Am I an Asshole??? (a little long, relationship stuff)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

She ‘wants the stepson to return’. Truly? Or because it’s the ‘right thing to do’ for him or because she doesn’t want to come between you and him. That might be a source of internal turmoil there.

Because, as a mom, I would see no reason why my child(ren) should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like wife’s other children are younger (and also vulnerable).

Or: maybe she knows it’s bullshit because everyone is aware of the stepson’s behavior, but they are harping on yours to keep the younger kids away from you if you won’t include him

I don’t envy you, you’re all in a tough spot, I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

22

I don’t think you’re an asshole.
I think you have loyalties in many areas. Both to your own kids and your step kids (both the stepson and wife’s kids), your current wife and ex-wife - of only to keep things civil.
Your wife also has loyalties - these are at least partially in conflict with yours.
Others have laid out the various lines of responsibility, **miamouse **especially.

As a mother - anyone who threatens my daughter’s well-being *must *be eliminated from our life. Completely and without remorse.
I’m lucky that I don’t have to consider anyone else’s loyalties in that.

You wife loves you and supports you, even though you are the means (indirectly) of her daughter being at risk, more than once. I honestly don’t know if I would be as reasonable in a similar situation. As hard as things are right now, remember that she loves and supports you.

I do not think you are an asshole - I think that you’re in a truly awful position and I wish you well.

23

Amazing insight – Thanks to all

S&A of “The Brood”
Ex-Wife
Boy – 14 (technically stepson, but has been morally my son for 14 years)
Boy – 10
Girl – 8
Wife
Girl – 16
Girl – 13
Boy – 10
Boy – 8

Obviously we do quite a bit of damage to the local Chinese Buffet, they know us by name and have our drink preference memorized.

The Boy (stepson) is currently in counceling, part of the friction between my Wife and I comes from the delay in getting him into therapy. She is pissed at both my ex and myself for waiting so long. (in shameless self defence I have been pushing the ex to seek a therapist and have given her numbers before, it was not until I started the post Loony Bin therapy that I found one closer than 20 miles from their house associated with my therapist’s office.)

The May incident involved my wife and I. It was an aggravated assult but I did not hit her. We were arguing and I was threatening and intimidating. In the end I broke a glass and threatened to cut her (somehow in the scuffle I sliced open my face about 2 inches, cut my arm in two places and sliced open my leg about an inch, she received a small cut on her neck (less than 1/4 of an inch, but more than should have ever happened, more than I should ever have allowed), the kitchen and all of us were covered in blood, pretty much all mine from the face wound, this freaked out the neighbors).

I had never done or been involved in anything like that before, it was spontainious and primal. This is why, after my Wife bailed me out of jail, I proceeded to check into the mental hospital.

Diggleblop – Yes, I have been living in a self help book for the last 5 months.

I have no idea how or why my Wife has chosen to forgive me. This is a good testament to the amazing power and grace of women, after such an episode there is no man that I know who would have forgiven me. After I was released from the hospital I spent two weeks living with my brother-in-law. It was a week before I would even approach the house and another week before she would let me come back in. With God as my witness I will never understand why she did not kick me to the curb then, lord knows I deserved it and would have fully understood.

Now I sit back, relax, take my medication and repeat my affirmations like a Tantric Monk chanting mantras. Through time I have learned that abusive behavior comes from a learned habit. It does not matter that I did not hit anyone. Arguing a point is normal but calling names, denying another person their opinion, denying another person the right to walk away from an unfinished argument, throwing things at walls, basically throwing a tantrum like a baby, these things are all abusive. They are the foundation of an unacceptable pattern of behavior that can escalate quickly out of control.

But I digress (apologies for my own semi-hijack)

As to various theories about my Wife’s connection with my stepson, she views him as part of the family and always has (I did mention her amazing compassion didn’t I?). I know she is torn between wanting him to be around and wanting him to never be around her daughter again. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help her resolve this inner burdon other than to try not to do anything that will make it worse. I think you have hit the nail on the head tdn, by not having the boy come back to the house I am hurting the Wife, and quite frankly the rest of the kids including the previously assulted daughter who all miss him, but it is also the right thing to do for both my wife’s daughter’s safety and for his own. It seems that to do the right thing sometimes I have to be an asshole, however unpleasant.

Currently I am still concerned about the safety of all of the children. I have completed my therapy with a lot of new insight, I am stabilized on my medication and satisfied with the results and am currently still attending the anger management (non violence) classes religiously. I have seen my wife through therapy, her daughter through therapy and am currently seeing both my stepson and my 10 year old through counceling.

Talking about this and reading the insights and critiques is very cathartic. Again, I sincerely thank you all.

BTW – last night the silent treatment continued, but she seemed edgy and agitated, it may be coming to a head tonight. It’s almost gorilla hunting season.

24

My feelings are with you too. I’m sure you have already, but saying pretty much what’s in your post to her seems to me to be the way to go.

I think you’re also right to recognise the abusive behaviour, but more so to recognise that sometimes you have to be an asshole to someone. You get to make those priorities - and as they seem from your posts to be towards your wife - make sure she knows that. From what you say, you are BOTH compassionate people. I’ve no doubt she’s trying to find what’s best for you and the children involved. There’s clearly no answer that satisfies both needs and perhaps the best approach is, as you’re doing, to acknowledge that and support each other emotionally through it.

Good luck!

25

Bring it on. But in a gentle and loving way. In my small experience, I’ve found that when a woman gives you the silent treatment, it means she really needs to talk, but she needs you to start. Strange and wonderful creatures, wimmenfolk.

It sounds to me like you’re not being an asshole at all, you’re dealing with a really complex emotional situation in a straightforward and logical way. But your wife is not living entirely in Man-logic World, she’s got some serious emotional stuff around this whole thing. I can’t say I blame her, there’s a lot going on here.

Talk to her about it. Talk with your ears.

I think you’re on the right path.

Happy hunting! :slight_smile:

26

nd_n8, it sounds as though you have a wonderful wife; I hope you have let her know how wonderful she is. In my experience, many second wives are not as supportive of their husband’s contact with children from a previous relationship/marriage.

I hope things can be resolved for the best for everyone. Keep us posted.

27

I agree with SnakesCatsLady, she sounds like a wonderful woman.

Stop using the A word. There’s nothing A about doing the right thing. Replace it with a different A word – Adult.

28

Hmmm. She doesn’t sound so wonderful to me. I have no doubt she is, but I am concerned about this silent treatment. One thing I noticed once I began to be mentally healthier (via therapy for almost 5 years) is that others around me may not be–even if they are nice, and compassionate.

It sounds to me like she has something she has to say, but either hasn’t identified it yet within herself or dreads bringing it up. Whatever it is, I hope things DO come to a head, soon. Is this the first big issue since your inpatient status? She may fear another scene like that one. (I have no idea–pure speculation). Or perhaps the daughter has told her something else or something. It could well be completely unrelated to all this, but I hope not–you’ve enough on your plate as it is.

and you’re not an asshole. You’re a guy struggling with a ton of stuff right now.

29

Her internal issue is this…

She loves you and she has accepted that loving you = loving your stepson.

She loves her daughter and knows that loving her daughter = hating your stepson

The stepson was still allowed over after he molested the daughter AND HE STILL SEXUALLY HARASSES HER!

She is hurting, man. She is hurting BIG TIME. Her little baby was compromised by this kid and he continues to be let into your house, and continues to get your positive attention. She is totally conflicted by her sense of mommy and sense of wife.

Please, someone tell me maybe I am reading this wrong and I have the complete wrong idea…?

30

I would highly recommend that neither you, your current wife, nor your ex-wife be the one to make the call(s) as to where, when, and how your step-son visits. That’s a decision that should be left up to his therapist, (and possibly her daughter’s therapist, as well), who is not only in the best position to understand the ramifications, but is also a neutral third party, so that you and your wife can absolve yourselves of the burden of such an enormous decision, and stop being angry at the ex-wife for calling the shots. Do what the professional(s) think is best, and then everyone wins.

Second, I’d also recommend either sending your wife some flowers or picking up a mushy greeting card on your way home from work tonight, reminding her how much you cherish her love and support through such difficult times. It’s not the flowers and cards on special occasions that we women love as much as the ones that really and truly are just about saying how much you love us. It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong (FTR, I don’t necessarily think either of you are), or who’s not listening properly or who’s not even speaking at all. Sometimes it’s just right to diffuse the situation and remind each other that you are partners who love and appreciate each other, even when things aren’t perfect.

Best of luck.

31

You’re right tdn, that does look better.

I think you have a very valid point about the source of her inner conflict.

32

Also, what about the fact that the stepson’s younger siblings are living in an environment with a sexually abusive older brother? That can’t be good for them…

33

Great. :cool:

Yeah, I think she nailed it.

I agree with the idea of flowers and “I love you”, followed up with “What’s on your mind?”

There’s a particular philosophy about psychology that states that there are really only two kinds of stress: Hurt and loss. Hurt causes anger, loss causes anxiety. Sometimes hurt and loss are not even real, they are just imagined. But the stress is still real.

So which one is getting to Mrs. _n8? If her mood is one of anxiety rather than anger, that might clue you in. My read on it is that she might have both. She’s losing the stepson who hurt her daughter, and thus hurt her.

For that matter, what is your stressor? Hurt or loss? In your past, you’ve had hurt, it turned into anger, and in your sad situation it turned into violence. I’m glad you don’t do that anymore. Much more constructive. But what’s going on now? Do you fear that your wife will hurt you? Or do you think you’ll lose her?

34

Yes, how are you making sure that your youngest two kids are safe? From my own personal experience I know that some sexually abusive people feel that people who are not family are fair game, but wouldn’t harm anyone who they considered a family member. So maybe your youngest are fine (physically) but do you know that for sure? Have they gotten any counseling? Even if they haven’t been touched, are they afraid of their older brother? Do they believe that he tried to hurt your stepdaughter?

This is obviously a really hard time for you and your family. I wish you all the best.

35

What is my stressor?

Right now it is loss and fear of loss.

It hurts to make a stand about my stepson, it hurts to think that this decision will affect the other two children, it hurts to consider the effect on my Wife’s four children and it kills me to see the effect on my Wife.

36

I think this is the situation here. Based on countless conversations with the younger siblings and the initial evaluation of CPS. I think CPS was involved twice after the stepson incident, they were involved again after the May incident and have been asked to get involved again since the stepson started counceling.

The 10yo boy is also starting counceling. He has been doing very poorly in school. I hope and pray that his issue is either independant of the Stepson Incident and the May Incident or that it is, at worst, related to what ever is at the core of the Stepson incident. My wife and I have discussed our opinions as to whether there could be some inner family abuse but we both are not seeing any clear signs. I will leave that issue for the councelor to determine.

37

I love giving my Wife random flowers and cards (last night it was her favorite chocolate).

Just to show her how much I do care and appreciate her.

Also to make her wonder what I’ve been up to :dubious: .

38

OK, good.

You claim that it’s loss, but then you use the word hurt three times and “kills me” once. When you say it hurts, do you mean that emotional damage is getting inside of you, as if someone is being mean to you? Or is it the pain of possible loss?

What might you lose, really? Do you think your wife will divorce you over this issue? Will your stepson run away from home? Will your stepdaughter run away and become an alcoholic prostitute?

I’m not assuming a yes or no answer on any of those things, by the way. I’m just asking you to assess the real-life risks you might be facing. Do your fears match the reality, or are your fears somehow a little bigger than what’s likely to happen?

ETA: This is in response to post #35.

39

Ahhh, do I have cognative dissonance?

The pointy eared, green blooded man in my brain - No, I understand the difference between real and imagined consequences and evaluate them each on their own plausability and merit. Panic is illogical, it is logical to differentiate between actual hurt and self imposed hurt based on speculation whether with or without warrent.

The tiny, frightened little boy who has been hiding in my heart for 39 years - Yes, these emotions are all a bit much. Contemplating the potential for loss, the potential for further damage to others and the potential for further damage to my self scares the hell out of me. Fear=Anticipation of pain (more self help stuff) and I anticipate that, whatever the outcome, some, most or all of the members involved will experience more pain.

Striking a balance between these two has been a lifelong excercise.

40

Yep, you get where I’m going with this. And keep in mind that I’m not trying to insult you when I ask if your fear matches reality. We all have that dissonance from time to time. It’s part of being human. You fear the future. I’d say that’s pretty normal.

But I’d like to remind you that you’re not Sylvia Browne. You can’t predict the future. (Come to think of it, neither can she.) You can only live in the here and now, which is the only thing you have control over anyway, so it’s all good. The pain hasn’t happened yet, and it may never. Right now what you’ve got is an opportunity to build a stronger relationship with your wife and the rest of your family.