable to get the healing their inner child needs, because the bond of marriage is preventing them from moving on to the next person that can help them. At your stage I see it as a good thing that you did not marry for this reason, you need more inner healing and reprograming that you are cared about, you are not a mistake, you are meant to love and be loved. Till your mother’s negative voices in your life is replaced with messages of loving care I’d suggest being cautious about ending healing through relationships and going with one person in marriage.
Peace