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Darkhold, you’re awesome. I’m going through some friendship problems right now and your comments are comforting.
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dsturm, welcome. I think it’s great that you’ve stood up for yourself. You sound like a nice guy, and there are a lot of women out there that don’t judge based on looks, but I’m sure you’re more than a 4, too.
Sorry I don’t really have any practical advice, everyone’s said it all.
Heart On My Sleeve Thank you very much for your kind words. It just frustrates me whenever I see someone who’s been brainwashed to think ‘no’ is a dirty word. I notice leeches use this to make a person feel like they’re being a jerk when they clearly aren’t.
You just became my new favorite poster, Darkhold.
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Some months back I had an issue with someone in such-and-such club, where I was an officer. The other person stated (over email) to several people a certain policy that clearly fell within my official duties, and was not supported either by facts or by my opinion. I needed a week to calm down enough to respond properly (that is, without unnecessary agression), and then I stood up to him and as best & firmly I could I told him not to make policy for me.
His response, I found out several months later (after I had left the club), was to tell nearly everybody else in the club that I had gone insane – when the fact was that I had gone sane. I am SO glad that I discovered this too late!
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dsturm, the only thing I can add for you is a suggestion to revive the Me thread (or start a new one), and post your photo. Let the resident Hot Dopers decide how they rate you!
Hmmm… Has anybody started such a thread in IMHO lately?
Picture thread, with links to many of the other picture threads.
Carol sounds like a jerk and you sound just a little too nice for your own good! I have been in your shoes before and it isn’t any fun. I think putting your foot down was a very good idea!
Another chick chiming in here… I’m taking issue with your self scoring system.
First, you couldn’t possibly be a “4”. Your education and vague job description bumps you up to a “6”, at least. Second, you sound like a nice, reasonable person. You get at least a 7 for that. You said that you don’t have an attractive physical appearance. I suspect you may be removing too many points for that. So I give you an “8”. I suspect you have lost points for confidence (we like that) and practice.
I know some highly educated people and they do, on occasion (certainly not always), lack some skills in some areas. Perhaps that is where you are foundering.
I have a friend who is an OB-GYN with a specialty that required more years of schooling. She worked very hard as a student and admits that as a kid she didn’t mind being grounded because she could study without looking like a geek to her friends. She says she was never a great student and had to study (she feels) more than the average person (and more than that).
This friend let her kitchen sink malfunction for nearly a year before I finally fixed it for her. She was going through ridiculous lengths to accomodate the problem such as turning off the water valves under the sink and rarely doing dishes or even eating at home because of the resulting lack of water. She knew she needed to replace a washer but was clueless about how to do it. She actually went through the trouble of having a repairman out to diagnose the problem and ordered a washer (!) through him, which she promptly misplaced. I finally convinced her it was easier and quicker to replace the whole faucet and we did it together in an afternoon. I took her to Home Depot, she picked the faucet, and we fixed it. (Note: girls fixing sinks = two trips to Home Depot always. Get used to it.)
I was so surprised the my smart, funny, has-it-all friend was so completely clueless about a simple home repair that I concluded that she must have spent so very much time achieving her education goals, that she didn’t spend alot of time on day-to-day stuff.
My point is that perhaps your loss of (in my estimation) two points may be due to lack of experience and/or lack of practice.
It is true that unattractive people (and I’m not confirming your estimate) do indeed date, marry, and have children.
I am not a classic beauty (wrong color, wrong shape, wrong height, bad skin). The men I have seriously dated, and there aren’t alot of them, have not had classic good looks, either. One was bald, short, stocky, and hairy. He also had the most wonderful laugh lines around his eyes. When you talked with him, you knew he was listening (well, usually). He took care of me in ways that were unusual (teaching me how to fix a broken faucet!, making sure my car’s oil was changed).
I remember an overheard quote about another guy I dated. A woman said “When I saw that little bitty man get out of that big, giant truck, I laughed and laughed!” He is a wonderful guy. When I think of the women who rejected him because of his physical appearance, I actually feel sorry for the women. They really missed out.
So please, reevaluate your score. Do not settle for less than what you desire in a woman- you won’t be happy with that decision. Practice. If you fall flat, learn something from it. And try again.
Damn, boy, you got some self-image issues, don’t you? Let me tell you something about a woman looking at someone and wanting them. A man doesn’t have to be classically handsome or buff to be hot, hot, hot to someone. My husband, for instance, isn’t someone who’s objectively good-looking. He’s just kind of average, really. And if he’s buff, I’m Queen Elizabeth masquerading as Dan Savage. He’s short and tubby and a little goofy-looking; he’d rate himself as a four or so, and a lot of other women probably would too. But when I look at him…mmmmm.
As for upgrading your lifestyle, would you enjoy having and doing those things? I mean, just enjoy them in and of themselves with no consideration for what they might do for your chances with women? If not, why bother?
Trust me, there’s such a thing as trying too hard. Someone who is happy with his life and being who he truly is, is far, far more attractive than someone who’s constantly striving to be who he thinks you want him to be.
And no, I don’t think you’re being a jerk. If someone thinks you’re too horrible to inflict on anyone else, they’re not really your friend.