Bruce, even if you don’t want to tell the wife directly you can still send strong signals. If you’re in a group just don’t interact with the Cheating Husband. Don’t joke around with him, respond in monsyllables, pointedly exclude him for your conversation, etc.
The Cheating Hubby and his little honey are the ones who should be ostracized, not you. They’re the ones who should feel uncomfortable. Don’t let them blackmail you emotionally into lending them face or support even by pretending to ignore the situation. Your “friend” has put you slap into the middle of a tacky, vicious mess and you don’t have to let him off the hook for it.
Personally, I think the wife should be told. I wish someone would’ve told me when my husband did the same thing. Finding out months later and realizing that everyone knew about it makes a wife feel pretty damn stupid. Friend should take wife aside and explain all, including the fact that he knew earlier and didn’t tell. He should then tell her that he’s sorry for being a butthead by keeping his mouth shut. If wifey wants to continue being married to a jerk who will probably do this again, especially if everyone looks the other way while he does what he wants, then that’s on wifey. At least friend’s conscience will be clear. As to whether or not she wants to continue being friends with B_D, she might, if he comes clean now.
First, let me reiterate that, for me, the decision to reccomend to BD that he should keep his mouth shut is based on th epremise that asshole’s affair is immediately ended.
If it’s an ongoing affair that asshole intends to keep pursuing then BD should tell the wife.
This is true.
Unfortunately the family’s not invulnerable to further future harm. Therefore, BD must question which course of action will bring the lesser harm to the family.
I don’t know what you mean by she’s not some random girl, nor what that would have to do with anything. The fact that she’s part of your set makes it okay? That she’s not some chicklet he picked up on the street? What relevance does the fact that you all know the same people have?
You’re saying that you know these two are doing something they shouldn’t be doing, possibly right in front of the wife, no less, and you don’t know what to do since you have every right to be in the same place? Well, what you do is to remove yourself from hanging out with them. Yes, you should just go home, or stay at the pub and talk to other people. If there are no other people, then leave. By hanging out with your scummy friend and his tart, believe me, I was a 17-year-old girl too, and you are only reinforcing the idea she’s got in her head that what she is doing is peachy keen AND that you must approve. You want to be in the pub, fine. But by hanging around and chatting with them, you are giving your tacit approval. Don’t delude yourself into thinking otherwise. Both of them are thinking their actions are fine by you. And if they are, then why are you posting here? If they are not, then don’t encourage them.
Bruce Daddy – who is a bastard but has at least a small pang of guilt over what he is doing (not that it means anything)
His Friend –It’s unanimous: Total scumbag.
The teenage girl – A tart. Not innocent at all.
The Tart’s Mother – Drags the tart to a pub and lets her fuck the patrons. What a gal.
The wife – Her hubby is cheating on her, which she may or may not know about. She does know that hubby gets drunk and passes out in his truck at 3 am and seems to be ok with that. If she can put up with that, then she can probably deal with hubby humping the tart. For what it’s worth, a hunsband getting drunk and passing out in a truck at 3 am is enough to make any other woman know her marriage is in trouble, or soon will be.
The daughter – The real victim.
First, find some responsible relative to take the daughter in, or put her up for adoption, or drop her off at a monastery. Any other place is better for her than home. Then Bruce, his friend, the wife, the tart, and the tart’s mom can appear on the Jerry Springer Show.
Also, instead of telling the mother that she shouldn’t be bringing a 17-year-old to the pub, try telling the pub that they are serving a minor. She’ll likely be booted out pretty quick, and that will save you from having to leave your hangout whenever your cheating friend and his twinkie come in.
I don’t think you should tell the wife, unless you consider her to be just as much your friend as her husband. You should advise your friend in no uncertain terms that you think what he’s doing is scummy, and that he is almost certainly going to lose his wife and kid if he continues. Ask him if he had to choose between staying married and having sex with this girl again what he would pick.
If he decides to continue the relationship, you can decide if you want to be friends with someone like that. If you do, I would personally make it clear you’ll refuse to lie for him, and if he uses you as an alibi again, you’ll tell his wife where you think he was if she asks. I also wouldn’t hang around with just the two of them again.
I think you’d be a better friend if you tried to guide him into doing the right thing than if you simply reported any behavior of his you find objectionable.
Is Bruce_Daddy arranging the meetings between Humbert and Lolita? Not from what I can tell. Humbert’s decision to cheat on his wife has been made, and would likely have happened with or without Bruce_Daddy’s coverage. Free will and all that. So, did he help? Not in my opinion. Is he in a shitty position and being used for an excuse? Absolutely. Is it right of Humbert to ask this of Bruce_Daddy? Absolutely not.
Bruce_Daddy, as others have said, you should let Humbert know you will not cover for him any more, distance yourself from this situation ASAFP, and if asked by the wife, be honest. Yeah, you knew what was going on, but that it was not your place to interfere. Tell her you will answer her questions honestly, but only with facts, not opinion, and only if asked directly. Either way, the friendship between you, Humbert, Mrs. Humbert, and Lolita is severely damaged. Not destroyed, but there is some serious fence mending that needs to be done on Humbert’s part. His wife and child are priority 1, though, if he choses to try and make amends.
I don’t know what their financial situation is, but if I were going to be facing the possibility of divorce with primary custody of a 6-year-old, I think I’d want to know as soon as possible. Especially if my daughter’s “stepmother” is going to be 17-year-old.
Who wants to bet this girl ends up pregnant somehow?
And missbunny and Sat on Cookie again, I agree it isn’t right to hang out with them as that seems to indicate I condone what they appear to be doing, and I don’t. I suppose my only point is I’m not going to quit hanging out with all those people just because of cheating man and girl. The instance where it was just the 3 of us at the Pub was a random occurence.
And on preview, the pub doesn’t serve her. She just sits there and smokes.
As far as my own bastardness (?), the only thing I think I could be guilty of is not telling the wife. That’s all. I haven’t lied to her, I haven’t covered it up. Let’s get that straight first.
The OP phrased his question rather provocatively but please remember this isn’t The Pit. No personal flaming in IMHO, remember. Your post came close to that line, gluteus. I’m not couching this as a formal warning due to the unusual form of the OP, so take this as a reminder.
That’s where my hesitation is. Let’s say that all they’ve done is played kissy-face and nothing ever happens again. Then what have I accomplished by telling the wife?
Bruce, if it’s a pub whose primary purpose is to serve alcohol - whether they serve food or not - then it is illegal for her to be in there. If it’s a restaurant, then she can be in there but most likely not sit in the bar area or at the bar itself. Since you questioned the mother as to why she’s bringing her daughter to a pub, I must assume that you know and the mother knows that she’s underage to be in there. So, tell the management. You’ll get her out of your hair and not have to either leave or appear to condone them.
And, you don’t have to quit hanging with the other people in the pub. If you’re there and they approach you, just make your excuses and move. No need to make a great big noisy fuss. Just leave. They’ll know why and nobody else will care. But doesn’t anyone else wonder why Friend and twinkie are hanging out together? Don’t they think it’s odd that he would be with this girl while his wife is on the other side of the room?
Exactly why any question she asks you should be answered with facts, not opinions. Let the wife be the one to jump to conclusions, and decide how to handle the situation. And don’t feel obligated to tell Humbert that his wife asked you questions when/if she does. That may only get you in deeper than you already are.
My read is, he posted the OP because he has a genuine moral dilemma he wants to solve. In my opinion, trying to solve the dilemma is a good thing for him to be doing. It was not one of his own making, but was forced upon him.
We all have our own opinions about what he ought to do, because it is a genuine dilemma with no simple and easy answer.
Rather than getting on our collective high horses and condemning him, we ought to recognize that Bruce wants to do the right thing, but is confused about what that might be. Not something I, for one, am willing to condemn anyone for doing.