…not about our relationship, as far as I know, but he’s having a rough time. School, work, his family pressuring him about various things… a lot of his friends are having problems… it all adds up. I know how it is.
(Preface: We have been dating exclusively for a few months. I’ve known him for a hella long time. He lives about an hour to an hour and a half away, and we are both full time students. We both work, so our actual SEEING each other is limited to about once a week. Over our spring breaks, which coincided, we spent 4 days together.)
But, he won’t talk to me much. Tonight we talked about something I said on Thursday that he took offense to… I jokingly said something about him loving me for money. He knows I really don’t feel that way. He said that he thought about it more, and he thinks that’s how it looks, though. But I tried to explain that we split just about everything equally… I pay for dinner one night, he pays the next. I think he considers a lot of the free things I give him to be things that come out of my pocket (ex: I got him a free ticket to an amusement park because my season pass allowed for a free bring-a-friend – net cost to me was $0 for his ticket, but he perceived it to be me paying for something). I also gave him a cellphone, because he didn’t have one, and I seriously got it for free from Sprint. My current plan allows for a free second line, and because of my good standing, they gave me a free phone. Again, the total cost to me is $0 – the phone was absolutely free, and the monthly charge for the additional line is $0. He says he knows that we spend things equally, but he can’t make “what he knows equal what he feels”.
He said that he was thinking about various things and was trying to sort them all out… which I understood. He said he felt emotionless tonight, which made me worry a bit.
I tried to get him to talk about other stuff that was bothering him, but he said it felt like I was prodding him too much to talk. I don’t want to be the bothersome type, so I said goodnight and signed off. I left him a voicemail reminding him how much I care about him and that I was here, if he wanted to talk.
This is indeed mundane, and is extremely pointless, but I just wanted to vent a little bit. Not that I feel at all angry, I just wish he would talk more about his feelings. He’s a shy guy anyway, and the only heart to hearts we usually have are when we get to actually spend time together. I’m a paranoid person by nature, so all of this makes me worry that he might start having doubts about our relationship. Whenever someone “sorts anything out,” I worry that they might start second guessing things about me… in this case, about our relationship. I know the difference between love and what is not love, and I do love him. He is very special to me. I am also very careful about how I tell him that, so that he doesn’t feel overwhelmed.
I think he has cycles of feeling really bummed, and feeling really happy. It might be related to whenever we see each other… because he never seems really sad when we’re together.
So yeah, I just wanted to talk. I wish relationships were easier. That’s about it.
