Am I an Asshole??? (a little long, relationship stuff)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

– sigh –

Womenfolk be strange and magnificant creatures

1 full day of discussion always leading to the same conclusion and ending with my request that, as we have come to this conclusion, let’s not rehash it again

Then

1 full day of silent brooding

Finally

1 full day as if nothing had happened. Even though the conversation returned to the same topic and was once more resolved in the same way (only once though) and then on about our merry way.

Womenfolk be strange and magnificant creatures I tells ya.

42

We have to be, to cope with the menfolk!

43

Agreed

44

If your wife is constantly bringing this up and/or brooding about it, maybe she needs to see a counselor. I’m not being snarky or ugly - it just sounds like there is something unresolved that she needs to work out and talking with you isn’t doing it. I just don’t see how going over the same stuff and reaching the same conclusion over and over and over is productive.

45

Great.

And strangely unsatisisfying. So do you think it’s over? Or might you want to ask her if she’s OK with everything now?

46

I think you’re right. When we were in couples counceling it was the same. She always resigned her self to non-committal answers and open ended resolutions.

e.g. “I don’t know if I can let go of the past enough to move forward.” and “I don’t know when or if I will know”

After 4 sessions the councelor gave up and told her that if she could not come to a definate conclusion she should give some serious thought to whether or not she should continue with the relationship.

She has decided to continue with the relationship and is still trying to let go of the past but sometimes it seems she is stuck in a holding pattern.

FWIW - I don’t think that all of the issue is due to me and my previously abusive actions. I know she has been in abusive situations before and I believe she is still carrying those bags around as well.

We love each other very much and both want very much for all to work out. All I can do is offer her endless patience (which I have a lot more of these days) and acceptance.

47

No.

I am not so naieve as to think everything is OK.

But I do think it is best to give her as much space and time as she needs to sort out her feelings before I bring it all back up.

48

nd_n8, I think it’s incredible what you have done to try to make this situation better for yourself and your family. The strength you and your wife have shown throughout all of this is very admirable.

I can only tell you my initial impression of these events. If the reason your other two kids are not permitted over at your house without their older brother is because of your violence in May, then perhaps your wife is angry at you for acting in such a way so as to put her and her children in this position.

Maybe she knows that you were going through a lot of stress, and acknowledges how hard you have worked in your nonviolence classes, and truly loves you and knows you are a good man and trying to do the right thing… but underneath it all, is still angry, because your actions have led to this situation where she has to both honor your needs as a father and protect her daughter at the same time.

I know, if this had happened to my daughter, that kid wouldn’t be coming within a mile of her ever again – but I can appreciate that the situation is complicated when you love both kids with all of your heart. She has to find a way to both protect her daughter and ensure your needs as a father are being met.

I’m just saying, I would probably be righteously pissed at you but not want to make anything of it because of my knowledge of how well-meaning you are, which might result in this endless loop of talking about it, in hopes that the issue might somehow magically surface. It wouldn’t have to be a conscious thing.

I agree that there may need to be a no-holds barred argument here, as long as you’re certain you could do that without resorting to violence. There is so much that needs to be put out on the table, and no amount of endlessly calm conversation is going to fix this. I can’t imagine how this issue can be dealt with without some degree of turbulence and tension – you both have feelings, go express the hell out them!

I do want to reiterate that I think you are doing an awesome job dealing with all of this stress. But there are some issues for which a self-help style approach is utterly useless. You and your wife need to be aware of what stakes you have in this situation and how much you care about each other, the children, and your future together. Sometimes the only way to do that is to just let it all come out.