I broke up a relationship yesterday after 4 months. I figured better now than waiting. For the most part we got along very well and I have to admit I usually feel very comfortable around her and I am very attracted to her. We are both the same age @70 years old. My biggest issue is I feel I am being patronized verbally while her actions I consider to be often rude and dismissive of me. She always says the right things.
A major pet peeve I have that will get my blood boiling and I have to really make an effort to shake off is a comment she often makes to my comments. We might be talking about a home or car repair or a pet issue or something about music and singers, it could literally be anything. If I happen to know something about the issue I will make a comment based on what I know. Her standard reply is " I don’t know". If I were to reverse the parties and she were to comment on something I was wondering about I would acknowledge her answer and possibly challenge it or expand on it. When it first started happening I found it only a minor irritation but as time went on it has now become a blood boiler. Anyway, I heard it one too many times and decided to pack my bags. She says I am being too sensitive and that she is really in love with me.
The other issue is sex, she goes on and on about how much I turn her on yet she always seems to manage to squeeze our sex capades into narrow time slots right before the kids get home. If she really enjoyed it as much as she says she would want to get started the minute they leave the house. I would have no problem if she said honestly we need to work on some things but all she ever says it how great it is when I know better. I don’t think I am being too sensitive.
I don’t know if you’re too sensitive or not. Telling someone “I don’t know” when they don’t know seems logical. Are you hoping that she has knowledge to share or are you hoping that she will share a new interest? Door number 1 - may I introduce the Internet. Door number 2 - perhaps you should have been really clear about that. For example, “I just learned about narrow gauge railroads. Have you heard about those? <I don’t know> I think they’re interesting. Here’s what I have learned so far.” Expecting someone to carry the conversational bar on your area of interest is both high-maintenance, and impossible for her to understand without your input.
Sex before the kids get home? How old are these kids? Can’t they watch a movie or something? Leave the door shut (or not) and get busy. She’s old enough to have sex when she wants to, and hopefully the kids are old enough to stand the shock.
You missed the point, the " I don’t know" is in response to a statement not a question. Example, I told her yesterday that her ceiling fan with lights should not have been installed with a dimmer switch unless extra wires were run to accommodate the lights only. Her response was " I don’t know", my response was well unless you think I am full of shit then you do know, her response " I don’t know" My response bight my tongue because I am ready to let go on her.
I bought tickets to a Smokey Robinson concert for next week. I made the statement that Smokey was 79 years old, Her response " I don’t know" My response, I looked it up he is 79. her response " I don’t know".
Is it possible that “I don’t know” really means “I don’t know what to say about that?” If that were the case, I might try to get her to expand on her range of responses, to make them more responsive. This would require a calm, give-and-take discussion on both parts, one where she is forbidden to use those three words by themselves. It sounds like it’s an old verbal habit that she finds hard to break, or she doesn’t realize why it upsets you so much.
The sex thing too requires a frank and honest discussion. If you feel like she can’t have such a discussion about a potentially difficult topic like sex (or the above topic, that isn’t particularly difficult), then THAT would be the reason to leave. Any relationship that has important issues to work out needs to have both parties engaged in the solution for both parties to achieve something like happiness out of it.
The “I don’t know” responses sounded patronizing, like she was doubting what you were saying, for no reason at all from the way you’ve reported it.
But as for being too easily offended, if it was enough to end the relationship then no. That’s assuming you haven’t asked yourself that question about other relationships.
It also sound like you never mentioned it until you packed. But that’s a different issue from the one you asked about.
Sometimes my husband does this with me and it is frustrating. The “I don’t know” comes across as them saying “I can’t or won’t accept what you are saying as true even though I have absolutely no reason to doubt you”. When it concerns a subject that you’re pretty knowledgeable about (and they aren’t), it is really obnoxious. I tend to defer to his judgement or expertise when the shoe is on the other foot, so I expect the same.
So I don’t think this particular complaint makes you oversensitive, and if she won’t reign this in, it’s not unreasonable to initiate break up proceedings over it.
I’m still not clear on what she means by the “I don’t know.” There’s a thing some southern women do, with a long, drawn out, sing-songey “I dooonn’t knooowww” which is intended to mean either “you’re full of crap” or “That’s a lousy idea.”
“Me and the boys are gonna polish up the bottom of that horse trough and use it to sled down breakneck hill!”
“I dooonn’t knooowww”
“I watched Chernobyl last night and it’s clear they could just have filled that tank with marmalade to stop the reaction”
“I dooonn’t knooowww”
But there’s another way it comes out that’s just “That’s over my head” It’s sort of a high to low down hill “I don’t know”
What do you think she means by it?
OR does it really matter? Aren’t you guys old enough to know when you’re not in love/compatible and just leave it at that?
I say ‘I don’t know’, all the time. It means, to me, let me think about this for a few minutes.
I will now rethink my use of the phrase.
OP, if you feel she’s being dismissive of you or your statements you should tell her that.
At 70yo. you and your Lady should not concern yourselves with kids coming in, when it’s sexy time. Lock the door, put a note on the door for them to come back later. If she’s using that to get out of intimacy you should talk to her about it.
What you have is a failure in communication, it seems to me.
OP, since you’ve already moved on this all moot. Next relationship, talk, talk, talk up front. I wish you much good luck.
The kid is 53 yrs old, I just feel more relaxed when we have the house to our self. We obviously still have the nights together when we go to bed but daytime playing around to me is a treat I really look forward to.
I have agreed to go back over and try to talk it out, I was in pretty much of a huff when I walked out the other day. What precluded me walking out I thought was extremely rude. She had to work in 2 hours. She told me to take a quick shower and get in bed and when she finished her game she would take her shower and come to bed, she said about 15 minutes. By the time she got done playing the game close to an hour had gone by and I was already pissed off and no longer in the mood as we now had a 30 minute time slot we had to fit things into. This is when I walked out.
And the "I don"t know" thing she doesn't do to everyone, she does it to her eldest son, one of her nieces and me, we are three people in her life who don't play a submissive roll.
If she does it to everyone, then I’d assume it’s a habit without much actual meaning behind it. People get into verbal habits like that, and I’d expect them to be harder to get rid of if you’re older.
That said, someone saying “you’re too sensitive” is a red flag for me. You should be able to discuss the things that bother you without the other person dismissing it. Even if this is just another verbal habit, it’s one that makes it difficult to discuss and work around issues.
Relationships often involve discussing the little things and ironing them out.
I would recommend some soul searching on your part. If the words “I don’t know” never passed her lips, would everything be perfect or do you think the reason behind why she says that would still drive you crazy. If it’s the later, time to move on.
About the sex thing - if it happened once, well that can happen to anyone. If it’s a pattern it would make me very suspicious that this is her way of getting things over with quickly without your realizing what is going on. Nothing like making sure you are going to hit a deadline in 20 minutes to ensure that it doesn’t take too long.
My ex-husband used to do this thing. If I had a meeting to get to at, say 9:00, we’d get up at 6:30 and get ready for the day. He would be neutral, going about his business. At 8:30 all of a sudden he HAD to have me so that I had to either be late for my meeting or put him off (and then endure several days of pouting because I placed work over him). It took a several of those episodes for me to figure out the pattern. Of course, when I called him on it he tried to gaslight me and said he had no idea what I was talking about. As I said, ex-husband.
I am about 97.5% sure this is the case. Not a clear pattern of this yet but it does seem to happen kind of frequently. The gas lighting on virtually anything that might come up is to the point I won’t bother to bring anything up anymore, we haven’t had an issue yet that couldn’t have been worked through in 10 minutes or less but each time it happens I end up angry and carrying some resentments that seem to be snowballing to some degree.
No one can do more than guess without being there in person, but here is my guess: there is a thing that some people do, where they turn everything they say into a request for validation, and maybe she thinks you are doing this. One person like this I know, cannot share any experience without ending it with “right?” They cannot enjoy a movie unless when they periodically turn their head to check on you, you are sharing the same emotional reaction. It may be that she isn’t trying to say you are wrong, but that she is uncomfortable either with your need for external validation, or possibly with the emotional weight you add to what should be trivial things.
Wait, what? How do 70 year old people have to worry about kids coming home? Aren’t her kids about 40+? Or maybe grandkids are involved?
I can almost understand. I am 60, my boyfriend is 65, and our sex life is, shall we say, about a gazillion times more inventive and satisfying than I as a smug 20-year-old could have imagined old people experiencing. His 22-year-old daughter and her boyfriend live in his house, which is sometimes a bit restrictive. But we work around it. Interested to hear more and share experiences if you want to.
I think the problem may be a lack of common interest. I, for one, would’ve been interested in your ceiling fan comment and I probably would’ve mentioned that there may be wireless components that allow for separate light / fan control and we would’ve had a conversation about it. But I’m interested in pretty much all things mechanical. Your situation reminds me of interactions I’ve had with my mother.
I sometimes try to start conversations about technical / mechanical subjects. My mother has absolutely no interest in such things and no interest in attempting to appear interested. In her case, the “I dont know” translates to “this bores me, change the subject”. I remember being on vacation once and noticing some of their security/ surveillance measures. I mentioned them to my Mom, posing some sort of question ( “do you think there is a monitor room behind that mirror?”) and her response was to point out a vase on a table and say “Aren’t those flowers pretty?”
What I’m hearing with that “I don’t know” is “I don’t care what you are saying, and in fact, why are you talking to me, leave me alone and let me play my game.” If it was only sometimes, or when you interrupted her spending some alone time with her phone, then I don’t think it would be a big deal. If it’s all the time, in response to anything, particular if she is talking at you, but not letting you participate in the conversation, then yeah, she doesn’t have much respect for you.
Your only four months into this thing? Just get out, it isn’t going to get any better. If it had been years, then maybe there is something worth working on or saving. She sounds incredibly tedious and difficult. Or rather, you can stick around if the fun times make all the other times worth it to you, but don’t get too invested.
I guess that would be my take after a while. That “I don’t know” really means “I don’t care”. Which would kill any and all joy I had in the relationship if it kept happening on a daily basis.
To answer your subject question, yes you are and acting like a schoolboy especially regarding sex. Just because you like a little afternoon delight doesn’t mean that she does. Particularly so since she tries to limit the time spent.
This may be because as women get older they don’t get/stay as moist as they used to. I’ve had women in their fifties tell me that as they’ve gotten older, having sex hurts*, but they don’t want to tell her husband/boyfriend because they’ll think they (the woman) isn’t turned on by them any more.
*For some reason, women of all ages love to give me TMI!
Maybe she’s tedious, and maybe you’re too sensitive. Who cares which? At our age, we don’t have all the time in the world. If you’re wondering this much, do both of you a favor and bail.
