Well, it is a result of your decisions and actions, but I wouldn’t call it your “fault”.
You wouldn’t be snowed. You wouldn’t let him gamble everything away. You wouldn’t be his victim.
He might have been just another vampire who dropped you when you wouldn’t open your veins.
I’m very sorry you are hurting, dragongirl, but from what you’ve said it sounds like this is really the best thing that could have happened to you. He’s putting gambling – his addiction – ahead of his relationship, and that’s a very bad sign for his future. If you were still involved, it would affect your future as well. In the meantime, I hope you will start feeling better soon.
It sounds to me like he actually does care about you. He has broken your heart and I hate that for you, but his life it going to be a nightmare and by letting you go now he is saving you from suffering most of the consequences that are coming his way eventually.
You can’t think with your heart in this situation. It’s going to be bad for him. If and when he ever gets help you’ll be in a position to be a friend to him if you choose to be, but if you go down this road with him it will take everything from you, mentally and financially, and you’ll be in the same position he is, just without the fleeting moments of excitement that he got out of it.
Best of luck to you both. I imagine that you’ll be fine fairly soon. For him the worst is still coming.
Suggested new thread title: Dodged a Bullet! Yea for Me!
In trying to move on from all of this, last night I went out with some friends after work and had some fun with them. They are all quite a bit younger then me and I actually trained all of them, but if it works, it works. We will be meeting every Saturday after work now for dinner and drinks and good company.
I am touched that they were silly enough to tell the waiter it was my birthday (it wasn’t) and have them bring me brownies and sing to me. They were also kind enough to treat me, which they didn’t have to do.
He went to the casino yesterday and gambled his paycheck away.
At this time, I am looking in all kinds of papers and asking friends about places to live. I need to save myself and my daughter. However, it really hurts me to know that he is going downhill and that he is not seeking help and cannot see that he has an addiction. I hate to see people hurt and in pain. Especially someone that I love. I wish I had a better understanding of this disease. I have been reading everything I can online about it, but I am having a hard time with understanding how an addict cannot stop themselves somewhere down the line.
To gamble, for him he needs to 1) Decide he’s going to the casino 2) go to the bank/ATM machine 3) put gas in the car 4) drive about 50 miles to the casino 5) gamble the cash he has 6) use the ATM at the casino to get more cash 7) repeat that until all cash is gone.
Somewhere in all of that, I have difficulty in understand why there are no red flashing signs telling him to stop before he has lost everything.
He sees the red flashing signs. He won’t listen because right now, he doesn’t need to. There’s food in the house, the electric and water are turned on, hasn’t sold the TV yet, and you’re not going to nag him about it all - so he doesn’t have to worry. Undoubtedly, once you move out and it all becomes his problem, he’ll come whining around looking for a second chance. Don’t fall for it.
How are you coming with getting your finances untangled? Are you on the lease? That’s far more important than whatever’s going on in his head.
I know what you mean. It’s not something you (or I, or most people who don’t have an addiction) could possibly really understand. You can read about it and talk about it, but you never really get it.
There are many more things like that though, so I think you just need to resign yourself to a different level of understanding: intellectual understanding. It is a disease, it’s a little broken bit in the brain that affects their behaviour in horrible ways. In the same way I can’t for the life of me fathom why someone would hurt a child, to understand it I just need to resign myself to an understanding on an intellectual level. Then you can start adding some empathy to the predicament they are in, their suffering the disease. But not yet, I don’t think.
I’m just saying: don’t torture yourself trying to wrap your head around it. It doesn’t make sense. It just is.
Ignoring the red flashing warning signs may be one of the big things that defines addiction. My bet : ( heh) Whatever emotions the warning signs evoke in him (fear , anxiety, dread, shame…) the rush he gets from gambling makes them go away for a time.
I have been thinking more about this. Disclosure: I am an alcoholic, which is a different addiction. Looking at your ex- fiancé’s gambling addiction allows me some useful detachment.
Two things about those alarm bells:
Because of past transgressions, they are going pretty much constantly. The addict has to learn to tune them out just to be somewhat functional. This is one reason why 1/3 of the steps in twelve step programs are about facing up to the past fixing what is fixable, then closing the door on it.
To an addict, those flashing lights and alarm Bella’s are not warning him of a problem…they ARE the problem. They need to be turned off so that he can go about enjoying his addiction. Conveniently, the addiction itself serves to temporarily silence the alarms. Chemicals do this directly, the gambling probably through a combination of distraction, and naturally produced chemicals like adrenaline, dopamine, sarotonin, etc.
When you try to change his behavior, he sees that as the problem to be fixed, not his behavior.
You dodged a bullet. Be thankful. Pick up the pieces and move along.
If you watch a couple of the Hoarding type shows, you will see some prime examples of people who are about to lose their house, their kids, their family, have ruined themselves financially and are neck deep in red flashing signs telling them to stop but haven’t managed to personally see the light.
Dragongirl, it is heartbreaking that you say this. What this man is doing, and is throwing away, is not your fault in any way. Please do take care of yourself, and get away from this man, and give yourself a safe and secure and pleasant home, and for your kids too (to whatever extent they will still be around).
Perhaps your addiction is to people who don’t really care about you, or at least don’t conduct their lives in a way that expresses real caring about you. Hearing that you were a mistake would certainly be one way to start down a path of getting yourself thrown away. In your writing you appear to be a very pleasant and enjoyable and insightful and present person, one who should have as warm and joyful life as you can imagine. If you are somehow sabotaging that, unconsciously, what a sad waste!
First things first – secure yourself a decent home, a decent existence. That done, what do you think would help you see yourself more accurately, as somebody who SHOULD have a life of joy and not of suffering?
You deserve happiness, contentment, satisfaction; you deserve a good life, don’t you?
Any updates?
Your ex boyfriend was a gambling douchebag. You seem like a nice and responsible person. I can’t believe how you had the trust to give him so many chances. Really, I think you should have no problem finding a boyfriend.
Life isn’t fair!
I left my ex and spent over 10 years suffering because I blamed myself. It wasn’t till I realised that she was a hag from hell that had used me that I was able to move on.
Either deal with it and move on, or become a sad pathetic loser always living in the past and bemoaning your fate like I was.
Few people that you will meet are “real” friends. If you have even one good friend you are lucky.
I have been betrayed by people that I thought were friends for over 20 years.
BTW, if you “need” to have a “partner”, you have already lost. Be a strong person that doesn’t “need” a partner and you will be better off.
Contrary to urban myth, that “right man” that you will meet “one day” may never appear.
I realize you posted this months ago and this was just bumped for an update, but I really feel this deserves a repost. I wish more people would truly follow this advice and realize they are the person who can save their own life.
Great post.
Everything I wanrted to say has already been said. So let me just say you have my sympathy. Hang in there, things will get better.