Is this a whoosh? What makes wanting to be around family a disability?
SOme families like to marshall the forces around their loved ones, little bro is now an uncle and may be excited to part of it.
Does he want to be around family? Does he have any choice, or does mom just drag him along like a purse everywhere she goes.
He’ll never be “part of it.”
I don’t know if she sleeps- I guess she does whatever the overwhelming majority of breastfeeding mothers who don’t have a live-in lactation consultant do. Except she’ll only be doing it for 20 minutes while her mother drives over.
Why should her mother have to drive over when she could be right there?
As for what the overwhelming majority of breastfeeding mothers would do when faced with a crying, hungry infant at 3 am that is having trouble latching on to the breast: Suffer through a hungry, frustrated baby not being able to eat. And again, why should you have to put up with this for 20 minutes just to spare the feelings of an overbearing mother-in-law? MIL isn’t the one who’s going to be trying to learn how to breastfeed the baby during overnight feedings, so I fail to see why she’s the one whose feelings are paramount here.
The fact of the matter is the lactation issue is irrelevant. As a new mom she doesn’t have to explain why she’d want her mom there. Someone she can feel gross in front of without worry.
It’s the MIL, who has the audacity to put her needs and wants first, whose behavior needs explaining. It’s for a couple of days during a unique situation. MIL can go to the hotel in the evening and choose to not be jealous that the mom gets to stay. It is so very very not a big deal. Or at least it shouldn’t be.
I feel the only response a loving friend or family member should have to a new mom just home is “whatever you need, dear”.
You are NOT being selfish. I have had two children, and the thought of my MIL – as wonderful a person as she is – staying at my house during that first, sleep-deprived week, is just – well, I could not have stood it.
Having children is wonderful beyond words. But those first weeks, as amazing as they are, are simply exhausting. You still want to sleep the way you always have, straight through the night, but your baby will have no respect for that, and honestly, it can be very, very hard.
To add guests staying at your house on top of that is just way too much to handle, IMHO.
Just wanted to add that I second everything that hermette said in post # 189.
It especially mind-boggling to me to hear people say in this thread that if the 3 AM feeding doesn’t work (because the baby doesn’t latch on), mom can just go back to sleep until 5 AM and try again. What exactly do you think the baby will do? Just roll over and go back to sleep too???
I had that problem with my firstborn, and let me tell you, a baby who can’t latch on but who is still very hungry is one screamingly sad baby, and the new mom can very quickly be reduced to tears as well. It is NOT an “oh, I’ll just go back to sleep and try later!” situation by any means.
Now maybe the OP’s baby will latch on from the first try; that would be wonderul. But even so, not getting a full night’s sleep can be very, very hard on a new mother. She needs time to herself, with whatever help she feels will work best for her and under the circumstances that give her the most rest and peace of mind, for those first few weeks.
For once, I’m going to respond before I read the rest of it, so somebody might have beaten me to it.
He didn’t invite them. Then invited themselves. What are they going to be doing in their son’s house while he’s at the hospital with his wife, either while she’s in labor and giving birth or afterward, for a couple of days? It sounds like they expect to be included in every minute of everything that happens. That’s most definitely not a good idea.
Allowing the husband’s family to tell them what they **will **have to put up with is selfishness of the first order, especially when they don’t even know how the delivery will go.
I’ve read this whole thread and all I have to say, Ivory just said beautifully.
This is not about MIL. This is about the new mom, and her new baby. Anyone who doesn’t understand that needs to pull their heads out of their asses.
Add another vote for “you’re not being selfish.” Also, congrats on spawning!
Her feelings aren’t paramount- but her’s and the husband’s do matter. Of course, the OP could always tell the mother-in-law the truth , which I suspect sounds something like “It’s too stressful to have guests over right after the baby’s born. My mother- oh, it’s different. She’s not really a guest. She’s family- and you’re not”. Which is understandable, but it’s also understandable why husband and MIL may have hurt feelings. It will no doubt further strain an already strained relationship, and may have long-standing repercussions.
I don’t mean things being thrown in people’s faces at Christmas five years from now. I mean things like what happened to my sister-in-law. Her mother, brother ,sister ,cousins etc, were family. We were guests. Ok, fine, she had every right to feel that way, and she had every right to never ask us to babysit, only her family, and she had every right to have her family drop in whenever they wanted while we felt we had to wait for an invitation. And my brother had every right to go along with it. But she had no reason after doing that to accuse my mother of liking her daughters’ children better than her son’s, or to wonder why my children and my sisters’ children were closer to each other than they were to hers.
Sometimes, the in-laws are assholes, and don’t act like family.
The OP sounds like one of those times.
Maybe so. That still doesn’t mean that telling them so is going to go over well- with either the MIL or the husband. Because it doesn’t seem that the husband thinks his mother’s an asshole who doesn’t act like family. If he did, there wouldn’t be any issue.
Well, the thing is, I don’t think that is the truth. The truth is, “My mother – oh, it’s different. She’s not really a guest. She is a professional lactation consultant – and you’re not.” If mom wasn’t a lactation consultant, it sounds like the OP wouldn’t want her to stay over either.
(Also, Ms Whatsit, you totally gave me flashbacks to those 3am feedings where my newborn was crying despairing wails because she couldn’t get enough food. I think my husband would have done anything to stop having a piteously crying newborn and a piteously crying wife at 3am (and actually he might have been piteously crying too from not being able to do anything about it), even if he had to mortally insult his family to do so.)
What it really sounds like is that the OP’s husband has no idea what it’s like to have a newborn baby and a mom who’s recovering from childbirth. That’s okay. Not many people do. But it might be a good idea to educate himself.
Not having read the entire thread, here’s my 2 cents:
You are not being selfish per se, but despite your mom being a lactation consultant, if you have her stay overnight while MIL is in a hotel, it definitely smacks of “MY mom is family enough to be around during this time but you’re not.” Do you mean it that way? No, but that’s how it’ll be taken. Not a good idea. Baaaaad idea. Very, very bad.
I think you have a prime opportunity to mend some fences with MIL, as you’ve said the relationship has been strained a bit in the past. She won’t be there to see you (or Mr. Chipmunk - the two you will cease to exist as soon as that little girl takes her first breath). NOBODY is going to expect you to do any entertaining, cleaning, cooking, etc. - if anything they will likely be trying to wait on you. Yes, you’ve said that MIL hasn’t been too helpful in the past - however a simple “MIL, would you mind to load the dishwasher?” or “would you mind to wash a load of bath towels, we’re running low” - yeah, she’ll do it, you watch. She’s never offered before - noted, however (and I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, I don’t know this woman) it COULD (maybe? possibly?) be she’s never offered because she’s afraid you’d take it as such: “here, let me help you do [insert chore here] because you obviously don’t know what you’re doing.” Plus you’ve never asked her to help with anything. There will definitely be work to do those first few days - give her a job to do. First time grandmas are sorta like border collies - they do best when they have something to herd, be it laundry, the kitchen, grocery shopping, fetching you ice water, etc (if you’re gonna breastfeed you’re gonna be thirstier than you’ve ever been in your life). She may surprise you.
Another thing that should be considered … she lives 3 hours away. Your family lives nearby. I can honestly see why she’d want to be around the baby as much as possible while she’s in town. Don’t underestimate the money issue, either - yeah, you’ve offered to help out with the hotel, but depending on how broke she is, staying in a hotel even with help may be a pretty big hardship. A 3 hour car trip is nothing to sneeze at, either, gas wise.
I’m sure some people (not necessarily you) reading this are thinking: “If she can’t afford it she could just stay home.” To this I say: bitchez, please! It’s a new grandbaby. A GIRL grandbaby. She can be born in the middle of a damn hurricane, MIL is gonna be there.
Yes, MIL needs to show some understanding, too. Suppose she does come stay - it needs to be understood that she needs to go back home after X number of days. It also should be understood that she’s there to help - I really, really don’t think you’re going to have any trouble in that department, though. I do think it also needs to be considered that your husband seems to want her there … this is a big deal for him, too. YES, how you feel and what you want matters, but how he feels and what he wants matters, too. (I do give him kudos for backing you up on this, though.)
As far as the 15 year old brother in law goes - I got nothin’. He may be totally into the baby or he may be content to hide in another room with a laptop, it’s hard to tell. (And yes I’ve seen some teenage boys get way into new babies so it’s possible.)
There’s definitely no easy answer to this one. I just wanted to throw this out there for your consideration.
This just isn’t true. My MIL came over when my son was 5 days old, we were two days home from the hospital, she had done NOTHING to help and actually refused to help when asked certain things. She was holding Junior and asked me if I could get her a drink.
As kind and helpful as most people are, there are people in the world who are breathtakingly self centred.
If OP’s MIL is one of them, having her stay will be a nightmare. Only OP knows what her MIL is actually like so she needs to make the choice and if she feels that her MIL is like my MIL choosing to NOT have her stay is perfectly reasonable.
I think this is very true. It might be worth contacting MiL and saying how much you appreciate her coming in to help after the baby is born, especially since your mom is a lactation consultant and can help with that sort of stuff but really isn’t very good at the dishes/laundry/whatever (even if that is a lie) and it will be so nice to have someone to keep up with the domestic stuff while you are learning to be a new mom. You can make it very clear that you expect that she will be a useful person while she is there without out and out saying that she is normally a horrible house guest.
That being said, if she is really a horrible person and you just don’t want her around for this whole experience be very clear with your husband that you can’t handle learning to be a new mom and being nice to his mother and encourage him to have her delay her trip by a week or so. You shouldn’t have to put up with a guilt trip over something that is a legitimate concern.
For me, it was more than family. There’s “family,” and then there’s “people with whom I feel comfortable enough to be around naked, ask for help with using the bathroom, and wouldn’t feel that weird if they had to clean up a blood clot that fell out of my cooter.” Personally speaking, the number of people in the latter example is a lot smaller than the one for “family.” For some people, the MIL might be in that category, for others, only one’s spouse. For many women, it includes their own mother (or sister, or best friend). I don’t think anyone has to pretend that someone is in this group just to be polite.
Combine that with the fact that some grandmothers are helpful and will do things that actually assist with the situation, while others make work (even if they do not realize it and have good intentions), and that’s why there’s no set rule about who should stay in the house with the new baby. Every new mother should be able to make her own assessment on this - she’s really the only one who gets a vote about the full frontal comfort level, while the new father does have something to say, I think, about the helpfulness issue.
Do please let us know what you decided, and what actually happened in the end, won’t you? Despite the worry, it’s going to be a wonderful few weeks as you get to know your new bub!!
I’m in the “not selfish” category, too.
I had (have) a Japanese MIL who in some ways was wonderful; she took over and did EVERYTHING for a month, thanks to old beliefs that a woman who has just given birth should not touch water for 28 days. (Thus, no laundry or dishwashing or food preparation.)
On the other hand, she took over and did EVERYTHING for a month, thanks to old beliefs that a woman who has just given birth should not touch water. (Thus, endless fights and angst and handwringing that I was going to die because I’d had a shower or, horrors, washed my hair, or bigger horrors, wouldn’t let Granny take newborn into the three foot deep, scalding hot bath with her, but washed him in the sink in warm water.)
Sigh.
I will definitely let you guys know how it turns out. The more I have been thinking about it, the more it isn’t a question of comprimise or not. I AM compromising if they stay in a hotel. I am not saying they can’t visit, just that they need to have another place to go. If I let them stay here, I wouldn’t be comprimising, I would be completely giving up and not getting any thing I needed. A non-compromise on my part would be to say they couldn’t come at all in the first couple of weeks. That is what I really want, but I know that that won’t happen.
I appreciate everyone saying that I might be surprised at how much a help around the house MiL is, but the more I think about it, the more unlikely that seems. She is just not a housekeeper. My own mother is, but not MiL. I think having that space is really the best thing for my sanity (other then not being here at all). I will see how breastfeeding is going at the hospital and the first day before I decide whether or not to have my mother stay. If I can demonstrate a need, it will probably be less offensive to MiL.
Thanks again everyone. I truly do appreciate all your input. I has given me some much needed clarity to think this all over.
I breastfed both my babies. We didn’t get to the “hours” between feedings until they were 3 months old or so. My babies nursed pretty much round the clock for the first month. I didn’t get dressed for at least a week after #1 was born. Just wore a robe when I had to (people came over to visit).
Breastfeeding can be very very hard to learn. For both mama and baby. I think both of us cried for a solid week. I am so glad I didn’t have anyone staying with us during that time.
Also, dh ended up on the couch for several nights as I nursed/slept with the baby in our bed. One of us needed to stay rested to keep things together.