To each their own. I, however, would resent the hell out of my husband and MiL for making things more difficult and stressful on me at a time like that when it could so easily be avoided.
I sort of figure its compromise time - yes, even after childbirth Because if I do all the taking and resent it if he doesn’t give in to my demands - I won’t be married - he’d walk out. If i do all the giving - I’ll crack and walk out. A new baby is a stressful time for most marriages.
Keep in mind, though, that new daddy is likely to be just as stressed as mommy over a missed feeding for the Baby Chipmunk, especially since there is so little he can do to help. If the Chipmunklet is crying and hungry at 3 am, he’s likely to be on the phone begging his MIL to come help!
I’m not sure how you managed to infer that I’d consider my life not worth living if my sons don’t have children. One may - he’s on the brink of getting engaged if I’m reading the signals correctly. The other probably won’t.
Regardless, it’s not something over which I have control and my existence wouldn’t just ‘poof! Disappear’ if it didn’t happen.
And I never said I wanted to be ‘THE MOST IMPORTANT’ grandmother. Equal would be fine but apparently there’s a hierarchy in these things and the maternal grandmother is queen.
Yeah. We’ve all been saying no, it’s fine, you’re not selfish to want to have your home to yourself after you give birth. Now it’s OK for your mother to be there, but not his. I know your Mom’s a lactation consultant, so genuinely helpful, but that makes it sound as though you don’t think the MIL can be helpful at all. Maybe she won’t be (from the sounds of it, that’s true) but it’s not something you come out and tell someone, and that’s what you will be doing by making her go to a hotel while your own mother stays over.
OTOH, if this is what you need to do, then do it; the MIL’s hurt feelings aren’t the end of the world, and you are the one giving birth and getting the hang of breastfeeding. Just accept that your MIL (and maybe your husband) might have good reason to be upset. Seeing things from their POV will help you be less annoyed at them being annoyed, IYSWIM.
In a way it’s helpful that the teenager’s coming too - it makes it SO much easier to give a reason that doesn’t sound like ‘I don’t like you enough.’ Having your living room taken over, esp. by a kid of an age where sleep schedules are a little different to most adults, esp. esp. a teenage male that you might feel less than comfortable breastfeeding around, really would be extremely awkward.
OP, I’m actually a little surprised that none of your family has room for two people to stay over. We’re talking a sofa and a blow-up bed. What do they do when their own friends and family visit? Do they just not know your family, so you’d feel awkward asking?
ETA: I’m sure your last post wasn’t there when I started typing, Chipmunk. Damn time-travelling computers.
For about the first couple of weeks, then it should even out. Can’t you handle that?
When my daughter was born, I don’t think I would have survived without my Mom there that first week to show me the ropes and to just act as a shoulder to cry on. My MIL kept her distance without me having to ask.
Now, MIL is by far the primary grandmother. She sees the kids almost every week w/o fail, and they adore her. Mainly because she really plays with them–she’ll get down on the floor and roll around with them, she’ll play hide-and-seek with them, she takes them swimming in her pool.
My Mom, on the other hand, sees the kids much less, even though the MIL works and mine doesn’t. The kids love her, and she’s great with them when she sees them, but she claims they tire her, and she would scoff at the idea of rolling around the floor with them. She can’t even hold my toddler for more than a few minutes without it hurting her back.
(My Mom and MIL are both in their mid-sixties, so age difference isn’t a factor. Neither is distance–we all live in the same town. It’s all down to attitude.)
So what happens in the first month or so isn’t that important–it’s what you do in the years that follow that matter.
When people come to visit my family, they stay in a hotel. My parents house would be big enough if there was just one sleeping on the couch, but there isn’t enough room for two, especially since MiL and BiL tend to come with a good deal of (literal) baggage. Besides, my mother would be even more distressed about having a visitor then me. She is hyper neat and would not handle messy visitors staying in her living room, well.
Of course. And thank you for elaborating - it was never said further up, only that the maternal grandmother is queen.
I’ve got it!! How about Nefarious Chipmunk goes to a hotel with the baby and everyone else can stay at the house? 
OK. I guess different families have different traditions with this - I’ve had 7 people stay over, plus the three of us, in a 525sq ft flat, and had a friend and his son stay for six weeks with the rest of us living here. To me, that’s just what you have to do sometimes. But I know some people wouldn’t even want to stay over in someone’s living room.
Oh, climb down off the cross. ONE person said that. Many people said that immediately post delivery is normal for a woman to want to be around her mother moreso than other people IF they have that type of relationship already.
Or his own mother. That’s actually sort of my point - Hubby is likely to be stressed - and there will be issues other than feeding to deal with. As it is natural for Chipmunk to turn to her mother, it is also natural for Chiphubby to turn to his with the “how do I do this parent thing” questions. If Chipmunk is going to say “no, really, she can stay in a hotel if she wants to be here right away, but I’d really rather her not come for a week or two - I know you’d find her helpful and want to share, but its too much for me” then its hard for her to say “but my Mom can annoy YOU day and night in your own home just in case I MIGHT need her.”
:o
Sorry, I should have been more clear. I meant that the new dad might be just as willing to have his MIL a phone call away as the new mom. Not necessarily to have her there 24/7. And given the Ops description of her family culture, it sounds unlikely that Chipmunk’s mom is going to invite herself to stay anyway… but maybe I’m reading too much between the lines.
Why would anyone even have a baby if its needs can’t take priority for even the first week of its life? What’s the point?
Why are the two people in this situation who are the most vulnerable the ones you think should suck it up and deal? It makes no sense to me.
EVERYONE with a new baby needs to suck it up and deal. And yes, Mom and Baby’s REASONABLE needs take priority. But it is REASONABLE to say “I’m not going to PLAN on my mother staying over, if I need her, I’ll reserve that right, or call her in the middle of the night, but I’ll be aware that my husband might actually feel slighted if my mother is here all the time and my mother in law has been told to stay away.” Lactation consultant or not.
Having a baby does not mean you get to turn into Momzilla any more than getting married lets you throw the “Its my day, dammit” Bridezilla tantrum. Particularly - in both cases - where your husband’s feelings are concerned. He is a little more than a bystander in both events and he actually DOES get a voice.
I think dad getting pissy about a new mom’s choices for who she wants around for support is being more Dadzilla-like than the mom is being Momzilla. Personally, anyway.
I don’t think having a baby is remotely comparable to getting married, in that getting married it is at least theoretically possible for both partners to share the work and pain equally.
If my husband had a kidney stone (I pick this example because my friend who has done both says the pain is comparable, possbily more for the kidney stone) I would say HE would get to decide if his mother got to stay and mine didn’t, even if it meant my mom felt offended and hurt (which, honestly, she probably would). I would consider it unreasonable to feel slighted by that.
I dunno, it seems pretty prima donna to essentially say “I can have anybody I want around me any time of the day or night no matter how you feel about it, but if you’re scared and unsure and overwhelmed by taking care of a convalescent with all sorts of grossness pouring out of her all the time and a new baby and most of the household stuff and want your mom around…tough shit, buster, 'cause I don’t want her.”
Mind, I’m not saying it unreasonable or wrong or anything else negative for her to prefer having her own Mommy around over having his around. That’s perfectly understandable–no matter how awesome a person has with their mil, she’s still not their Mommy and isn’t an acceptable substitute. That’s true no matter what sort of naughty bits a person has. And that’s what people seem to be losing sight of: no matter how awesome the OP’s mom is and how knowledgeable she is about babies, she’s not going to be a huge lot of comfort to Mr. Chipmunk as he tries to take care of someone who is torn and bloody and leaking milk and really debilitated along with someone tiny and fragile who screams for no apparent reason and shits her pants, along with a house he’s probably never had primary care of before. Because she’s not his mother.
The post-natal period isn’t all about Mommy. It’s not even all about Baby. It’s all about the whole family, and that means taking everybody’s needs and wants into consideration.
Does he want his mom around for support, though? I thought he wanted his mom there basically because not having her there would piss her off. To me that’s pretty different from “I need her support right now.”
I think for the first few days after you come home it can be all about mom and baby. Very quickly it will become about dad, the family as a whole, in laws, cousins, etc etc. But for the first couple days, why can’t it be about mom and what she needs to heal and adjust. It’s not selfish, it’s fair.
Fair isn’t about everyone getting the same, it’s about everyone getting what they need. The first few days after having a baby, I think mom gets to decide what it is she needs.