Accusing: If he KNOWS that Mr Asshole is going out with Lolita, he’s not accusing him of anything other than, well, fact. If the wife calls him up and flat out asks if Mr Asshole’s been fooling around, I’d reccomend he say, “Well, he and Lolita have been hanging out together a lot. I don’t know if they’re boinking, making out, or just hanging out. I don’t want to make any assumptions. You ask him.” That’s not acusing him of anything.
Judging and Sentencing: That’ll be left up to the Wife, not the Friend. It’s like a lawyer bringing out evidence for the judge or jury. Okay, here are the facts, now you make the decision.
Personally, if The Cody and I didn’t have an open relationship, and he was out boinking some floozy, I’d be grateful if someone told me, instead of snickering behind my back all the time.
If OP doesn’t feel comfortable talking to the wife himself, maybe he could talk to one of Wife’s friends? “I don’t know her well enough to bring this up to her, and you know her much better than I do.”
I’m not going to make any Bastard Judgements on the OP, because I’ve never been in his situation, and frankly I’m not sure how I’d handle it. Depends on the situation.
Good luck, tho. I don’t know if there’s a way for this not to blow up in your face.
Frankly, IMHO helping someone cheat on his wife with a girl of ANY age is wrong wrong wrong, and while I don’t feel you have a responsibility to tell her, you do have a responsibility to tell him to stop. Or at least to tell the girl about that nasty rash he’s got…
This sums up the situation exactly ! Speak out and it will blow up in your face. Tired of seeing this happen.
Example: Girl cries because her boyfriend finished with her and 2 days later had a new girlfriend. Everyone sympathizes and call him an asshole. 3 months later guess who is back with the "asshole" ? Yep... she is. Who called him an asshole ? We did.
Example 2: You tell her about his infidelity. She is horrified but grateful. She breaks up the relationship and goes through some nasty times. A few months later she is back with mr. infidelity. Who do they blame for that horrid break up and fighting ? Mr. Had to Tell Her.
Couples and women especially can be notoriously fickle, you wag your tongue at your risk. When they get back you will become the culprit in their eyes Bruce. You will be the rat... the false friend... the mean gossiper.
Can I pop in and just clarify my situation a touch? Not that it makes it any better, but I never lied to the man’s wife. I lied to our boss and our coworkers when he left the office early to meet his “friend.” His wife and I were on the phone one day and she point blank asked me if I knew he was having an affair. I told her in the beginning that she knew him better than I did…what did she think? Then I confessed to her what I knew. Shortly thereafter I told both of them that I wanted out of their personal situation and that I wouldn’t communicate to either of them about it again.
Like I said earlier, he convinced her he hadn’t cheated and she eventually took him back. I don’t talk to either one of them any more and as far as I know he is still seeing the other woman.
I would never in a million years get involved in that kind of situation again. It sucked big time.
You’re forgetting, of course, the “kill the shithead who knew all this time and pretended to you that nothing was wrong” tendency. He’d damned if he does, and probably even more damned if he doesn’t.
As someone who was cheated on while apparently the “whole town” knew, it really messed with my head.
‘Cept he wasn’t “passed out in a truck”. He was “at the library studying” for which I was so proud of him.
I felt as if everyone must’ve absolutely NO respect for me to know about this and not say anything. Like I was somehow in the wrong.
And all the apologies and condolences from these scaredy-cat assholes after the fact didn’t make me feel any better. All I could do was look at them and say, “Why didn’t YOU tell me?”
Apparently everyone was waiting on him to “do the right thing”, which he eventually did after a few more months of screwing around. All I can say is that I wish I’d of known about it first so that I would’ve at least had the dignity of being the one to leave him. The pain and humiliation at being cheated on was bad enough.
I say yes you are a bastard for withholding this from her and that you need to tell her, apologize, and hope for the best. SHE needs to decide what’s right for the family right now because obviously he can’t handle even a simple decision. (“Should I stick it in here? Yeah!” WRONG!!!)
He sounds so scummy, I wouldn’t even give him a chance to end the affair without fessing up because he’s just liable to do it again and hide it from her AND you! Then where would she be?
That’s what I get for posting after only delving into page 3 :smack:
I was under the impression he was friends with both of them.
Yeah, you’re true. I’m probably just jaded and still an wee bit bitter :rolleyes:
Maybe the best thing is for you convince him to stop, RIGHT NOW.
OTOH:
If you don’t tell the wife, then when she finds out eventually, you will have done the emotional equivalent of a punch in the gut. You will have chosen him over her in a way that she will never be able to forget and maybe not forgive.
It greatly colors my perception of a guy I know that he didn’t tell me that my roommates were commenting that I was a clueless white boy who could be used. Imagine if it were my spouse.