Woman realizes she's in love with platonic best male friend. Fess up?

Another Skaldthetical, naturally, once again brought you by the Coalition to Write This While Waiting for Lunch to Arrive. Let’s sAee if I can do it.

Today’s story stars Andrea, an ostensibly lesbian woman of about 30. I write “ostensibly” lesbian because, while Andrea hasn’t touched a cock since college, she’s not opposed to it on a visceral level. She calls herself lesbian rather than bi partly because of politics, partly because it’s less likely to get her unwelcome attention from jerkwads, and partly just to be ornery–not because there’s no man on the planet who can get her motor running. Not that it’s often an issue: Andrea is decidedly ordinary looking and rarely garners masculine attention.

Which brings us to Andrea’s next-door neighbor and best friend, Alexander. Alexander is about the same age as Andrea and made of hotness, reliably attracting amorous attention wherever he goes. By all accounts, Alexander is exclusively gay (though in fact Andrea has never actually asked him if he has any appreciation for the female form) and quite … studly, shall we say. Certainly he’s extremely confident; men and women both flock to him, and he never blinks at approaching a man he’s interested in. But Alexander also clearly loves Andrea. He once beat the crap out of a guy who got handsy with her at a party and refused to back off; when Andrea had to be rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy, it was Alexander who ran red lights getting her there, and when she woke up from surgery, he was sitting beside her bed in rumpled clothing, holding her hands; he’d stayed up all night out of worry, and his eyes were wet from crying. (She’s done similar things for him, incidentally, though nothing quite so dramatic.)

Being best friends and neighbors, Andrea and Alexander spend a great deal of time together, and both being officially uninterested in the other one’s naughty bits, they’re fairly casual about clothes and nudity around one another. So when Alexander dropped by one recent Friday night to talk, Andrea, fresh out of the shower, didn’t bother getting dressed beyond throwing on a robe. They sat in her living room at opposite ends of the sofa, and for no particular reason reason she placed her bare feet on his lap as he told her why he was there. He’d recently gotten not one but two job offers: one a promotion with his current company, the other a somewhat higher paying gig in a city thousands of miles away. He was torn about which to take?

“Why?” Andrea asked. “Sounds like the Toronto gig is a no-brainer: more money, more responsiblity, more of all the things you want. And you hate Memphis.”

“Not completely,” Alexander replied, absent-mindedly rubbing her ankle as he spoke. “Not everything about it. I have friends here, you know.”

“You’ll make friends anywhere you go,” Andrea said. “And you’ll get laid just as often.”

“Maybe. And maybe I’m just being stupid. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just afraid of leaving home. Maybe it’s something I can’t articulate. I don’t know.”

“Well, I know. I’m gonna give you the same advice my best friend from high school gave me when I left New Orleans. It is time to leave nest. Go west, young man!”

Alexander stopped rubbing her ankle. He looked at her, nodded, and said, “You’re probably right. I don’t have to decide till Monday morning. Anyway, I’m off to the Pumping Station. Wanna come with?”

“People at the Pumping Station generally want partners with plumbing I lack,” Andrea said.

“Generally, yes. See you at brunch Sunday!”

With that he left. Andrea got up to go to bed. But Morpheus did not join her. She couldn’t forget Alex’s smell, or the feeling of hishand stroking her ankle. Suddenly the notion of Alex being any further away than the apartment next door was terrifying. In fact she wanted him a lot closer–in the space Morpheus was refusing to occupying, in fact. She was in love.

That realization was Friday night. It is now Sunday noon, and Andrea is sitting at her usual table at Brother Juniper’s, where she and Alexander always have brunch on Sundays. She just saw his car pull up outside. When he takes his seat, what should she say to him?

No poll today. The burgers are here.

If I were her, I’d tell him that it would be better for him to move, but that if he does, I would miss him terribly, so it would be better for me if he stays; and that I love him - and whatever he decides, that will not change; and ultimately he has to do what is in his interests as he sees them.

I would not come out and say ‘I just realized I want you as a lover’. Although that is true in the scenario given, it would sound manipulative comming hard upon his decision to make - even assuming he’s interested in that. Also, for someone like Alexander, for whom I assume obtaining sex is not a really big deal, the emotional attachment - someone for whom one is willing to fight, to stay up all night worrying with, etc. (and vice versa) - is likely to be far more significant anyway. A confident and good-looking guy ‘made of hotness’ could get sex wherever; getting a friend worth that level of concern is far more difficult, rare, and a relationship worth taking some trouble preserving.

The difficulty is whether it would really be in my best interests to have Alex right next door - it is likely to be a relationship fraught with frustration for Andrea. Nonetheless, I would not want to break that desire to Alex until Alex has made a decision to stay, out of concern that doing so would appear manipulative. Either ask him later, or take the more difficult path and decide not to pursue that sort of relationship.

She should say “Hi Alex”.

Wait to see if he’s still on the fence. If he’s jumped off onto the Toronto side, then he’s the one who got away. In the future, she should be more open to her feelings about people of either gender; it seems like she resisted the idea of a relationship because he was a guy (and, to be fair, also seemed to be gay, which would be a notable deal-breaker).

If he’s not decided, bring up the possibility of romance. If he laughs and picks up his menu, see paragraph 1.

If he’s staying, she’s got time to try to interpret his behavior a bit more carefully. But still, get a move on, girl.

After she says, “Hi, Alex” and he orders his mimosa, she should say that she’s thought long and hard about their earlier conversation and realized that her feelings for him are more / deeper / greater than she knew. If they are the kind of friends you describe them to be, this should open up the dialogue so they can be honest about 1) their feelings, 2) their respective sexuality, and 3) whether they want to stay “just” friends or take the relationship to another level.

As I see it, Andrea has little to lose here by speaking up. It’s the only way she can find out if they have any future together. He may realize that a romantic relationship with Andrea is worth staying in Memphis for. He may say, sorry, sweetie, but I don’t play for your team. He may realize that the reason he isn’t jumping on the job offer is that he doesn’t want to be parted from her. They need to have a conversation and this is a good time as any to start it.

This sounds like it happened to you Skald

Yes. I also once worked as a televangelist, only to have my hypocrisy revealed when a falling rock killed my little sister. After that I fought crime using my mutant teleporting powers and had to choose between saving a quartet of firemen or a single eight-year-old kid. After that I gained Kryptonian super-powers and flew around the world fighting kaiju and other super-threats, only to be disheartened when I had to choose between letting a single Pakistani town be nuked or allowing every straight person in North America to be forcibly turned gay. And I’ve been to Narnia DOZENS of times.

In my safe married space behind this keyboard, I would say that she should be honest with him, because love is worth it, and regret and self-doubt suck. It may or may not go as she hopes, but the exchange on the couch was ambiguous enough that I wouldn’t be shocked if he was in much the same boat, and has romantical type feelings for her and maybe, just maybe, they can live happily ever after, or at least enjoy love for a while before it ends.

In real life, were I unmarried and in this situation, I’d order the spinach crepes with an extra side of hollandaise, and I’d let him go without a word, and I’d cry into my pillow for six months, because I’m a coward when it comes to affairs of the heart.

This sounds an awful lot like a movie…

We could make it even more angst-y by having Andrea ask Alexander if he’s ever thought about having kids. She could confess that she’d like him to be her baby-daddy. See where it goes from there. :smiley:

IRL, if she were a friend of mine, I might verbally abuse her for a while (are you nuts?!). Should she maintain her position of newly discovered true love, my suggestion would be to start brunch off by mentioning that she’s realized how much she’ll miss him if he goes. She’ll have to feel things out from there. She runs the risk, of course, of completely souring their relationship. Having watched a few friends go through similar contortions in college, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. I wouldn’t counsel her to push ahead with any confessions about her changed feelings unless she’s getting clear signals from Alexander.

WhyNot got this one.

She should say “I’ll take Unrequited Love for $1000, Alex!”

Considering all the complicated sexual orientations among these two folks, I’d say that Andrea should keep her mouth shut, wish her friend luck in Toronto and move on. I don’t see a happy ending of any kind if she fesses up.

A “somewhat higher paying gig” is not a very big enticement for moving. You have to factor in the culture of the target company and the surrounding area. Plus, weather and the like.

And I think we’d all agree that a little bit of money is a cheap price for a good relationship.

So, she needs to say how she feels in a non-manipulative, non-demanding way. Sort of an “If you decide to stay, I think I’d like to try dating you” approach.

Personally, I think this relationship has miniscule odds of working out, and will probably fail miserably, but she ought to at least say something and let him make his choices knowing how she feels. It sounds to me like he’s looking for excuses to stay anyway. Maybe he’ll get a threesome out of the deal before she realizes that guys are still not doing it for her and goes back to girls.

The ‘pretending to be a lesbian’ part, the ‘made out of hotness’ part, or the brunch part?

Brother Juniper’s is a real place, and I have brunch there not infrequently. The Pumping Station is also real, though I’ve never been there on account of being a big ole scardey cat.