I was having lunch with my boyfriend today and I had made mention of a fantastic kind of danish I had for breakfast that morning, and the morning before. I don’t usually grab and go in the morning - but my work schedule has been changed for this week, so I’ve been doing a few things differently. Anyway, his response to my glowing review of my new found pastry:
“That’s what you have for breakfast?”
Is it just me, or was that comment a bit judgemental?
I’m on the chubby side - not massive, but enough for me to be a little defensive about it. He knows that. I felt like I had to hurry and explain the reasons for my poor choice of breakfast food - because I don’t usually eat that in the morning. Hell, I don’t usually eat anything in the morning (that’s not healthy either, but that’s not the point right now).
Anyway, what he said and the way he said it hurt my feelings. Am I being a little too sensitive?
I’d say it reeeallly depends. I mean, he could have meant it like “wow pastry for breakfast. Tres chic!” or “man, I usually have danish with dessert” or “that’s all you need to fill you up? It takes 3 bowls of cereal for me” or, maybe, “fatty fatty bo-batty,” sure.
I don’t think a buncha folks on a message board will be able to really assess the situation from some printed text with italics for emphasis. You really gotta hash this one out with the boyfriend. Unless he says this sort of thing all the time, you probably care a lot more about your weight than he does.
I don’t think I have enough information to say one way or the other. Does he usually give you shit about your weight? Is he the type to be really sarcastic? Is this really out of character for him?
I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. The comment probably sounded rude but it might not have had anything yo do with your weight. Maybe it just had to do with the unhealthiness of the danish. I think you should try to ignore it as long as it rarely happens.
The biggest problem I have with comments like that is that they give a glimpse of how the person who made the comment really thinks. I don’t always have very nice thoughts in my head either so I try to remember that when my husband makes a comment.
Do you complain about your weight to him? If so, that might be why he said it like that.
My fiance complains about his gut and then turns around and eats a bunch of crap all day. It’s hard not to feel a little :rolleyes: about it when I know he’s going to moan about his weight later.
He doesn’t have a problem with my weight. He isn’t a massive health freak, though he does watch what he eats. For the most part, so do I.
I think the comment did have more to do with the unhealthiness of the danish rather than my weight…but it still seemed like a rude comment. We’ve only been together for about 2 months, but he’s spent enough time around me to know what I generally eat.
I wouldn’t have thought much of it, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s said things like this before. Any time I mention what he says, he gets embarrassed and apologizes.
He has also made a few comparisons between me and his ex-girlfriend (the relationship ended two years ago)…one of which has related to sex. I haven’t talked to him about this yet, though I need to. That’s just not even remotely okay.
I just don’t think he thinks about things before he speaks.
I make a point not to complain much about my weight - for that reason exactly. I’ve made a few comments about my butt (mostly little jokes at my own expense), but not much else.
He sounds pretty insensitive. I wouldn’t stand for being compared to another woman. That just isn’t something I’d be willing to put up with. Two months is a short time, if he’s saying things that offend you this early in the relationship it might be a red flag.
In my opinion, when people who are generally on the thoughtful side say something that seems insensitive, it’s often because they don’t actually think of you as being in whatever group. Maybe I’m just projecting my own social conduct onto others-- if I think somebody might be insecure about something, I frantically side-step away from the topic at all cost.
I too have sometimes been offended by what seemed like a horribly insensitive comment in my presence and later realized that I should probably feel relieved because they didn’t seem to associate me with whatever trait or group.
Reminds me of that joke “Guys info for women” email that used to go around…
“If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one way makes you sad of angry… we meant the other one.”
There are more innocent than hurtful things he could have meant. Unless he’s always making sarcastic comments relating to weight, I think you have to put it down to general guy-stupidity.
I once dated a girl who thought she was overweight. I made a comment about something or other that she took the wrong way, and challenged me to “just come out and say” she was fat. I remember being completely baffled about it because she was perfect to me (at the time), and putting her down about her weight was the furthest thing from my mind. In general, we don’t think about these things as deeply as females, and that sometimes makes us look insensitive.
If you’re going to have a decent relationship with the guy you have to be open and comfortable in each other’s company though. Why didn’t you just jokingly say something like “Gah, you mean you think I’m fat?” and gauge his reaction rather than worrying about it for the rest of the day.
Remember, he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t find you attractive. Just something to rumminate on. (Sorry to state the obvious, but I really wanted to use the word “rumminate” in this post somewhere!)
Good point! Perhaps that’s what Caterpillar22’s SO was doing before meeting for lunch. That would explain the comments!
I still think he’s innocent though. It’s not like he said something like, “What?! A Danish?! With your ass?!” while blowing his cheeks out and theatrically waddling across the room.
You know deep down inside that it was a bad choice, both weight- and nutrition-wise, so your reaction to his comment was a matter of guilt. What he actually said wasn’t a big deal. The fact that your inner nutritionist knows you could have made a better choice made his comment seem more harsh than it actually was. Let it go.
It was a little insensitive, and it could have been that he was saying you were a fatso for choosing the danish (if so, what a jerk). But it could have been something less malicious behind the remark. Some people are just really picky about the kinds of things they’ll eat for breakfast, healthiness aside. For instance, I’d eat Chinese food and pizza for breakfast in a heartbeat, but a sugary danish?* Right after you just brushed your teeth? Gross-o-roo! I might say something like that, not thinking it could hurt your feelings.
*When I was in grad student, I would stop by the bakery on my way to the train station in the mornings and get a sticky bun. How I loved them! But one day, the sugar factor was a trillion and my teeth literally ached with each bite. So after that day, I stopped eating really sweet things for breakfast.
The notion that you have to be deferential to someone’s crappy eating habits ( and make no mistake, if you’re 10 lbs overweight and gobbling up Danishes that’s a crappy eating habit) only holds true if they have never complained to you about being overweight or unhealthy. If that’s the case he needs to keep his mouth shut. If you have ever complained (in his presence) about being overweight or a desire to be in better shape, he has (IMO) full leave to comment.
Beyond this, the notion that this guy is some sort of crypto-emotional abuser because he dares to casually observe the fact that a fat and sugar bomb like a Danish is potentially a questionable breakfast item for someone trying or wanting to lose weight is ludricious.
If a woman had made this sort of comment to a somewhat overweight boyfriend after he waxed ecstatic over some doughnuts he had for breakfast, the comments would be along the lines of “She’s right tubby! Get over yourself!” not some focus on the hurtful nature of the comments.
You’re somewhat overweight, and you’re rhapodising about a Danish. That’s pretty much a setup for a :rolleyes: in most situations. He may be a jerk or not in other ways, but his Danish comment is exactly the kind of thing a person who cares about you might say.
OK, if you even give him a warning on this one, you’re a very kind girl. I wouldn’t blame you for tossing his insensitive ass to the curb. Sex (at least in my experience) is such an intimate and vulnerable and sharing experience that this kind of talk is just absolutely not cool. :mad:
Perhaps that’s what Caterpillar22’s SO was doing before meeting for lunch. That would explain the comments!