Alone again. What's wrong with me?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Right now, my heart is broken. I don’t even know how to describe how I feel.

In February my boyfriend asked me to marry him and I was surprised and happy and said yes. In March, we moved out of the house we were sharing into a more affordable one. After that he seemed a bit distant at times, but he was working a lot and had a new job so I thought that was it, when I asked if we were ok, he said yes.

In June were were supposed to go away for a few days to a casino out of state, but I discovered that a few days before we were going to leave, he had taken his entire paycheck and gambled and lost it all at a nearby casino, so no trip. After a little digging, I discovered that he had done this in the recent and distant past, but I was unaware of it until that time.

After talking about it, he agreed to turn all the money over to me and I took care of the bills. All seemed to be fine after that.

In early September, he had to go away for business and wanted the debit card in case there were unexpected expenses. I had no problem in turning it over to him. However, the day after he left, I went to use it to put gas in the car and it was declined. He had taken everything and refused to answer the phone the entire weekend. I had some words with him when he came home and he told me that not having control of money was something that bothered him, so we worked out a plan where the bills would get paid and that he would have his own money. When I asked him if he was happy with that, he said he was. That would make sense, it was his idea.

This weekend, we went to a convention. It was only 45 minutes away. We had taken separate cars. I left a few hours before he did because I was very tired. Soon after I got home, he called me because he had run into car trouble and to let me know that he had gotten roadside assistance and was now on his way. 4 hours later, he was not home and did not answer his phone. I thought that his car broke again, and there is weird phone service down that way. I thought he was stranded, so I drove down there to find him. When I passed by a local casino, I saw his truck parked there.

I went inside and found him easily. He had gambled and lost $800.00 that was supposed to be used for bills. He left with me.

When we got home, he told me that he had fallen out of love with me. He said that he gambled for fun and that wasn’t going to change. He said he started falling out of love with me “a little while ago” and doesn’t see it changing. He told me to save my money and not contribute to our bills so that I could save for my own place.

I do not understand what happened here. I am very confused. To me it’s clear that he has a gambling addiction. I believe that he fell out of love with me when I became aware of it and protested it.

But at the same time, I feel like it is all somehow my fault. I have pretty low self esteem and have felt that no one in my life has ever really cared about me. In fact my mother spend my childhood telling me that I was a mistake. My ex-husband was physically abusive and I don’t really have a lot of friends. I feel like I have been thrown away by almost everyone.

How could anyone go from wanting to marry me to not being in love with me in such a short amount of time?

2

Nothing wrong with you. Dude is a gambliing dick. Move on.

3

You shouldn’t be heartbroken; you should be relieved. Bail on outta there.

The fact that it was a ‘surprise’ that he proposed leads me to believe one of two things. One, that he was mentally altered when he asked. Two, that he was losing so much money gambling that he couldn’t afford to live alone, and used you so that he could gamble more of his money. And, I guess, your money.

4

He’s ashamed of himself. Having you out of his life is less painful to him than having you in it, now that you know who he really is. Move on.

5

It’s not that he fell out of love with you. It’s that you were a threat to his addiction, and in his illness, he can’t tolerate that. He told you whatever would serve to remove you as a threat. Most likely, he’s done this to other women when they discovered and confronted him about this.

It’s difficult to understand for anyone who doesn’t have an overwhelming addiction. I don’t, and I have to work to wrap my brain around it. When someone is in the throes of an addiction, there is no logic, there is no empathy, there is no control. They do what they have to in order to get that kick of dopamine, and once an addiction is established, it’s never enough.

What you need to understand is that you cannot help him, and if you try, he’ll fight you every step of the way. You need to separate yourself from him and the relationship in order to save yourself. It sounds cold hearted, and it is, but there is no happy ending in this scenario. There is only minimizing damage.

Get away from him. Get far, far away from him.

Then, go find a counselor. Not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because having run into this twice, it’s all too easy to blame yourself and think that you’re the broken one. You’re not, but you probably need to hear it from a trained professional.

6

I’m sorry you’re hurting **dragongirl]/b]. It truly sucks to be treated that way.

Addicts form a sort of relationship with the object of their addiction. A friend of mine used to refer to alcohol as her “secret lover”. When confronted with the reality that his two relationships, the one with you and the one with the gambling couldn’t co-exist he had to choose and he chose the gambling.

That is no reflection on you. Addiction and addictive behavior is very powerful and seductive.

Take what you can learn from this and walk away. Being married to a gambling addict would have been a disaster. At some point you’ll be grateful that you got out when you did.

Best of luck.

7

He’s got an addiction and it’s stronger than his love for you. That doesn’t reflect negatively on you one bit. My dad loves drinking and smoking more than he loves me - that’s why it’s an illness and not just an annoying problem.

You’re fine. Be glad you aren’t legally tied to this dude with a gambling problem.

8

sorry for your life being hard.

boyfriend has a problem in making good life decisions. you can’t take his choice to marry you and now not as any indication of yourself or anything outside of him. you are better not having him or being married to him. it is very good you found out about this now.

9

You aren’t going to believe this, but you are a lucky person for finding this out now.

He’s not “not in love” with you, he just loves (actually, he needs) to gamble more.

Your boyfriend actually gave you very good advice. Save your money, don’t contribute to his bills and move out ASAP. I’ve personally seen two friends’ marriages destroyed by this. Don’t make it three.

10

I agree with phouka. Addicts become black holes, consuming and using friends and family to feed their addiction. At first they’re careful, but once they’ve burned enough bridges they’ll say or do pretty much anything to get a fix.

I’m sincerely very sorry about your mother and ex-husband being awful to you, and I also agree that you should see a counselor who can help you see yourself as a valuable person who deserves good things.

11

I’m so sorry for your pain, but thank goodness you found out before any serious damage was done!

If any of those bills he is “paying for you while you save” are in your name, keep very close watch to make sure they are being paid, Also, be absolutely certain that any accounts with your name on them are clsoed when you do leave.

Check your credit, and get one fo those monitoring services for at least the next twelve months. Compulsive gamblers very often take out credit cards in the names of people who have lived at their address, then gamble away huge sums never paying the bills. While you wouldn’ t be responsible for such charges, it still affects your credit score, which can be very costly over the years.

If you have any valuables make sure they are locked away at a friend’s house, and check to make sure he doesn’t have keys to your car, etc.

He will get desperate again, and when he does, the decisions will be made by the disease, not by the person you thought you knew. Prepare yourself and protect yourself exactly as if you were living with a known felon.

12

It has nothing to do with you. Addicts don’t love anything but what they are addicted to. Please believe me when I say you are a million times better off without this man in your life. He is on a downward spiral and he won’t have any issues with dragging you right down with him. Look at his actions. He had no compunctions about clearing out your bank account and leaving you without gas money and then dodging your calls, and you were concerned about his happiness? Fuck that shit.

Love yourself first always because that sets the bar for the treatment you will accept from others. Everything you do has to be with your own best interests in mind, and I don’t mean in a selfish pig way. I mean it in treating yourself in the best possible way, the most responsible way; be it emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, you name it. You show yourself love in every little choice you make; from choosing healthy and nutritious foods rather than eating junk or high calorie foods, from exercising rather than loafing, from having a clean and tidy home rather than a dirty mess, from not allowing people who aren’t good for you in your life. Everything is a choice. Minute by minute, make every choice the best one for you.

If you feel like no one cares, you can make yourself matter to a group of people by volunteering. Teach adults to read. Work at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. Helping those who really need it will instill a feeling of gratitude for what you do have in your life and help get your mind into a good place.

13

He’s the one with the primary problem. You are collateral damage, but are not responsible for this. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it. It’s him. It’s not you.

Be angry at him, be angry at the gambling disorder, but don’t be angry at or ashamed of yourself.

Don’t be guilty either.

It’s okay to feel sad and grieve though.

14

As others have said, cut your losses and count your blessings. Nothing wrong with you, you are just less important than his addiction, just as any other woman would be. Also, fixing him is not something you can do, nor should you feel like you should even try. When he has finally lost everything, he may decide to seek help for himself, but maybe not even then.

15

Phew, you dodged a bullet there. As others have said, there is nothing wrong with you. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, what a horrible thing to go through. Stay strong and give yourself some time to get over this.

16

Bingo. That’s the entire bottom line here. And thank God this came to a head now, and not after you were legally tied to him. Get out as quickly and cleanly as you can, and count your blessings.

Incidentally: your mother was a bitch. Your ex-husband was a dick. Having had to deal with emotional vampires in your life doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a person with something to overcome. However, if you hear their voices running a negative commentary through your head, please consider the source. What makes them better than you? (spoiler: not a damn thing.)

This is just so awesomely put that I had to repeat it. Well said!

Take care of you, dragongirl! It’s okay to hurt for a while and it’s okay to pull back and lick your wounds until you feel better. But never doubt that you will feel better in the end. And please think about getting counselling to help you to populate your life with good people who lift you up, not drag you down.

17

He just saved you from making a horrible life wrecking mistake.

18

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. But no, there’s nothing wrong with you. Except maybe that you expect and accept losers that treat you poorly, because you have low self-esteem and think that you don’t deserve any better. Or something like that. Maybe something that you need to work on.

19

There’s nothing wrong with you, and you just dodged a bullet. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but someday (hopefully soon!) you will realize this guy was not worthy of you and being with him forever would be more of the same, all the time.

You hit the nail on the head with the gambling addiction. He loves his addiction more than he loves you; he probably loves you as much as he can, but that’s not enough.

20

I’m so sorry to hear it, dragongirl. Addictions are hell. A loved one choosing an addiction over you is hell. (Been there, done that, still have scars.)

Everyone is right that this isn’t your fault, and you can’t do anything to fix him. He’s the only one who can fix him. You can only get the hell out of the way, and hope that he decides to get help. My personal rule is that an addict needs to be clean and sober for two years before being allowed back in my life. Possibly longer, depending on their history. (I’m serious about the ‘get the hell out of the way’ part - as others have mentioned, it’s time to separate your finances and watch your credit rating like a hawk. You probably haven’t discovered the extent of his financial trouble yet. Addicts lie like rugs, it’s part and parcel of the addiction mechanism.)

Go ahead and feel whatever you’re going to feel. IMHO that’s the only way to move through things - trying not to feel the ‘wrong’ things just means it gets stuffed in a box for later. Guilt is a pretty common reaction to relationships breaking up, even though you know logically that it’s not true. Emotions aren’t logical things.

I’m a big fan of counseling. Having a sympathetic, educated shoulder to cry on is a huge help in processing stuff. By and large, they’re people who love to help other people. They’d do it for free if they didn’t have to make mortgage payments like everyone else. (There are some shitty counselors out there, so sometimes you have to try a couple before finding someone that you can work with effectively.) If you don’t have insurance that will cover it, most counties and cities have programs that can help you out.

{{{{{dragongirl}}}}}