I went to high school with this girl named Andrea. We weren’t really friends. In fact, I couldn’t stand her. I thought she was a loud, obnoxious drama queen, with a really annoying laugh. Normally I can handle stuff like that, but then she slept with the boy I was in love with, while full-well knowing that I was in love with him, and she had no intention to date him, just to fool around with him, and she always kinda teased me about it afterwards, sort of rubbing it in my face that she had him and I didn’t. So I really started to intensely dislike her then, and continued to do so for the next year. I complained about her constantly to my friends, making myself feel better by saying that she was the reason Jeremy didn’t love me, even though I knew it wasn’t true. But I liked having an excuse.
Last weekend, a friend of mine was drunk and ran into her at a party where my name came up, and my wonderful friend commented something like, “Oh, yah–and Kristen hates you.”
(by the way, I graduated from high school two years ago. I haven’t actually had a conversation with this girl in over a year. As much as I hated her in high school, I don’t even think about her anymore now. We’re sorta in the same social group, because my hometown’s so small, and I see her regularly, at the Waffle House and such, and we’re polite to each other, but she’s not a major part of my life).
And apparently, she thinks about me. Ever since my friend made that comment to her, Andrea has been seeking my approval. Everyone I still know in this town has told me that she’s been asking around for my phone number, and then asking why I don’t like her.
Anyway, I got a message on my answering machine today that says, basically, “Kristen, it’s Andrea. I’m just wondering what you’re up to. I’d really appreciate it if you’d give me a call and we could go out sometime. I really want to talk to you” and then there’s a pause before she says “And I always thought you deserved Jeremy more than I did.”
Personally, I think this is weird and I don’t want to see her. I have nothing to say to her, and I sort of left the entire Andrea/Jeremy thing behind me, I thought, and I don’t like talking about it now.
But apparently, it would make her feel better if we got together. But it would also be awkward and strange. But maybe she deserves an answer from me, even thought I can’t pinpoint one thing she did to make me dislike her.
Should I do it? I really don’t know. It appears to mean a lot to her, but I don’t know what to say. I’d love some advice here. Please?
It’s up to you.
Part of my wants to tell you to forget you ever got the message, and just avoid and ignore this girl. Who needs the bullshit? Why waste your time?
But on the other hand, if you live in a small town, and you know you’re eventually going to run into her, might as well get it over with. Sooner or later she’s going to corner you, and want to have a “talk” with you. And who knows, maybe she’s matured, and feels guilty for what she’s done. Maybe whe honestly wants your forgiveness. And if that’s the case, maybe you can meet with her briefly, tell her it’s all in the past, and just leave it at that. And then NEVER have to deal with it, or think about it again!
I just don’t know what kind of girl she is, though. If she seems like a pest who will NEVER let it go, just try to avoid her as much as possible.
Sounds like a jerk to me. If you have no desire to associate with this person, then don’t–you don’t owe her anything.
I’d say ignore it - don’t call, don’t set up a meeting. Sounds to me like you’ve moved on - why let her pull you back? You don’t owe her anything.
If you run into her, be polite and talk about the weather.
Hell with it… blow her off. Unless for some reason you want to make friends with her now, blow her off.
Instead of advice, I offer a ramble. Make of it what you will.
Adolescence in particular is a great time for, among other things, doing exceptionally stupidly hurtful things to people out of lack of (or more usually, lapses of) empathy. Not to say it’s confined to that period of life, but it certainly does spike there.
Part of maturing is growing past that, and coming to peace with things that were done. Some people do this by slowly and surely reshaping their memories so that their interior narratives shift them away from being at cause to being at effect for suffering they’ve a part in, thus absolving responsibility. Other people, for whatever reason–and it may simply be that some brains aren’t as good as fluidly changing memories as others, or may be more philosophical that some people are simply better at heart than others–don’t do this. And that’s a hard thing to bear, sometimes. It sounds like she may be wrestling with just this.
Her wrestling with such things isn’t your responsibility–it’s an interior wrestle everyone handles, ultimately, alone. Your choices here are open, and should depend on how you feel about them.
One of my favorite Zen tales: Two monks are wandering about in the countryside, and come to the banks of a river. There’s a trail of stepping stones across, but on their side stands a woman who is afraid to cross. She can’t swim and is afraid of falling into the current, or doesn’t want to get her robes ruined, or somesuch–frankly, I forget. The younger monk is profoundly uncomfortable and would like to just pass on without a word, because part of the rules of their particular order is to avoid contact with women. He’s therefore shocked when the elder monk offers to help, she agrees, he picks her up and carries her easily across the river, sets her down on the other side, and the monks are on their way.
This just eats at the younger monk. The fellow can’t get it out of his head, and as they’re sitting around a small campfire having dinner, he finally bursts out–how could you do that, the rules of our order forbid, yadda yadda. The older monk just looks at him calmly, and responds, “I put that woman down miles ago. Why are you still carrying her?”
Hey kids–thanks for the advice; you just reaffirmed what I was planning on doing, ignoring the entire situation, but because of the one degree of separation curse of my hometown, I ran into Andrea last night. And course she said she needed to talk. I was polite, and basically said that I’ve moved on, and I’d rather not talk about something that happened two years ago, especially since I don’t think about it anymore. She clearly wasn’t satisfied with my response, but hey–I’ve washed my hands of it.
I think things ended as they should.
You talked to her, if that wasn’t enough, that’s too bad.
I do believe that people can grow up and change. And sometimes when they do, they need to go back and apologize to the people they’ve wronged in their past. Which is a good thing. I don’t know if this is the story with this girl, but if it was, she’s made her gesture. Obviously you don’t hate her, she should be able to rest. She approached you, she made the effort, she should be able to tell herself that she tried. And that should be the end of it for her.
On the other hand, if she just wants to rehash the past, and drag you back there with her, hell with her. You’ve given her plenty of your time already, you owe her nothing more.
I hope that works. I grew up in a small town, and I tend to think that she will corner you sometime about this. It’s much easier to avoid someone when you’re not going to run into them every other day. If she’s determined to talk to you, then get it over with. It doesn’t have to be a tearful heart to heart that ends with hugging and forgiveness all around, which she probably wants, but enough to make her leave you alone.
I’m probably a little on the paranoid side, and I do not have too many people skills, so make of this what you will:
Given: You and her live in the same small town and run in many of the same circles.
Therefore: You and her will meet, at least briefly, often.
Given: She has not given up on this, and shows no signs of doing so.
Therefore: You cannot speed the process without expending more energy than would be reasonable.
Given: She is not threatening.
Therefore: This is not a dangerous situation.
Conclusion: Stay the course. Brief, polite conversations restating your position on the matter will show her you will not give her the satisfaction of seeing you playing along, if she is playing, will not provoke her, if she is nuts, and will show her she did no damage, if she is concerned.