Am I being an intolerant A-hole?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s the deal: I have a very good friend I met in undergrad and we’ve essentially been besties for 8 years. Well, all that time he was lying to me. He came out of the closet about 18 months ago. Prior to that he had been a virgin who never even dated. I was actually happy he finally decided to live a more genuine life. I was a little hurt, though, that he felt like he had to hide that from me for so long. I had always been an ally. It wouldn’t have made a difference to me…or so I thought. Anyhow, he had to lie to back up lie after lie to keep it hidden. Still, I figured that I’d never know what that’s like, so I gave him a clean slate with me, figuring I was ill equipped to pass judgement on the matter.

The problem: He has become a total whore (figuratively). He has basically alienated all of his friends and traded them in for a group of people that only hang out with him because they want to have relations with him. I am one of two non-gay friends that he has left, and I don’t know how much longer I can hang on.

He has become a completely different person. He was sweet, slightly introverted, kind of awkward, generically asexual, and just an all-around nice guy. Now he’s snarky, sarcastic, rude, hypersexual, and thinks that I’m repressed because I’m in a committed monogamous relationship.

I definitely don’t think he respects me as a person. I sort of get the impression that I’m now a second class member of his circle because I’m not a potential sex partner. I really hope I’m wrong, but that’s definitely the impression I get when we interact.

Here’s a good example of how funked this situation has become:

He has a roommate that tried to seduce my boyfriend via email. My boyfriend doesn’t swing that way, and he showed me the emails this roommate guy had sent. They were pretty raunchy. They also said, “What ***** doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” I told my friend and he said that I just didn’t understand. I was blowing things out of proportion. He didn’t apologize. He actually sided with his roommate. He’s only known the guy 9 months! No one is arguing that he didn’t try to bag my BF. It’s just that my friend and his cronies don’t see anything wrong with that. One of them even tried to explain that they thought they’d be able to offer him something different that I couldn’t provide, so I shouldn’t take it so personally. WTF?!

I have other gay friends and they’ve NEVER done this kind of crap to me.

Now I am beginning to think that either I’m completely clueless about gay culture, or that this friend has duped me hardcore. I don’t know if he’s changed for the worse, or if this was what was underneath the surface to begin all along. I really care for the person. He’s like, or was like, family. Am I just missing something about the culture? Am I over reacting? Am I the A-hole, or is he?

2

He’s definitely the arsehole, not you. That said, he’s had a life changing experience and it’s somewhat understandable that he’s going too far with the things that make him happy.

Ultimately, though, any worthwhile relationship, whether friends, family, or lovers, has to work for both people. It sounds like this friendship isn’t working for either of you at present, so my advice would be to withdraw from it. I’d leave the door open to resume it if he changes his ways, which I think is quite likely.

3

As you’ve presented it, it sounds like your friend is being a capital C cunt. It’s hard from an outsider perspective to see if he’s just finally living how he’s always felt inside, or acting out trying to fit in with a new crowd of people, but he’s definitely not respecting you as a friend.

It sounds like he’s got an impression of how he “should” act as a gay man, and he’s trying to live up to that, possibly to make up for years of repression. It doesn’t sound like you’re being an asshole at all, especially if he and his new friends are disrespecting your relationship either to your face or behind your back.

I can’t really give you an answer, because any attempt to cut off contact may unfortunately be spun by him as you being a homophobe and unable to cope with him “being real”. But it may be the best answer, if he and his friends are trying actively to impact on your relationship.

4

Couldn’t have said it better myself.
However, I wouldn’t advise burning any bridges, as a long time in the future, he may return to being that nice person you once knew.
Besides, we have few real friends in life, and it would be a shame to dump someone over what may be a temporary situation.

5

My guess is that after years of being in the closet and finally realizing that people really don’t care that he’s gay he’s swung really far in the other direction. I’d give him some time and space to see if he comes back to the middle a bit.
Back off, leave him alone and if in a year or so he’s still acting like every straight guy is an asshole for not wanting to have sex with him, maybe you’ve lost him.

Also, if he’s suddenly lost his inhibitions (like asking your straight boyfriend to have sex with him) and has a ton of energy, I’d wonder if he’s started doing cocaine.

6

Have you tried talking to him about this? As in, ‘‘You’re beginning to behave like another person’’ or something along those lines?

Sometimes when people come out of the closet (or really make any major life change) they go crazy for a while. It could be he just thinks that’s what it means to be a gay man. Eventually he will realize he can be himself and also gay, but that’s a realization he will make on his own and frankly I don’t think you should torture yourself waiting around for him to change.

7

This seems to be about (extreme) promiscuity rather than about homosexuality. Until that ceases to be the main item on his life’s agenda, I don’t see much (or any) basis for you two to relate as friends.

That he went for 6+ years without being able to trust you with the truth does not strike me as a good sign. It raises the question of whether you developed a friendship with the real him or with an invented safe persona

I’d be backing away unless and until someone I actually enjoyed being friends with re-emerged.

8

Step back.

That’s all there is to it really, it’s not that hard. If you’re really his friend you should be able to get over his having not shared with you until he was ready. If you’re a good friend you should be able to give him some room and some time to settle down a tad.

Be prepared that he may not notice or care that you have taken a big step back from him. Initially anyway.

I don’t see that you have any other choice to be honest. Stop trying to make sense of his behaviour, stop being invested at all. He may, unknowingly, just be testing his friends in some strange way. Give him the distance that his behaviour causing, and wait and see. That’s what I’d do!

9

That’s exactly what I’ve been worried about. I do think that there has to be a core of decency. He used to be really sweet. He’s the guy who watched my guinea pigs while I went to grad school interviews out of state. He still spontaneously invites me over for homemade Indian food, but the episode with hiss roommate has basically assured that I won’t be going back over there. The trick is figuring out where the facade ends and the person begins. So far, that has been virtually impossible.

10

That is what I’m going to end up doing. Luckily, it’ll be easy. I am moving out of state for grad school in two months. Emotional distance will be much more difficult, but the geographic shift should help ease it a bit.

In the meantime, I will continue to distance myself emotionally. His other remaining straight friend and I have discussed needing to back away to let him “discover himself.” This entire situation is such a bummer.

11

Yes, and the conversation doesn’t get very far. I can’t get beyond an intro to the subject. He has always been a bit immature and is incapable of understanding any kind of criticism. The moment I even insinuate he might be behaving inappropriately (about anything) he shuts down, gets very sullen, and pouts and/or leaves. That was even the case when he was being Good Guy Greg. So much for the adult approach.

12

I hear you. I actually had my gay best friend completely pull away from me when we started college (even though we lived in the same building.) He became very hostile toward me, refused to talk about it, and I still don’t completely understand what happened. It ripped my heart out and I spent a lot of time second-guessing myself and wondering what I could have done differently. But that was over ten years ago and I’ve learned to just accept that what’s done is done and move along. Whatever happened, I would never treat a friend like he treated me, which means it probably wasn’t that great a loss anyway. It takes time though. Maybe what you are seeing really is his true colors shining through. It’s hard to know, but time will tell.

13

I’m going to disagree. Yes, you sound like a bit of an asshole.

Basically, you had your little bumbling, undemanding, asexual chore puppy following you around, letting you feel the hero for being a friend to such a washup. That changed, and you’re upset. But was he really your friend, or just your favorite doormat?

And tell me again why his coming out process was all about you and what you were owed?

Because I see a lot about how he was a nice guy for all the things he did for you. And now he’s not a nice guy because he likes sex and became sarcastic. And didn’t fall over backwards apologizing because some friend of his sent a raunchy email to your boyfriend. Unless he encouraged the guy, he has no need to apologize for the actions of an acquaintence. Seriously! Get over yourself.

14

It’s also entirely possible that you now represent the fraud he was, for so very long. It may always be so. I’m sorry you could lose a friend but pleased to know you’re leaving town. Whatever is going on will be easier - for you both.

Good Luck!

15

This is typical (almost stereotypical) behavior for gay men who come out of the closet to be hypersexualized for several years. He’s behaving poorly and in this world view any man is fair game if he (or others) find him attractive. This is obviously not the context of a heterosexual female with a boyfriend.

He will continue to behave poorly as long as he is in this newly out of the closet male slut mode and it may last for quite some time. He’s not likely to change unless your friendship is more compelling than sex and don’t think you should put your chips on that bet.

I am curious re

“Prior to that he had been a virgin who never even dated” in a grown man is a pretty solid indicator of closeted gay man the majority of the time. You really had no clue?

16

The guy’s being a dipshit. But he might get over it. Maybe someday he’ll apologize and attempt to explain. I imagine he’s trying to burn all the bridges that connect him to his past life, understandable to some degree, but usually a bad idea. I’ve lost a friend to an MLM scheme, another to a cult, another to just a job, another to alcohol, another to drugs. Sometimes people undergo radical life changes, and sometimes the new person isn’t the one that you were friends with. Just happens sometimes.

17

I don’t think you’re being an a-hole, Cady, and regardless of his situation, your friend is. My advice to you would be “boundaries.” A friend who thinks nothing of his roommate hitting on your boyfriend is not much of a friend at this point. You have the right to think his behaviour stinks if it does, and you have the right to call him on it. After that, you need to make decisions about how much of it you are willing to put up with.

18

Friends change. We change. Friends become assholes. We don’t like the people we used to be friends with sometimes. The past is not the future. Sometimes we misjudge people. Other times we outgrow our friends. Still other times, they outgrow us.

19

Agree. He basically sounds like he’s become drunk on his newfound freedom. The pendulum of his everyday life used to be way too far on the “in the closet” side, that now he’s swung way too far in the opposite direction. It seems likely that he needs time to calm down and realize that he doesn’t need to do this to “make up for lost time,” and that simply being happy is more important. He’s still kind of stuck in the headspace of “this is what I’m supposed to be like” and hasn’t figured out 1> that there is no “supposed to be” and 2> how to just be his own damn self without regard to anyone else’s perceptions or expectations of him.

He’s still trying to define himself by external expectations (or what he thinks are those expectations) rather than by his own internal truth. He’s basically had no practice in finding and living his internal truth at all, his entire life. He can learn it, he just hasn’t yet and doesn’t currently know how.

That said, it’s possible that he decides he likes being a selfish, catty man-whore, or that he never figures out how to listen to his own internal truth. There’s no way to know for sure how it will ultimately play out. But, give him distance (as much for yourself as for him), give him time, and don’t actively burn bridges, just be “really busy” more and more often. If he comes around, he’ll know where to find you. In the meantime, you are both not really good for each other.

I do think it would be fair for you to say to him “please respect me by respecting my relationship,” but say it once and drop it. He may not be ready to hear you, yet, and an argument stands a good chance of burning that bridge. Don’t let him draw you into one. Just become “really busy,” as I said.

20

Kinda ruins the whole ‘gay men are nice’ image doesn’t it?
I once knew a gay man that said the only reason he didn’t come out, was because every gay person he knew was a manipulative and deceitful douche bag, and he feared becoming just like them.

Really makes you want to back to the old days where gay people kept it to themselves.