That’s a good essay. If anything, it sugar coats it if your recovery is not easy.
(About two weeks - some people are saying a week - but for me it was two before I wouldn’t be driven to tears randomly, before I was painfree enough to walk from the Target parking lot, into Target, back to the diapers, grab diapers, and check out. Before I’d gotten the hang of breastfeeding enough not to do it around people (we - me and her - never mastered that), but to not spend HOURS every day just establishing latch. And about fifteen minutes - that first week or so all visits should be fifteen minutes or less. Maybe thirty for Grandmas and Really Good Friends. People who come over and busy themselves with laundry, dishes, mowing the lawn and walking the dog can stay for longer. But if anyone has their butt in a chair or is holding baby longer than fifteen minutes - they’ve stayed too long. This is your husband’s job to enforce - you are recovering from passing a bowling ball through your vagina (or major surgery if you have a c-section) in order to deliver his child. It is his job to treasure and protect you during this period.)
She is a rather impressive person (it’s my cousin). But she is not only used to dealing with babies, she is also used to dealing with post-partum mommies in a wide variety of circumstances ranging from “the baby is fine - try soy formula” up to and including “I’m sorry - there is nothing we can do”.
I’m going to put another vote in for (1)talking to your husband, and (2) moving the visit back a notch.
Sounds like you have plenty of help from your own family for the first few days, help that won’t stress you out.
Rather than coming right away and having to stay at a hotel, maybe they’d rather come in a couple-three weeks - after you’ve had a chance to recover a bit. (Assuming that you’re OK with them being in your house at that point, of course!) Seems like that would also reduce competition/stress between your family and his for baby-time, if they’re not all there at once.
The part of the OP that stuck with me the most is the part where the MIL is saying that she “feels sorry” for the OP if she doesn’t want to have guests. This speaks to a pretty disrespectful attitude. A strong second is the part where the husband seems to not understand why the OP would feel this way.
Look, I am a man. As such I will never give birth and know what that whole thing is like. But I really get the whole hearth and home thing. When you are returning from the hospital with a brand new life that you and your partner have created what is called for is at very least a brief period of time where just the three of you imprint and bond and solidify the household and family that you are creating. Why on earth would you even want other people there?
I suspect that if the MIL wanted to come for a visit a couple weeks after this would be a non-issue. My vote is for MIL being an insensitive bitch and Husband being a bit clueless. I also think that it is a huge warning sign that MIL tried to have a girl and did not. My gut tells me that the OP needs to set up clear boundaries very early on as to who the actual mom is and who gets to call the shots as to how this child is raised.
On a lighter note: Congratulations on the little one on the way!
I read through this whole thread looking for a response like this.
+1
I’ve often heard something to the effect that when a man marries, he’s sort of replacing the #1 woman in his life with a new one. That may not be the best way to phrase it, but I think ya’ll know what I mean.
My wife comes first before my mother.
MIL can’t really be blamed here for wanting what she wants. And Mother to be can’t be blamed for wanting what she wants.
Why is the new daddy to be not catching hell from everyone for not fully supporting his wife here?
Probably because we want him to read through it and not feel attacked.
And partly because I vividly remember how clueless my husband was right up until there was a baby in his arms about parenting (our first, as I implied upthread, was delivered at the airport six months old). And clueless right up until he picked me up at the hospital for the trip home about how hard labor had hit (and he’s still pretty clueless about that - the thing is is that he sat and watched it - labor and delivery. But it wasn’t until he was helping me to the car and I was saying “You’ll have to carry the carseat, I can’t lift it” that any recognition I was going to have my capacity limited for a bit hit.)
He now laughs at this when friends are expecting their first and come out with naive statements about parenting and what their relationship with their spouse will be post-child. But you can’t tell someone.
You are not being selfish. You need your space! For all that you’ve been home to this baby, you still need time and space to get to know each other, not to mention that you need to recover without having to worry about modesty or anyone’s delicate sensibilities. I was fortunate that my family gave me my space after my kids were born. Everyone just left food at the door and waited until I was ready to leave my cave.
Don’t be too hard on Mr. Chipmunk. He really has been an amazing Dad-to-be in every other way. His relationship with MiL has definitely been an issue for us before, but he is getting better, believe it or not. He is more willing to tell her things she doesn’t want to hear. I just wish she didn’t make him feel so bad when he did. Mostly I blame her irrationality more then anything.
I am so glad to see that few people think I am being unreasonable. I was a bit worried it was pregnancy hormones, but the more people tell their stories, the more I know that I should stand my ground. If thinking about her being here is stressing me out now, I can not imagine what I will feel like after the big event.
I really wish I could ask her to come later, but I honestly think that that would go over worse then asking her to stay in a hotel.
One thing that is worrying me is this. My mother is a lactation consultant. I do plan to breastfeed and she has offered to stay the first night (if I want her to) to help me with breastfeeding. She did it for my sister and my sister says it was the best thing ever. I think this is something I would really want, but I just don’t think there would be a way to work it that wouldn’t offend MiL even more… any ideas?
On this issue I think you need to ignore your MIL being offended - this is about the care and welfare of your child. I know when Junior was brand new we struggled with breast feeding a LOT. The lactation consultant made a huge difference after we met with her. Seriously, MIL can pound sand - it’s perfectly natural to want your own mom there the first night. My mom was in the delivery suite with me - no way in hell would I have wanted my MIL there.
You are one lucky lady! There are a lot of women out there who would kill for that kind of help. Don’t you worry about your MiL - this is about comfort and welfare for both you and the baby.
Here’s a fair proposal. When the husband gives birth to his first child, then he can invite whatever guests he wants
Seriously Dio, you are completely missing the salient points here:
1: Giving birth may seem about as involved as a stork delivery if you’re a man but if you’re a woman, it’s a major medical procedure. In fact it carries a remote but real risk of death. If she had a mastectomy would you still insist that the husband has an inalienable right to invite company over? Hell no. Her rights as a convalescent should trump anything else going on.
2: Many women are extremely sensitive to the appearance of their home and the ability to do a good job hosting. The feel this in ways that men don’t, because women are the ones who get judged on the quality of housekeeping and hospitality. If this feeling makes her uncomfortable under normal circumstances, for god’s sake don’t force it on her while she’s lying in bed bleeding with ice packs on her vagina.
The amount of male sensitivity and entitlement in this thread is just apalling, and I’m a man myself.
Yeah, have your Mom spend the days and send her home at night. IF you have issues breastfeeding (I did) working at it 24 hours a day is not going to do your sanity any favors - try at night a few times without her and move on. If you don’t have any issues breastfeeding, then you’ll get a latch at the hospital and Mom’s help will be welcome, but probably not in the “urgently needed on call 24 hours a day” way. That will both not offend your MiL AND take some of the pressure off you for breastfeeding.
(God, I can’t imagine a 24 hour on call lactation consultant those first few days. I would have shot myself.)
You know, your MIL sounds like someone who’s going to get offended about something no matter what you do, so I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s her problem, and you’ve got other things to be thinking about right now.
It’s awesome that you have a mom who will be so helpful with breastfeeding, but even if she wasn’t, she’s your mom. Of course you want her there. Who in the world wouldn’t understand that?
I had a lot of trouble breastfeeding and this sounds like about the best thing I can imagine, except that I probably would have wanted her to stay more than one night
I agree with others – it should be obvious to her that your mom should take precedence over her (and would even if she weren’t a lactation consultant), and if it doesn’t, well, that’s her problem. And mr. chipmunk should emphasize that to her. (I sympathize with your husband – my mom acts a little like your MiL, and I’ve had to play buffer between her and my husband. It’s not fun, and I’ve had to learn to do it.)
Not when it comes to being a grandparent…when it comes to helping the new Mom through one of the hardest things she’ll ever do. Real Mom takes precedence over MIL for comforting her daughter, that’s all.
No - but real mom takes precedence over MIL when it comes to helping new mom cope and heal.
Look, I can tell my mom to fuck off. Literally, I could say ‘Mom, fuck off.’ and she would be annoyed but would get over it 'cus she’s my mom. *
If I tell my MIL to fuck off, even if I’m in labour, I’m probably going to get a divorce. You just can’t talk to your inlaws the same way you can talk to your own parents.
Yeah, as the mother of sons, I’m reading this thread with increasing sadness. Seems like I’m really going to be less than nobody when my grandchildren eventually arrive, being only the paternal grandmother.
I don’t think a MIL is less than nothing when a new baby is in the picture, but when you go through a big huge fucking deal (and maybe medical ordeal to boot) you want your mommy. At least I did when I had my first. And for some women MIL just isn’t a ready substitute.
