I know he loves me, he just isn't showing it well today.

My boyfriend has managed to make an entire day out of hurting my feelings.

His best friend is coming into town the week before his birthday. We originally planned on him getting a night out on the town with the boys, plus a birthday celebration later on. Now he has decided that everyone will be too tired for the birthday celebration after a big blowout like that. So the birthday celebration is now the Guys Night Out, which, by the way, I am STILL not invited to.
Of course I tell him I’m upset. He replies, “No, It’s ok, you can come out to dinner with everyone on my birthday.” Ok, fine I get dinner but still miss party. Thanks benevolent leader. Then he lights in on ME. “I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for a Guys Night Out.” No. It isn’t. But to attach some kind of importance to it, and then deliberately leave me out is hurtful.

They are going to a strip club! Where he can ogle breasts and asses that are not mine. Where he can just generally dehumanize this woman and diminish them to their boobies. While he leaves me out of it. Hmmmm…

My laundry is at the Laundromat. I ask him to pick it up for me on his way back from work. “C’mon babe, this is becoming a habit. You always do this. You put it in on your way to work. You put it in the dryer on your way back. Then I go get it in the morning. Or, you could just manage your time better and get it yourself.”

WTF?? Why do you have to turn every discussion we have into “Reasons Why Torie is Lazy.”? This happens all the time. Excuse me, sir, but I have a 30-hour a week job that I have to devote most of my day to. But if I just got up earlier, I wouldn’t have to devote most of my day to it. Fine. But it doesn’t change the fact that you work for two hours in the morning, and then either sleep for play games all day. Nor does it change the fact that nothing I do is good enough for you. Then, I come home. I do the dishes, walk the dog, and get my laundry. And if I don’t do these things within the time frame he sets, I’m lazy.
Yes, I have some organizational problems. No, sometimes I don’t manage my time wisely. Maybe I am not as neat as you want me to be. But when I point out that I pay rent here to and shouldn’t be made to feel like a guest, you say, “Well, you moved into my environment, that’s the way it works.”
Fine punish me because my mother went crazy and told me to move. Punish me because I don’t make a lot of money. Punish me because I have nowhere else to go. I’m trying to change. I’m trying to be more organized. I’m trying to be neater. How am I supposed to do that when YOU WON’T CUT ME ANY FUCKING SLACK!!! When you talk to me like I am dirt. You always apologize and seem to feel genuinely bad. That’s why it is so infuriating when you do it again.

sigh I love him and want to make this work. But sometimes I think I deserve more. But this relationship is not about my convenience or my comfort, or even really my feelings. It’s about building a life together. That life together is worth the temporary sacrifice of my comfort, and my convenience.

So all you need to do is work with me a little. Please?

Uh, you work 30 hours, he works 14 (tops), and treats you like crap? What is his power over you?

Do the boys and I need to make a special trip and knock some sense into him?

Seriously, your post could be condensed so:

My boyfriend consistantly hurts my feelings.
My boyfriend doesn’t share work loads.
My boyfriend doesn’t share costs.

If you’re talking long term, these things don’t “go away” or “fix themselves”. Character flaws are usually permanent.

What club is he going to? The Trophy Club is the bomb!


Nothing makes me angrier than people who assume that certain kinds of work are for women to do.

Sit him down. Say “Look. We both live here, we both generate dirty dishes and laundry, so we will both be responsible for cleaning it up.” You should be spending about equal time doing chores, ideally - in fact, if you work outside the home more than he does, then he should be picking up a little slack.

Come up with some system that you agree is equitable. In my house, whoever cooks doesn’t do dishes (and vice versa), and we each do our own laundry. If he can’t be arsed doing laundry, or can’t be arsed picking it up from the washer before it gets moldy, that’s his problem, not mine.

It seems to work pretty well.

If he doesn’t agree that he should pull his weight chore-wise, ask him why. Press him. I haven’t ever heard a reasonable answer to this question and I’ve hunted, believe me ! If he persists, send me his details and I’ll harass him myself … :wink:

He has a paper route.
He shares more than his share of the costs. Paper Routes pay well.
I think they are going to Platinum.

It’s not like he does NONE of the chores. He does contribute and clean. It’s just that he comes down on me sooooooo hard when I don’t do things like he wants them.

P.S. Bruce-Daddy, that was sweet! I won’t be necessary though. He’s not a bad person, he is just inconsiderate at times. :slight_smile:

Perhaps you should look for a man who has ambitions higher than “Paper Carrier.”

Please tell me that your SO is in school and does more than work 2 hours a day and play video games.

He may not be a bad person, but being inconsiderate is not a trait that disappears over time.

RE: Boys Night Out

I agree with him, men do liek to get out with old friends and not have the girlfriend tagging along.Stripper bars? Big deal, by now I am sure he has seen female anatomy, its just a guy thing to do with the buds. Go have dinner and then do soemthing with your gfs while he is out with his friends.

I Do have to say that I think you’re over reacting about the stripper bars. Being afraid to let your boyfriend see other breasts is a bit indicative of your insecurity.

Honestly, I think you may be over reacting about a lot of stuff. No one likes to do laundry (that I know of) my husband and I have been married for almost ten years and we still bitch at each other over who has to walk the dog. Whining by either party shouldn’t be construed as a personal attack.

Also, as an aside,I’m not calling you lazy, but soem of us work forty hours a week or more and still have to do all the other things you listed. That’s part of adulthood.

He sounds immature and selfish, but I have a feeling your translation to us may be skewed a bit.

I have a feeling it’s a lot of times- I personally wouldn’t put up with someone who felt the need to point out my “character flaws”, such as calling me lazy.

Oh man. I hate to say it, but this guy is not playing fair at all- if you’re living together, it doesn’t matter whos “enviornment” you’re in- you need to be able to work together to make it a place you’re BOTH comfortable and happy in, not just him. It seems y’all aren’t on a very level playing field at all.

He has a PAPER ROUTE? Does he sell lemonade on the side?

If I could snag a paper route that paid well for 14 hours of work, the first thing I’d do is find a second job. An adult does not work 14 hours a week. You two, between the both of you, work less than I do by myself, and I STILL have time to do housework and get some video games in.

You deserve more.

If he is making you feel like a bad person consistently, or that his needs and priorities come higher than yours then you definitely deserve more.

This isn’t about “building a life together” if you’re putting up with stuff that is hurtful. That’s settling. You might have moved into his place, but even as a room-mate co-renter, you should be able to be comfortable in your home, let alone as a part of a couple living together.

Personally, and this is a huge, huge leap, and possibly one that’s all wrong for you, it sounds like you’d benefit from moving out to somewhere you can live on your own terms - not somewhere you’re stuck because of circumstances, where someone is making you feel like it’s not really your place. Can you afford to share a place somewhere else? I mean, if you’re pitching in for rent, can you look for other people who need room-mates? I’m not saying ditch the relationship, I’m just saying that it doesn’t sound real healthy to try to build a life together without sorting your own needs, wants and expectations out first, and preferably in an environment where there isn’t a romantic relationship at stake.

Red Flag!
Can you move in with a girlfriend? Somebody with whom you have an equal relationship? Picky people seldom change, in my experience.

He is in school full time. He is waiting for the last class he needs to open up. That’s why he was forced to take a semester off.

His job pays alot better than mine does. And it leaves him alot of time for school, which he works very hard at.

I am planning on having a talk with him tonight.

Hopes it goes well

First off, strip clubs are no big deal if you trust him. Do something for his birthday the two of you another night.

As for you moving into “his environment”, either its equally both of your place now, or its not. If you’re still a temporary “guest”, its time to go home. If you two are offficially living together, things get split right down the middle. Living together should be a carefully thought out, lets agree on the expectations, kind of decision.

I’m guessing things kinda just ended up this way, but its time to define things.

Good luck on “the talk”. Its never fun, but being willign to talk always helps.

I’m just wondering- Sparky, do I happen to know you outside of the SDMB? One of my friends is using Sparky-something as her handle.

Birthdays aren’t that big a deal. My opinion is if you want to celebrate, make something up, you don’t need to wait for a specific date.

I suppose what I mean is, would you care if it wasn’t his birthday and he did the same thing?

My ex was similar. But it just got to the point where I didn’t want that anymore. So I went out and found somebody who knows how to share responsibility (he’s unemployed, I work 40+hr/week. he won’t let me do the dishes even if I WANT to), feels that I am not only his girlfriend but also his best friend (I am “one of the boys”), and nobody gets pissy.

Don’t settle for less if it makes you truly unhappy. My ex was a great guy. I had some of the best times of my life with him. He taught me a great deal, and I experienced things I may never have(also, he was a phenomenal chef). But we both had serious issues with aspects of eachother, and we weren’t ever going to be as happy as we could have been with somebody else.

That’s just my .02

Sorry you’re having some issues torie I’d just like to add that strip clubs are no big deal if you trust him (as someone else did) but are bad places if he can’t be trusted…

(and yes, I have the background to know).


Going to a strip club is, to me, an offense worth dumping a guy over. I hate 'em. Some women don’t mind them, but I do, and I wouldn’t put up with it.

If strip clubs bother you, you may as well end it because he’ll still be going to them when you’re married. I don’t believe in trying to “clean up” a guy’s behavior or the “I’ll change him” routine. If a certain behavior (and it can be anything) REALLY REALLY bothers you and you don’t want that particular behavior in your husband, break up. Maybe you never were planning on marrying this guy, but one of these days a boyfriend of yours WILL turn into your husband. Even now you should be screening your love interests according to whether or not they are good marriage material. Date wisely :slight_smile:

And you are not “insecure” for not wanting your man to go to a strip joint. For me it’s not about my husband seeing breasts (he sees breasts on the Sopranos). It’s about acting like a man fit to be married to a lady like me, and VICE VERSA. There are certain things I’d never do because I’m married to him, because I want his reputation to be clean, too.

Married straight male here.

The strip club thing is just a minor annoyance - I’m not into that stuff myself, but I do go out with my buddies and not my wife.

The other stuff is a bit more serious, methinks. If you are in a relationship, it should be an equal partnership - it matters (or should matter) not at all who moved into whose “environment”.

Now, arguing about chores is par for the course - no-one likes chores; that is why they are called “chores”. That being said, it should not matter who is bringing in the most cash; what matters is who has the time to do 'em.

That all being said, it sounds like buddy here is exerting some unfair dominance over you. I have seen this very often in my friends, male but particularly female; the dominant partner has a lot of rationalizations as to why he (or sometimes she) should get his/her own way in everything, which usually involve putting the other person down in some way. Lazy, disorganized, stupid. The result is that the submissive partner ends up feeling worse about her/him self, like they deserve what they are getting …

Don’t let it get to that. That’s my 2 cents worth.