Am I being a jerk or just insecure? (relationship stuff)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Last week, I met a guy who was just hired at work. We hit it off really well, and last Thursday, I asked if he’d want to get together sometime outside of work. He said yes, numbers were exchanged, life was good. We went bowling Tuesday night, and it went well, I think. There’s no question that he’s interested. There was much kissing. Seems good, right? But:

  1. I’m going back to school in a few weeks, which is very far away. I wasn’t thinking of this when I asked him out.
  2. I’m suddenly not sure I want a relationship with him.

I’m fairly certain a long-distance thing won’t work, because we just got together, and I at least doubt that I’ll have the time or energy to keep it going across two time zones, so I feel guilty already. Also, I can’t come up with a single good reason why, but I’m suddenly feeling…uncertain about him. I think part of it is just that I’m me (currently [and god knows I put it off long enough] being treated for fairly serious social anxiety). But there are little things which just don’t…fit very well, in my mind. He made our first date a double date with two of his friends, and didn’t tell me until we were en route.

When he dropped me off afterwards, we were cough being a young man and woman saying goodnight. I said three times that I should go inside and probably shouldn’t be sitting in a boy’s car making out in front of my house, where my father is still awake - finally he gave up on the third time. I’m more than willing to take the responsibility for that, though, because I wasn’t really forceful the first two times, so the responsibility really sits on me, not him. That leads me to think I’m being a little bit paranoid, maybe.

Other than that, I don’t know. He smokes, which is a negative, and he’s not particularly intellectual, which is a negative in my mind. On the other hand, he’s cute and funny, and actually interested in me in some way, which is practically unheard of.

So: older, wiser, more experienced dopers, what say ye to this youngsters confusion? Am I just being phobic and mildly paranoid about a good, quick fling? Or am I being a total jerk to him who can’t figure out how to say no? Break it off now? (I’m putting off calling him right now, actually.)

2

I don’t think you’re being a jerk at all. It sounds like you aren’t really interested in him even though you had a nice date. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you break it off gently I don’t see why there should be any hard feelings.

3

Yeah, I’d say you’re being paranoid, but that’s no reason to become a jerk in the future, which is what will happen if you don’t call him back and just try to drop out of sight. That’s just running away from a confrontation.

I’d give him a ring and say something to the effect of, “I had a great time on our last few dates, but I just wanted you to know that I’m leaving soon, and heading off to school, so I’m not looking for any kind of relationship. I just didn’t want to lead you on. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with you and having fun until I leave, but after that, we’re quitsville.”

You could probably say it nicer than that, but don’t be ambigious. Just be direct.

Unless you want it to be something more. But it doesn’t sound like you do. Just quick and fun. IMHO.

4

Nothing to feel guilty about. You’re not that into him. It’s not like you’ve established a relationship or anything. Going back to school actually gives you an excuse to break it off. You don’t owe him anything. He’ll get over it. Don’t string it out. The quicker you dump him, the easier it will be.

5

Since he lives near your parents… chances are you can get together for a quick fling once in a while…

So relax and enjoy… but do be honest with him. Say your living far and that long distance relationships aren’t much good. Then relax and let go… Talking and being honest should take care of things.

6

I wholly agree with the other posters here: Be upfront and honest about your situation. Explain that you have had fun but…

By showing him the respect he deserves, and provding him with relevant information, he can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to continue to see/get to know you. Much better for both of you too that way, as it allows each of you to continue to respect each other and yourselves, no matter what the eventual outcome.

7

It’s totally okay that the date was nice but uncertain. There’s supposed to be a continuum of date quality ranging from “woohoo!! Fireworks!” to “yarrrgh! he just firebombed my garage!”

This date was somewhere between those two extremes, and that’s okay.

8

And it really might help if you let him know that when you asked him out you were more focused on HIM than on an impending MOVE. Serious. Delivered well, this will make him feel good, that someone was on her heels about him for however brief a time. And it sounds like that’s the truth anyway.

9

IMHO, you’ve had a couple dates and a couple make out sessions. That’s way too early to be thinking about what will happen when you move, whether you can have a long distance relationship, whether you think you’re good long term partners…

Tell him about the move, but enjoy the dates you have with him now (if you want to keep dating him). If you’re interested in him, have fun (but be honest about what’s happening in the future with your move). You don’t have to consider him a good potential long-term boyfriend at this point. If you’re not even that interested in him, call it off. It happens. He’ll deal.