For the past few weeks, my boyfriend has been doing boxing training. That’s all well and good, and I have been supportive for the duration.
Until today.
I had a job interview today and scored the job of my dreams (yay!) but when I phoned my boyfriend up all excited, the only reply was a grunt, and then he went into a long spiel about his training that day. As you can imagine I started foaming at the mouth and babbling incoherently into the phone before I slammed the reciever down.
I feel hurt because I have supported him through this and also encouraged him with it, ( and plenty of other things,) but when something good happens to me he is too preoccupied with his own shit to even acknowledge it. A “Congratulations, now you don’t have to gut fish for a living” would have sufficed.
I don’t want to be a whining and difficult girlfriend but I would like some support and a little interest from him about my activities. It’s not like scoring the job of your dreams is a little thing. I understand how important his training is to him, and I am happy he is doing something that makes him so excited, but why can’t he understand and acknowledge that there are things in my life that are important too?
Sit him down and explain very very carefully and very very slowly a) why the new job is important to you, b) why it’s polite and sensible for him to acknowledge things that are important to you, and c) why this should be FUCKING OBVIOUS to any SANE ADULT for FUCK’s SAKE.
Sometimes you have to spell it out for people. It’s more likely to succeed than just banging the phone down.
I don’t know about your guy, but I’m pretty laid back. I could win the lottery, and all I would really want from my female of interest would be a “Cool!”. Thus, I would give the same response if she were to have some great, life-changing event. (The only exception being if a child were born, in which case I might get the sniffles, then shout it from the rooftops)
Or, as stated before, ditch him, and invest in a new one.
I was stuck in Montana during the week of Sept. 11. 4,000 miles away from home and no way to get home until the airlines opened up again. When I finally did make it home, every single person I know who cares about me had tried to contact me to make sure I got home okay. Except the one guy I was dating.
I very carefully explained to him that I was through with him because he was so wound up in his own issues and life that he clearly didn’t have time to pay any attention at all to a girlfriend. I told him he didn’t have any business having a girlfriend until he learns to be compassionate and considerate of the people he claims to care about.
IMHO, guys like this are merely inconsiderate and perhaps a bit emotionally immature.
Unless he has already built up a history of being unsupportive and/or self-absorbed, I’d argue that this one occurence means absolutely nothing. It’s real easy to have something on your mind that clouds your judgement and makes you come off as a jerk when you don’t normally behave that way.
No, you’re not being unreasonable. If this is a big and recurring problem, maybe the 2 of you weren’t meant to be together. If the guy is really that self-centered, I doubt you’re going to be able to change him. He’s either interested in your life, or he’s not - it’s not like training a dog. Of course, if it’s only happened once, I think it would be kind of rash to dump him.
Grr. this makes my blood boil when I see chicks get with guys like this. Please make my day and tell me you got rid of this punk.
Oh, i guess Should say if this is a one time occurance than let it go. But the cynicism in me tells me its not. My sister used to go out with guys like this and it was all I could do not to kick their ass. Thank god she finally got some sense into her head and hooked up with a good beau.
Oh yes… how kind of you. Treat him with the same disinterest he treated you with… that’ll teach 'im. That’s the mature way to go about it.
See, we’re missing a couple things here. Is this a recurring thing with him? If not, then maybe, just maybe, he was caught up in his own stuff and failed to actually understand the importance of your news. Which, by your own admission, is “pretty lame for a dream job”. If you’re gonna assume that all of us will think it pretty lame, why not assume that he will too?
You know what, it happens. Every now and again we all get all caught up in our own little worlds and we miss stuff. Anyone here that says they haven’t is a fucking liar.
If this isn’t something that happens often, or even every now and again with the guy, cut him some slack. Or at least return his call and tell him why you’re upset. Try discussing it like rational human beings instead of being whiney little children.
What Simetra said: you two are adults, handle thing like adults.
If this is a one-time thing, talk to him about it, tryand resolve the situation, give him a chance to apologize–after you apologize for ignoring him for two days nad not telling him why.
If this is a pattern, dump him, not becasue he did anything wrong, but because you are not compatable–if he always reacts like this, it means that he dosen’t see emotional support and interest in each other’s lives as beinga crucial aspect of relationships. Again, there is nothing wrong with that–I know plenty of well adjusted people who are like that–but it means that he is not compatable with you. This is no different than if he felt like eating Italian food together was a critical aspect of a relationship and you couldn’t stand tomato sauce.
Last, drop the whole “I did it for you” spiel. Doing things for people is a gift and the point of a gift is that there is no strings attached. If you tell him “I do it for you, so you have to do it for me”, all you are going to get is a boyfriend who won’t let you do anything for him out of fear that he is going to be nagged into paying you back–so he will hide the stuff going on in his life instead of risking having you support him.
In addition to the already more-than-adequate posts made by Simetra and White Lightning, I want to point out that support - and indeed everything else in a relationship - does not operate on some kind of scoring system. The fact that you supported his boxing should not be relevant to this issue. Nor should be the fact that you did the washing-up or drove him to the station that time. He should support you because he wants to, not because he is beholden to you. And vice versa, of course.
Other than that, he may have:
a) been in the middle of thinking about something else and hence not quite been in the mental state needed to talk to you right then. Phone calls come at very inappropriate times sometimes.
b) not realised how important this was to you.
c) simply have reactions that aren’t always quite as vociferous as you’d like. This doesn’t mean that inside he doesn’t care. Words are cheap anyway - support means action not words.
d) a myriad other reasons why he didn’t react as you wished.
I don’t know his side of the story. I only know yours. And from what you have presented of yours, I’m not impressed. Refusing to return phone calls and crowing about the fact on a message board impresses nobody. Either talk to him and explain what is wrong or move on to somebody else. Right now, you’re simply conforming to every negative stereotype a man every had about a woman, which does nobody any favours.
Once again it seems that Manda and I are operating from a very similar place. And once again she gets there first. But I’m catching up. Just 9 minutes behind this time.
I just can’t believe it took me 9 minutes to read this thread and construct my sorry attempt at a post.
