This was my impression too. Dad’s position seemed to me to be more “I don’t want the hassle of telling her no” vs. “she would be a profound source of support for me.”
My thought is to let them stay in the house. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t let them, after they’ve done nothing particularly wrong. In my opinion (please don’t take it the wrong way!) you probably ought to let go a little. You will be a brand-new mother with guests that absolutely do not expect you to do anything for them, but the reason you don’t want them to come is because it’ll be too stressful feeling like you have to do stuff for them? It sounds like you’re borrowing trouble that doesn’t need to be had.
In fact, his mother might be feeling bad because SHE expected to be the one helping YOU! An extra set of hands is very helpful with a brand new baby. You (and your husband!) might be surprised at how much family helps at times like this. Making them stay at a hotel just doesn’t seem like the best situation, assuming you get along with her and she won’t be a burden and you have the space in your house.
You are not being selfish.
Mothers are unique because of the months-long physical effort which they
and they alone must put into childbearing, and they are unique because of
the physically exhausing event of childbirth itself. That is obvious, undeniable,
and provides all the reason needed to require all others involved, including
the father, to defer without a peep to the mother’s wishes.
No doubt some master logician is thinking “well how about if they go the in vitro route, etc.”
I reply that that case is not even hypothetically relevant to conventional pregnancy
and childbirth, but in an the event it was relevant then the primary caretaker’s wishes
should be defered to, and that will in most but not all cases be the mother.
Furthermore, the presumption displayed by the mother-in-law in the case being
discussed is galling, and the husband-father’s presumption is not much better.
If my husband was torn and bloody and leaking fluids and really debilitated, I would so find HIS mother more comforting to have around than mine, even leaving aside the fact that she is the more sane one – because it would be much more comforting to me to know that my spouse had someone around where both of them were okay with his expelling bodily fluids and whatnot. Because she’s his mother.
Is this not the case for most people? Especially men?
(I agree with Ms Whatsit, by the way, about the OP’s situation.)
Oh, you poor sweet thing. You’ve already received numerous replies here, but I’ll throw in my two cents, since I just had my first baby about 9 months ago (amidst loving but overwhelming in-laws).
If your in-laws insist on coming out as soon as the baby is born, maybe you can compromise: Have them stay at a hotel for the first day or two, so you and your husband and your new daughter can bond for a bit. Then invite them to stay with you, with the caveat that you will NOT be taking care of ANY hostessing duties – laundry, dishes, cooking, putting out fresh towels. You will not have the time, energy, or brain power to do any of that! But to be honest, a mother-in-law’s helping hand might be very welcome after those first few days. She’ll probably be delighted to take over the housekeeping stuff – and it’ll be tough for you to let her do it, but it’ll save you some grief if you give in. 
But I really hope you get a few days at least – ALONE – with your new little family to bond. They can stay in a hotel for a few days.
Please talk to your husband about this. He needs to be on your side, not his mom’s side. This is not the time for you to be getting stressed, and everyone involved needs to understand that. This pregnancy is not about your mother-in-law, it’s about YOU. So please impart to your husband that whatever the decision, you need and expect his support.
Good luck, and try not to stress.
Would it make a difference? And is he really expected to know? And does Chipmunk know. He hasn’t been a father before. I know my husband found his mother to be very useful when our children were born - even if I didn’t find much to appreciate.
In the case of his mother, it sounds like she’ll detract more than she can add. She wants to stay in the house. She isn’t really a helpful person. Even if she can offer him support, its going to drive Chipmunk crazy.
In the case of her mother, she can add a lot of value - but she can do that from the reasonable distance her own home is away and sleep in her own bed - spending much of the day with Chipmunk, but providing Chipmunk and Hubby with some needed (and yes, needed that first week or why are we saying mother in law should stay away) time alone with the baby. Yeah, it would be nice to have a lactation consultant you could wake up and who would be by your side in five minutes - but is a twenty minute delay in getting her there going to really add enough value for the potential risk of “why did SHE get to stay” from EITHER husband or Mother in Law - and the potential risk of what an exhausted Chipmunk will spit out regarding his mother and brother descending on her during her recovery. Because as stressful as establishing latch at 3am can be, the baby isn’t going to throw it in your face in five years when you end up at your parents for Christmas with “I knew you didn’t like me.”
Well, the OP said that he’s really close to his mom and hurts him that she’s not, so I think that argues against him just wanting her to come because it’ll shut her up. When I’m really close to someone, I don’t exactly grudgingly permit them to attend major life events in the spirit of “that ought to hold the little bastards,” ya know? Beyond that, we don’t really have any evidence to make much in the way of assumptions about his need/desire for his mom to be there.
But given that she’s his mom, and they’re close, and she’s been through this at least twice herself, if he does want comfort/support/guidance/reassurance he’s not fucking this all to hell, she’s the pretty obvious candidate for being the one he wants.
This is ridiculous. Having mom in the same house vs. having to call mom and wake her up at her hotel room (or her own house, I forget where the OP’s family lives) to make a 20-minute drive to your house is not the same thing and is not a minor difference. Especially since as far as I can tell, the only reason to do it would be to “not piss off MIL.”
And I still firmly maintain that someone who is likely to hold grudges and throw things in your face at Christmas is going to find reasons to do so whether you go out of your way to accommodate completely unreasonable requests from them (like, “BUT I WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO STAY AT YOUR HOUSE!!”) or not.
Yes it is.
Because the baby should be the new mother’s top priority.
They may be. That 3am feed might be the one during which it all clicks into place for mum&baby, and they finally get the hang of it.
Or it may be the one where the stressed out new mother finally cracks, declares “I tried, I give up, I’m switching to formula”.
The key words there are “supposed to”. I’d still put my baby ahead of my marriage.
And hopefully, Mr New Father Chipmunk will also realise that Baby Chipmunk is the number one priority, and that its wellbeing comes ahead of his mother’s emotions.
Umm, and how exactly does the mother in this situation sleep between 3am and 5am when she has an unfed infant, who’s presumably being rather loud and unhappy about not having been fed?
I’m astounded by some of the things being said in this thread. Chipmunk, you’re not being selfish - your baby comes first. Good luck not upsetting the in-laws, but by all means go all Mama-Bear/Momzilla to give your newborn the best possible start in life!
Bullshit. The health and safety of the baby should be the mother’s top priority. Meeting every one of her baby’s whims at the risk of her own sanity, her husband’s feelings - or even the feelings of her mother in law - should NOT be her top priority. If Baby becomes her top priority - she’ll be a piss poor mother.
Better get used to compromising. Its every day for the rest of your life.
But no one is suggesting this is it for the rest of their lives. This is only for the first 2-3 days! Their marriage is not going to collapse and she won’t be a piss poor mom if 2-3 days after coming home from the hospital with a new baby she gets this small thing. She wants the evenings quiet and her mom around at night. For a few days.
Newborn babies don’t really have “whims”. WTF?
Ha! This would be more reason for me to insist on having my way. I don’t negotiate with family terrorists! It’s hard the first time you stand your ground when they’re being unreasonable (and I do think prioritizing the useless MiL’s ego is unreasonable when compared to getting the best possible care and comfort for new Mom and baby), but it gets a LOT easier after that first time!
Considering the OP is even getting resistance about not having them stay (even with a 15 year old in tow, which is patently ridiculous), I wouldn’t really be interested in finding a middle ground after that. What’s the point? If MiL is going to be unpleasant no matter what, the new Mom should at least get what she needs out of it.
Because I can’t imagine a scenario where the resentment of “you didn’t let my useless mother stay with us” is greater than that generated by “I’m bleeding, in pain, and trying to feed our new baby, and you didn’t let me have my mom there to help to keep just to keep things EQUAL with your shrewish harpy of a mother.” Denying useful help to new Mom and baby just to keep someone from getting offended is appalling.
Newborn babies eating is not exactly a whim.
Dangerosa, I’m not here to start a fight with you, but I would definitely caution the OP against taking a lot of your advice (or at least she should take it with a grain of salt). I was told by all of my doctors that for the first few months of life (maybe 6 months?) that you can not spoil the baby – meaning that yes, that baby SHOULD be your top priority and you should do everything you can to keep it safe, well-fed, and happy. You SHOULD be meeting every single one of your baby’s whims.
OP, those first few days and weeks after the baby comes are crazy. Your hormones are all over the place. It is NOT the time to throw in extra frustrations. Your husband needs to know beforehand that things may be very emotional and difficult for you – and I only say “may be” because every woman is different.
And keep in mind – you are going to be physically healing from the birth. There’s a chance you may be in a great deal of pain. I needed help getting in and out of the tub, and getting up off of the couch. Your va-jay-jay is gonna go through a lot of trauma.
If your husband is still giving you shit about all this, please enlist the help of your OB/GYN. Maybe he or she can sit down with you both and discuss the reality of what life is going to be life right after the baby comes, and he/she can explain to both of you what will be best for you and the baby.
Whims? We’re talking about newborn babies having whims? I must be in bizarro world. Stupid baby should just deal on their own, selfish little brat. We can’t sideline mature adults for anything, they might get offended.
Baby has to be top priority - they are entirely dependent, for cripes sake. A shitty parent prioritizes full grown adults’ butthurt against the needs of their newborn.
Staying at one of your family member’s houses would not be any better than a hotel in her eyes. Even if they were willing to let her stay with them. It’s not about the money.
I say let mom come stay. It will be beneficial for you and baby and MiL will just find some other offensive event to hold against you.
All I know is that **Chimpunk **better come back after it’s all said and done and let us know how it went!
I think lots of us - including me - are filtering our advice through the sieve of our own experiences, preconceptions, and prejudices. People come in all different varieties, from moms who could be mistaken for June Cleaver to moms who could be mistaken for Peg Bundy; husbands who are absolutely steady and calm in an emergency to those who lose their heads at the first sign of anything out of the ordinary; new mommies who are completely lost, and those who take to breastfeeding like ducks to water; and babies who range from perfectly content to Colicky Until Age 7.
The advice I posted was my personal experience and opinion. I didn’t want my mother or anyone else’s at my home during those first days when any of my children were newborns. Grandparents visited for an hour or two during those first couple of days, and everyone else was politely asked to stay the hell away after my oldest ones were born. Sure, my mother or mother-in-law would have happily come and cleaned and done laundry and held the baby, but I didn’t want them to come in except for a few minutes of baby cuddling, and each brought or offered to bring food - carry out or a casserole from their home, which actually was welcome. I don’t want even the most well-meaning person in the world to come clean my house. The Dalai Lama could offer, and I’d say no, thanks.
My husband would probably have liked to have his parents come stay for a few days when our youngest was born, so thank goodness I had the small house excuse and offered them a hotel room for their visit. I like my in-laws very much, but I wouldn’t have gotten any rest had they been there. As it was, it took Mr. M a few days to realize that - despite the fact that my labor and delivery couldn’t have been easier, and despite having a wonderfully happy and healthy baby - I was exhausted. He was so proud to be a dad, though, that I didn’t have the heart to ask him to limit visitors to the house for those first days, so people were invited to just drop by, willy nilly, and I was just increasingly tired. And cranky. And hormonal. When he finally realized what the problem had been, he felt just horrible!
I think that what I’m trying to say is that the OP and her husband have to work out their best solution. I can tell you my experiences, but I don’t know your mom, MIL, husband, BIL, or Nefarious Chipmunk herself. I don’t think it’s selfish to want no overnight guests during those first weeks after childbirth: sounds normal to me. Apparently, other people have other experiences. (And I do think the “feels sorry for her” thing is a huge red flag that Mr. Chipmunk’s mother is a little less than ideal as a MIL. But that’s just my opinion.)
I’m curious to know the nature of the 15 y/o’s disability that prevents him from staying with his friends, mom’s friends, or anywhere other than being dragged into this. I mean, he does have a disability, right? If not, then that’s a red flag about MIL, before we even get to Chipmunk’s situation. If she treats her teenage son like an infant, I wouldn’t trust her judgment on much of anything.
This is one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever read. I think making a new born infant your top priority is pretty much the defintion of being a good mother.
Deciding that Junior can suck it up and not be fed, or be fed by a stressed out mom who’s afraid to have a freaking lactation consultant available in the house, or be switched to formula because mom and baby couldn’t get the hang of feeding in the (very short) window because otherwise MIL will be sad 
mad :mad: glad 
or totally confused 
strikes me as being a piss poor mother.
For the love of Pete, a week old infant does not have ‘whims’ they have ‘needs’ and meeting your childs ‘needs’ is what responsible parents do, even if their spouse, mom, MIL, cousin once removed or dry cleaner get all butt hurt about it.