OK heres the deal; I have a recently new girlfriend of about three months I would say. I can’t say that we are truely in love because I feel (as does she) that its too soon to really make that call yet. We more or less decided to be bf/gf under the premise that as long as we’re having sex with each other we’re not gonna be doing it with anybody else. Now don’t get me wrong this could easily become something much more serious; we are just taking things at a very slow pace for reasons I won’t go into right now.
Anyway back to my question; So we’re having dinner last Wed-night and over the course of conversation I ask her if she wants to go out Fri.
This is pretty much the conversation that took place:
ME: “so you wanna go out friday?”
Her: “Nope I have plans”
ME: “really whatcha gonna be doin’?”
her: “nothing, I’m just gonna be busy”
Uh, what? Now if this was a one time occurance I wouldn’t give it a second thought. But its happened on more than one occasion. Furthermore My GF knows I not the jealous type so she wouldn’t be affraid to tell me she’s going on a girls night out.Heck she knows I wouldn’t care if she told me she was going with her girlfriends to the hip-hop club to dance with “cute” guys. Why? because I always trust the girl I’m with completely untill she gives me a reason not to.
So what I’m wondering is; Am I just in being concerned about this? Or am I just being anal?
And yes I know I’m going to have to how I feel about this. I just not sure how I should broach it. (if at all)
I think vague answers like that are something to be concerned about. I personally only use that approach when I don’t want someone to know what I’m really doing (use it almost exclusively on my ex-husband!) Otherwise, how hard is it to say “I told my friend Carol I’d help her prepare the workbooks for Vacation Bible School” or “I promised my mom I’d finally clean out the closet in my old room”.
Worry, but don’t obsess. And don’t let go of your heart yet, either.
Her response might be cause for some concern, but it might be that you’d be worrying over nothing, which might cause things to explode if and when there really is something to worry about. I’d say take what she says at face value. If she wants to do something else on Friday night, fine - let her. If this becomes a pattern, then you know something’s awry. One time isn’t enough to get worried about.
Dating for a couple weeks? I wouldn’t worry about it. Dating for three months? I’d definitely be a little concerned about this. Three months in, you’re sleeping together, you deserve a little more detail than “I’m busy that night.”
makes me think that either one or both of you are making a consious effort to keep the relatoinship from developing into something serious, at least right at the momment. If a casual relationship is what you want right now, then her response was appropriate. Not having to explain what you are doing is what casual means,
I think the real problem here is that the two of you are attempting to do something impossible: you are laboring under the delusion that you can just decide to “take it slow” and that there will be no problems with that. The fact is that relationships have a natural pattern: it varies from relationship to relationship, and depends on circumstances. Sometimes relationships plataeu at various levels of “seriousness.” However, neither the pace of a relationship nor the plateau point can de determined by simplly willing it so. Keeping a relationship casual and healthy involves a lot more work and consious effort than letting it develop.
Emotions come from what we do, not from what we say. If you spend lots of time together and act like a “serious” couple, all those “couple” emotions will start to develop, and will make you start wondering what someone is doing if they don’t want to be with you, and make you start feeling like you have a right to know what they are doing and that it is in fact weird that they don’t voluntreer that information.
If youreally want to keep this relationship casual, then you are going to have to carefully start acting like you are in a casual relationship: it will take deliberate thought, but eventually your emotions will follow your actions are you will start feeling casual again: you are’t feeling casual now. Look at all the things you do differently now than you did two months ago: if you want the relationship to stay casual, you need to stop spending the night together (just sex-n-go), go back to whatever payment-for-meals system you used on your first few dates, quit treating her fridge like it is your own, make sure she always knocks on your door before entering, and don’t ask her what she is doing when she dose’t volunteer that information, etc., etc.
And if the idea of going back to all that dosen’t appeal, then you don’t really want to take it slow any more, and the two of you need to have a talk about that.
makes me think that either one or both of you are making a consious effort to keep the relatoinship from developing into something serious, at least right at the momment. If a casual relationship is what you want right now, then her response was appropriate. Not having to explain what you are doing is what casual means,
I think the real problem here is that the two of you are attempting to do something impossible: you are laboring under the delusion that you can just decide to “take it slow” and that there will be no problems with that. The fact is that relationships have a natural pattern: it varies from relationship to relationship, and depends on circumstances. Sometimes relationships plataeu at various levels of “seriousness.” However, neither the pace of a relationship nor the plateau point can de determined by simplly willing it so. Keeping a relationship casual and healthy involves a lot more work and consious effort than letting it develop.
Emotions come from what we do, not from what we say. If you spend lots of time together and act like a “serious” couple, all those “couple” emotions will start to develop, and will make you start wondering what someone is doing if they don’t want to be with you, and make you start feeling like you have a right to know what they are doing and that it is in fact weird that they don’t voluntreer that information.
If youreally want to keep this relationship casual, then you are going to have to carefully start acting like you are in a casual relationship: it will take deliberate thought, but eventually your emotions will follow your actions are you will start feeling casual again: you are’t feeling casual now. Look at all the things you do differently now than you did two months ago: if you want the relationship to stay casual, you need to stop spending the night together (just sex-n-go), go back to whatever payment-for-meals system you used on your first few dates, quit treating her fridge like it is your own, make sure she always knocks on your door before entering, and don’t ask her what she is doing when she dose’t volunteer that information, etc., etc.
And if the idea of going back to all that dosen’t appeal, then you don’t really want to take it slow any more, and the two of you need to have a talk about that.
I think it’s possible WV_Woman is right, and she’s just planning on sitting around the house, or doing some other solitary crap. I know I have had trouble in the past trying to get Mrs. RickJay to understand that sometimes I just want to sit alone at home and do nothing. Saying “I was just planning on staying home” seems to be interpreted by a lot of people as “I am free and can do something with you.” Sometimes it’s just easier to say “I have plans” than to say “I want to be alone and do nothing in particular.”
What do you mean, Urban? Does he have sex with everyone he has a casual relationship with? I doubt it’s possible, but it would be fun to try. Or, is everyone he has sex with in a casual relationship?
Anyway, I would agree with Athena. Not time to panic, or anything, but I would be concerned.
Is it possible that perhaps you two are not on the same page and she actually wants something more? I bring it up because one of the oldest “tricks”
(hate the word; hate the word even more in connection with a relationship, but…)
in the book is playing the coy “I’m busy” card to really make him think!!
I dunno. Maybe something to think about. Personally, I have known my share of people (both men and women) that thought they were on the same page w/someone as far as realities and expectations but were not.
This last sentence seems sort of inconsistent. If you trust her, what are you worried about? Do you think she has a date with someone and doesn’t want to tell you about it? Or do you think she’s doing something completely normal (sitting at home, going out with friends) and it bugs you that she would be needlessly secretive? Either way, it sounds like you have different ideas about how much space you should have, and should probably have a talk about the relationship.
To get an answer like that after three months together with a tacit understanding of physical exclusivity is somewhat abrupt and would make me think that either:
1: She feels a bit smothered and wants to reclaim some privacy,
2: She is re-thinking the parameters of your relationship
3: She has a rendevous that she thinks is none of your concern.
I don’t buy the “home alone” scenario as it would be a lot less rude to tell you she just wants some “me” time rather than the somewhat snotty “just busy”.
Women are generally highly sensitive to relationship cues. She’s giving you a message and that message is “it’s none of your business” and “back off”. Only you can determine if that is a viable attitude in your relationship. Look at the overall picture. Does she have her period and is feeling crabby and non-social? Are you too possessive? Are you being clingy? Does she have any me time? Being a couple all the time can be tiring and boyfriends who are too attentive can be tiresome.
Ask her if she needs some space. She’ll respect your honesty and you will likely get a straight answer.
OK I think I may have came across wrong in my original thread. I would not consider this a casual relationship at all. The only reasons why I wont say I love her is #1: Sometimes when a relationship is new; you get this euphoric feeling in your head that causes you to think your in love. Then once that euphoric feeling wears off and you start concentrating on who this person really is; you find out your not really suited for eachother for whatever reasons. And reason #2 is: Well, love is a strong word and I’m basicaly scared of it. [shrugs shoulders]
But yeah as the story goes right now; I’m completely into this girl and I think she feels the same about me.
BTW, Manda JO That was a very insightful post. Thanks that helps alot.
And Giraffe Its the needlessly secretive, is part that bugs me.
Or, is everyone he has sex with in a casual relationship?