Its impossible to reverse the genders here. A woman who has recently given birth should be given priority in such matters, because no matter what people like to think, the investment and burden is always much, much greater for the mother than for the father. (Unless we’re talking rich folks who simply hire everything done.)
Great option.
MIL isn’t thinking straight. It’s been awhile since she gave birth, so that’s some excuse. But it’s never acceptable to invite yourself to someone else’s house, and it’s incredibly presumptuous to do so when the host family is bringing their first baby home.
Tell her that you’ll enjoy her visit much more when you’ve had a chance to recuperate.
Do you even have room for three guests? Won’t the teenager be in school in three weeks? Shoot, I’d be tempted not to call them until the baby’s a week old.
You still can’t hire someone to recover physically from a birth on your behalf. As far as I know, anyway.
You can’t hire someone to recover for you by definition.
Anyway, that is my point (as I believe you realize). In any [del]natural[/del] biological* birth situation, the mother goes through far, far more than the father. It’s ridiculous to think the father’s rights or prerogatives should be equated to hers. He hasn’t been carrying around another creature in his belly for months on end.
*I changed to biological so I could include C-sections.
I am firmly on the side of “not selfish.” This is your call and I think you’re made the right decision.
Toward the end of my first pregnancy, my inlaws told us they’d booked a flight down to see us, arriving about a week after my due date. As much as I love them, I was freaking out. I didn’t want anyone in my house for the first few days after coming home… or, heaven forfend, in the hospital while I was giving birth. Luckily, my son was born a day after his due date, so I had a few days to recover by myself. And my inlaws chose to stay in a hotel, which was lovely of them.
I get along very well with my MIL. She has six kids and 11 grandkids. I respect her and her child-rearing abilities. However, she never breastfed, and I did. When my son was a few months old, we visited both my inlaws and my parents. My son would start fussing relatively soon after having nursed, and my MIL kept saying that he must not be hungry. She’d take him and try to soothe him in other ways, but they weren’t working. Given my good relationship with her, and my lack of experience as a parent, I went along for a day or so, but I was getting more and more stressed out. Finally, my mom took me aside and said, “Just feed him when he fusses.” So, even being with a MIL who you expect to be very helpful might be stressful at times.
When you are a new mother, everyone – and I mean EVERYONE, family, friends, the guy bagging your groceries – will offer you parenting advice. You have to do your best to resist the hormonal urge to punch them in the face. If you can, just smile and say, “Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind.” And then do what you were planning to do all along.
We had a 72-hour rule. No one was allowed to visit us for 72 hours after I got home from the hospital. This gave us time to bond as a family and get into (sort of) a routine. After that, I left it up to my (then)husband to schedule family. It was also his job to be the “gatekeeper” and shoo people away if I was getting too tired or crabby or peopled-out. I didn’t want too many people there at once. Baby Shell was preemie so we were able to use the germy thing as an excuse too…
Wanted to add…you are the mommy. You make the decisions.
I just gave birth on the 21st so I can speak from very fresh experience.
There is no way you are selfish.
The difference between us is that it was my parents that wanted to stay with us. They live about a 11 hour drive away and really wanted to be there for my birthday (also the 21st). We live in a two bedroom place and have a two year old running around. I wanted to have them stay over to take care of the toddler, but my husband really didn’t want that. He likes my parents but my Mom has some quirks that drive him a bit crazy. So we talked about it and my folks ended up staying with my brother for the week.
Let me just say I was so glad they didn’t stay with us. The minute they left my shirt came off and it was baby feeding all the time. My parents tried to help around the house but spent most of the time entertaining the two year old. That was worth it’s weight in gold, and the thing is, the two year old goes to sleep early. They didn’t need to be here at night.
My second child has been a dream at night, only waking up to eat, and that only happens every 4 hours or so. So both my husband and I have been sleeping well, and didn’t need anyone to cover naps. What raises a red flag for me is the 15 year old. Are you going to be comfortable feeding the baby with him around? Is he going to be comfortable with you whipping out a boob every few hours? Assuming you are breastfeeding. Also with my first, she woke up at about 5am every day and needed to be held. The only way I could stay awake was to go down and watch TV with her in hand. Can you do that with a 15 year old on the couch?
Likewise if my DH had surgery, and would need some time recovering at home, there’s no way I’d override his desire not to have my parents come stay.
I think both sides need a little perspective. Your mother-in-law needs to understand that this is YOUR baby, not hers, and wanting to be called the moment you go into labor is a bit suffocating. She should also defer to your wishes without complaint at a time like this, since what you are demanding is not wholly unreasonable - it isn’t as if you are denying her access to the child.
But on your side - welcome to being a parent! For the next several years, your needs are going to slip far, far into the background. Your life focus is going to shift outward in a radical way as you are suddenly responsible for somebody else. Tolerance, flexibility, compromise, deferral of your own desires - these are vital skills for parenting a young child. Sounds like you have a good opportunity here to start exercising them.
FWIW, I had nonstop company in the house for the first month or so after my kid was born - first my parents, then my in-laws. I spent the last month or so of my pregnancy filling the freezer with recipes from the book “Once a Month Cooking” so I’d be able to feed everybody (we were living in Maputo, Mozambique, so take-out or a quick run to the grocery store were not available options). My in-laws are lovely people, but my father-in-law was not in great health so my mother-in-law spent most of her energy looking after her husband, not her new grandchild.
It wasn’t particularly easy, but I sucked it up. Being a parent challenges you to do things you didn’t want to do or didn’t know you could. Sometimes these challenges begin right away, so you might as well take a deep breath and muster up all the grace you can as you confront them.
Having said that, I don’t think you need to capitulate entirely (flexibility != being a doormat). True, the right solution is not to force your in-laws into a hotel (it seems unkind to burden them with that expense if they can’t afford it, unless you are covering 100% of it). But why not have them begin their visit a week or two after you come home from the hospital - yes, your MIL will be disappointed, but she is disappointed anyway. And yes, you are going to have to relax with respect to your standards for guests. To repeat myself - this is a good opportunity to start exercising the skills you’ll need as a parent. Be flexible.
Good luck, whatever you do. (And PS - how come the 15 year old is available to visit; isn’t he either in school or about to start?)
Yeah, why do I have the feeling Young Master Last-Try-For-A-Girl gets dragged to a lot of places where he doesn’t belong and doesn’t want to go. People. Should not have. Late babies.
Yep - my MIL refused requests to do ANYTHING other than cuddle the baby. In fact, she would refuse to give him back to be fed, even if he was screaming his head off and then get in a snit when he wouldn’t settle. She’s a weird one.
When your Chipmunk is new you’re going to want help with all the crappy chores - walking the dog, taking out the garbage, scrubbing the toilet - if you don’t have a MIL that is willing to do the schlepy jobs like that, you’re not going to want her staying with you.
OP - I think you’ve made the right decision and I imagine as soon as your MIL meets her new grand daughter and cuddles her a little she’ll forget that her feelings are hurt.
Good luck and congrats on the new family member! 
I have not read all the replies, so forgive if this is repetitive. It sounds like you have a similar relationship to your MIL that I do (not antagonistic, but not all that close.) I may even have a worse relationship, frankly I wouldn’t have anything to do with her if she hadn’t spawned my hubby. But here’s my two cents.
You are not being selfish, you’re being smart. The first few days after giving birth were literally the most stressful of my life. You have no idea how the labor will go and how you will be feeling. I ended up having an emergency c-section and three days of hormone related migraines. I hated everyone. I was having really weird hormone surges and would get irrationally jealous of people holding my daughter, even my mother or best friend. I cannot imagine if it had been my MIL. I think I would have said things to irreparably damage what little relationship we have. And I am not a person who frets about being a good hostess to family.
Also, if this is first grand baby, plus first dearly wanted girl then she’s probably going to be all over that kid when she gets a hold of her. Babies get stressed out and overwhelmed really easily. Stressed baby will stress you and probably hubby out too. You really need to be able to gently separate them if that happens. My daughter was over 18 months before Grandma didn’t overwhelm her with constant exposure.
I think having them at the hotel is a good compromise. She can be over and help as much as you and hubby are comfortable with, but you have somewhere to send her if it gets too much or you’re not feeling well.
Good luck with all this. Stay healthy and may you have a far better labor and delivery then I did. 
Maybe you’ve answered this, but why can’t your family put them up?
This made me laugh for it’s accuracy. 15yo BiL will be in school, but MiL will take him out to come visit us. I am not sure how long they are planning on staying and I won’t comment on my opinion of taking him out of school, but that is the plan.
For those asking about my family taking them in, as I mentioned earlier, none of them have big enough places to take in extra people, unfortunately.
Also from seeing my mom do the same thing with her birth grandchildren, great nieces and nephews, and several family friends. As I mentioned, she is in her glory with obstetrics. And the same for most of the other women in the family.
But it takes tact on both sides. My cousin, neonatologist, mother of five, and former head of the NICU at her county hospital, arrived to help care for her new granddaughter - and her daughter in law had prepared a list of Things To Do To Take Care of the Baby. My cousin kept her mouth shut, and chalked it up to hormones and exhaustion.
Regards,
Shodan
Somehow this example hit home with me as an absolute pinnacle of tact. If you ever see your niece, tell her I’m deeply impressed.
I agree.
Your MIL isn’t really interested in you, per se, she wants to see the baby. It is all about the baby. It is baby palooza for her. She is excited bar none and frankly, her enthusiasm for your little baby girl will only get worse ( in the form of presents and crap you or the baby won’t need. trust me on this. She has a right to be excited, she’s just joined the Grandma’s club. * Learn how to handle your future children’s spouses through this experience.*
Your husband needs to decide which woman he married. You or his mom. Yes it is her grandchild, but those first few days home with the baby are one of the most treasured times you can have and will recall in a blur of exhaustion. He can’t please both women and he picked his mother over you in this case. He should have asked first.
[hijack] I had just given birth to our first child and my husband calls from home to let me know his sister ( whom I just cannot stand, frankly speaking, how she and my husband came from the same nutsack, I have no idea. She’s Ned Flanders-Martha Stewart to my Daria.) is cleaning my bathrooms. I’m pretty sure my blood pressure went to the sky and I responded, " Our son won’t be able to use to toilet for a good 3 years." When she went on to birth the world’s most perfect child a year later, I didn’t clean her bathroom or even go to her house.
Put your MIL and any other houseguest you really don’t want lollygagging around too work.
One more saying you’re absolutely justified. Especially with a 15-year old boy potentially being there when you get home? Good Lord, no.
I mean, you can sympathize with your M-I-L; and tell her you understand it’s a little disappointing for her not to be able to help and participate as much as she wants, etc. But it’s not selfish at all to request that you not have to also host two adults and a teenager while you’re recovering.
I skimmed over most of the responses but I have to add mine. You are ENTITLED to recover from childbirth however you want. Please google the Lemon Clot essay and read it. Then have your DH read it. You have no idea how your birth will go right now and how your recovery will be. Whether you will end up needing a C section or not. This is not just about the new baby but about you going through a major procedure.
It does not sound like your MIL will help at all and may even cause you undue stress. If you are planning on breastfeeding, stress can hinder that. Even with her staying in a hotel you need to limit visits , no all day affairs. You won’t want it. Yes it’s your husband’s baby too but the post partum period is NOT about Grandma.
Again, google that essay , it really tells it like it is.
Yep, exactly. It IS nice to have someone around to help out when you first get home, but they can help out during the day and GTFO back to the hotel at night. And you can always change yoyr mind if you feel it would be OK for them to stay with you. And let me know if your husband needs a good kick in the balls–reading about his reactions here is making my leg twitchy.