Butterflies started making it personal in post 50, and I responded in kind. I can see how you could misinterpret the thread after that. Your escalating tone didn’t help - but no worries.
My SO was in this situation - her ex was the one who changed the locks on her. She actually had the restraining order on him. The judge basically said she had access to her stuff, she wasn’t planning on moving back, what’s the problem? I acknowledge that this could change from judge to judge or jurisdiction to jurisdiction. I have never (in this thread or elsewhere) pretended to be a lawyer but in my limited observation, judges are always sympathetic to people trying to protect themselves.
I agree with this. Yes, I know it’s hard knowing she can come and go, but legally, you don’t want to step over any lines. I’m pretty sure if you changed the locks, she’d get all ugly and legalistic on you.
Ok, so last night the ex and I sat down to discuss the division of belongings, we also discussed the issue of property rights and respect and all that.
It went surprisingly well. We divided up everything, no arguments, just peaceful negotiations on what goes to whom. I am not going to change the locks on her. I was honest and told her that the thought crossed my mind. She was a bit hurt but I explained where the fear came from and she understood.
We came to an amicable agreement about her getting things out in a timely manner. She is moving her large items this weekend and I told her I have no problem with her coming and going as she needs for the next 3 or 4 days. After that she agreed to call or text just to let me know when she would be in the house to get more stuff. I’m not asking her to do that so I can be there, we agreed that there would be no back-stabbing over belongings and I feel confident in that right now. I am keeping the dogs for the next two weeks until some electrical and plumbing work is done at her new house. (She’s renting)
After the dogs are gone I expect her to call me to see what days and times are good to get the rest of the stuff. She agreed to this and I agreed to not stand in her way to come get her things.
I think this solution is beneficial and equitable for both of us. We divided up our savings 60/40 in my favor since I will incure the greatest hardships over the next six months with the house. She has agreed to float a little cash my way over the next month or two should I have any trouble getting utilities paid and whatnot.
All in all, it’s working out very well. I feel better.
I want to thank all of you for your advice and suggestions. Your responses helped me to put things into perspective and to take a rational approach in all this. Letting go of some of the anger is a huge weight off of my back.
If you had presented the situation as a single example as you do here, that would have been fine. However, to made a broad, general statement about what judges do based on that single anecdote is simply dangerous when you’re trying to give advice to someone.
Further, as I read your anecdote, there is a nuance missing. When your SO went before the judge, it appears that she said she wasn’t planning on moving back, and as result the judge had an easy decision before him or her, and therefore just told her to get her stuff. However, I suspect the judge would have made a different ruling had your SO claimed the right to occupy a property that she partially owned, particularly if she had grounds to have a retaining order against him.
I’m really glad. I know that if something were to happen in my relationship, my partner would be fair and principled about these issues. I know it because that’s what she did in her previous relationship. I’d assume that I, also, would be reasonable, but in that scenario, I’d be the unknown quantity.
Did you get all this in writing? I ask because as you’ve stated before, this woman is a lying cheating drunk and you may have just caught her in a good moment.
I hope things work out the way you want them too, but I’m a firm believer in CYA.
I second that. I think your motto for this breakup should be “Hope for the best but plan for the worst.” It sounds like things will go just fine, but I’d still lock my grandma’s jewellery up for the meantime.
Plan for the worst, right. LaRochefoucauld said (translation mine): “We make promises according to our hopes; we keep them according to our fears.” Some believe their god is watching; others were raised to do the right thing. But then there’s that other group that would sell you for a nickel when you’re no longer in their book of important people.