Sorry, this will be whiny I’m sure.
Long story short: my boyfriend didn’t come home last night.
Long story long: Since Sunday he has been very busy with a protest that occurred the day before yesterday at the Republican debate. He stayed out (with a heads-up) for a couple of days, interviewing and photographing the homeless. Our paths crossed briefly at home or at the protest. He slept here Tuesday night, I went to work and saw him Wednesday night at the debate.
We got in a bit of an (whispered, 2 minute) argument there. He barely acknowledged me and made me feel very unwelcome. Later, after the protest, we talked and apologized- he apologized because he was so caught up in what was going on he barely noticed me, I apologized for getting so upset about it. We went out and got some food. I spent the last bit of money I had on it (instead of on gas) because I knew he had a paycheck waiting for him that he could get the next day.
Later that night he took my car out to go check on the homeless people who’d been at the protest, worried that now that the protest was over the cops would be harrassing them. Unbeknownst to me, he drove the last bit of gas out of my car. The next morning he got up and said, once again, he was going to check on folks. He wanted to take my bike. I offered to drive him, saying we could stop and get his check on the way. He said I had no gas. I was not happy about being stuck here with no transportation, but he said he’d be right back.
I waited a couple of hours. I needed that money, because I was supposed to work that afternoon and needed gas to get there. So when he didn’t come “right back” I walk down to the protest site to see if he’s out there (I tried to drive, but the car died around the corner). Now, this is the 3rd, 4th, 5th time I’ve had to walk down to the protest site because he had my mode of transportation. It’s about a half hour walk, and the last time I did it, I pulled something in my hip. So I’m very unhappy. I walk down there. I stop by a liquor store where one of our friends is working to see if she’s seen him. Nope. Onto the former protest site. Empty- the homeless have all moved on. Wander around a little bit, can’t find him anywhere. Walk back home, getting blisters, hip hurting.
Waited a little longer. Still nothing. By this time I’ve missed work and I’m pretty pissed, but also upset because the night before he’d said we’d spend the day together since we hadn’t seen each other much this week. So I head out again, only able to go where my (sore, blistered) feet can take me, and head towards a friend’s house a few blocks away. He’s sitting on someone’s porch on the way. We have a brief (whispered) argument in their front yard- it’s been 6 hours since you were going to “be right back,” I needed gas money to get to work, you drove all the gas out of my car, blah blah blah. He says he’ll be home in a little while (this is around 6).
Another hour goes by. I’m upset. I wanted to spend time with him, and all we did today was fight. Plus, one reason I was unhappy about him taking my bike out is that it’s 1) very valuable and 2) irreplacable (it’s a 1937 Corsair). I had one bike stolen already, I’m paranoid. I know my bike is on the front porch in a less-than-desirable neighborhood, so I head over to see if he’ll come home or at least give me my bike so I don’t worry about it anymore and don’t feel so trapped in the apartment. Not on the porch, though the bike is (locked up and he’s got the key), no one answers when I knock. Walk to the friend’s nearby that I was headed to earlier, no one there. Back home.
Worry. Cry. Send email (we don’t have phones). Worry, cry, get mad. Go out walking around a couple hours later, back to the house where my bike is. Knock on door, some guy answers, says BF’s not there. Doesn’t know where he is. Doesn’t know who he’s with. Said he was coming back later for the bike. Go to nearby friend’s house, no BF, hasn’t seen him since this afternoon. Go home. Cry. Worry.
Wait a couple more hours. Now it’s late late, too late to go knocking on stranger’s doors, but my bike is still there. Head over to nearby friend’s house. No BF, but they’re looking for him too because BF borrowed camera that is needed this morning. Worry, cry, get mad. Send email. Check Myspace. Hasn’t logged in since last night.
Check county jail website. Stop wandering around because my feet hurt too much and I’ve been approached by a total of 5 men since dark, and that’s scary.
Finally fall asleep around 3, wake up at 6, start walking around again. I’ve gotten a hold of my sister who is bringing me gas money as we speak. I’m very worried. I see that in the 3 hours I was sleeping, he logged in to his Myspace. He didn’t read the several (increasingly hysterical, I’ll admit) messages I sent. So he’s not in jail, he’s somewhere with internet.
I’m more worried than usual because at this protest, he met a girl. He was very quick to tell me she was a lesbian. :dubious: He spent a lot of time with her, but I never met her supposed girlfriend. And last night, while I was freaking out, I found her on Myspace- oh yeah, it says she’s straight.
Either way, I’m assuming by his actions that it’s over. Or, well, if he doesn’t think it’s over, it’s over for me. I’ve struggled recently with depression, and I know that can be hard to deal with. I’ve tried my best not to take it out on him, and I don’t think I have, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m miserable a lot, and don’t want to do the things that he does.
What sucks right now is that I can’t find him to say “yeah, it’s over.” My last BF did that a couple times, the not coming home thing, and we had phones. I sat up several nights, calling, leaving messages, nothing. Then he admitted he was cheating on me. I don’t want to do that again. This BF is not like that at all, he’s never not come home and not let me know ahead of time that he’d had a few too many or whatever. He rarely goes out without me anyway.
But I need support right now. This depression is kicking my ass, and although I’m seeing someone and just started on medication, I need someone to talk to. To hold me, keep my company, that sort of thing. If he’s not up to that, fine, but he needs to let me know because this recent stretch of not hanging out, not speaking, and arguing too much is something I can’t handle right now.
I just want to know what’s going on. I want closure, I want to know why he’s been acting this way recently. Can he not handle the depression? Is he interested in someone else? Just, WTF? GAH!
As an added bonus, he may or may not be going to Miami today for another protest. The carpool’s leaving at 9 AM sharp, from whence I do not know, and I don’t even know if he’s going now. He’s been photographing these protests, that’s what he’s going to school for. He borrowed a camera (and laptop) though, from friend that lives nearby. I see they are still here, I was hoping that the camera and laptop would force him to come home if he really wanted to go to Miami. I see I might have to drop these off myself.
But yeah, that makes it even worse, knowing that I might not be able to speak to him until the wee hours of the morning tonight. I don’t know, whenever we argue it usually only takes an hour or so for him (and me) to cool down, I don’t know what’s different this time.
I just wish my sister would get here with the gas money. Being stuck in the apartment wondering where my (ex?)boyfriend is is much worse than just wondering where my (ex?)boyfriend is.
