Am I not "growing up" fast enough?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am consistently informed that my father thinks I am not “growing up” at an appropriate rate. He thinks that I’m socially delayed and that I’m going to encounter a multitude of problems within a couple years.

Here’s my situation:

I’m nineteen, female and a college sophomore, currently attending a four-year university that is about eighty miles from my hometown. I live in an on-campus apartment with three other female roommates (though my boyfriend stays over enough that he might as well live there). I am a full-time student, taking fifteen credits next semester. I’m doing very well in my classes, well enough to receive good scholarships and maintain a position on the Dean’s list.

I do not own a car, and never have. I have no need for one at present moment, because I walk to all of my classes and can ride the bus or hitch a ride with my roommate to buy groceries. I am not employed; I have only worked for a week in my life, when I attempted a telemarketing job and discovered that, while I was good with the customer service aspect, I’m emotionally incapable of doing that sort of work. I’m considering applying for a job as a coffee shop barista next semester, but there is very little other work available without being able to drive.

As for my relations, I get along excellently with my roommates, one of whom has been my best friend for years. I have a boyfriend who I am very committed to; we have both grown with each other, in ways that make me proud to be who I’ve become since I’ve been with him. My future (and present) with him is one of my greatest priorities. We have lived together before, and I anticipate doing so again, before too awfully long. He’s also the person who introduced me to the Dope. winks at Alistair McCello

To the point: I recognize that, when it comes to owning a car and employment, I am far behind most of my peers. However, when compared to the same group, I am also much more developed, in terms of relationship and friendship management. To my dad, the fact that I’m unemployed and vehicle-less far outweighs my social development. I’m wondering if that’s what the majority of the Dope would say as well.

2

I didn’t own a car until I was 22. So far, I’m still doing OK with adulthood.

You’re fine. Don’t worry.

3

It sounds like you’re kinda light in the work history department. But that’s narrower than “growing up”. Sounds like you have the other elements of growing up very nicely under control.

Whether you’re somehow stunted in workplace development, or just in a situation where jobs are not accessible for carless students, your posting doesn’t really make clear. Sounds like you could be anyplace on that spectrum. How big a part of growing up that is varies for each of us.

What does “I’m emotionally incapable of doing that sort of work” mean? If it means you think nobody should be willing to call people and bother them, then please accept my compliments. Nobody should be, at least in my opinion.

I’m not hearing much wrong in your posting. I guess you’re probably doing fine, at least on the basis of your posting.

4

Maturity is one of those things that no one can properly define but many people are quick to point out how much people lack it. Really, some people can grow up to be perfectly functional adults without ever owning a car. If you don’t need it then don’t have one, otherwise it’s just an extra expense. I’m 24 and have so far successfully avoided ever owning a car. I intend to keep it this way as long as I can.

As for having a job, you’re in college, enjoy yourself! If you need the money then go for it, but don’t feel as if you need a job just to prove something. Having a job isn’t a sign of anything, even mentally disabled people can have jobs.

My philosophy is to enjoy youth as long as possible. You have the whole rest of your life to be an adult, and once you cross that threshold, there’s no going back.

5

Well, I’m 36 and I’ve never had a driver’s license. Pretty sure I can still be tried as an adult.

The “worked one week in my life thing” concerns me a bit, depending on what exactly your financial needs are, and how exactly they’re being met. Frankly, if you’re not financially independent, then you’re *not * an adult, but at 22, that hardly places you out of line with your peers.

If you don’t mind my asking, what exactly *are * you doing for money? Because if it’s all coming from Dad, he’s got a right to bitch about your lack of employment.

6

I typed a response very similar to DianaG’s and then deleted it, because it seemed snarky. But I agree with her–so long as Dad is paying the bills, you’re still a kid. What do you plan on doing after you graduate?

7

Aaaaaaand, I just noticed that the OP is nineteen, not 22, so financial independence at her age would be just this side of extraordinary these days.

That said, if Dad has been providing her with spending money all these years, he is, IMO, entirely to blame for her lack of work experience.

8

I’m not sure I’d say that whether Dad supports you financially determines whether you’re an adult (some rich people live their entire lives on inherited money; these people are still adults, just very lucky ones) but I would definitely suspect that your father’s insistence that you need to “grow up” is parent code for “I’m sick of paying for you”. Getting a job will not actually make you more mature, but it will get your dad off your back, which is an important step in becoming an adult.

9

Screw a car. I didn’t even get a driver’s license until I was almost 21. I didn’t want to pay insurance.

I also didn’t get a job that paid wages until I was 20 and in my second summer of college. Prior to that I mowed lawns and such for spare cash.

Last I checked I was a successful adult and surrounded by others who pursued their own paths to adulthood regardless of what others might think.

Live YOUR life. Don’t live the life your parents want.

10

A combination of both. There are options available to me (the coffee shop being one of them), but they are only food service positions. I would be capable of doing them, but it would be difficult to work them into my schedule, since my classes are very spread out throughout the day. However, I haven’t proven myself very adept at holding a job either.

It means that I could not handle the stressors of the job. Calling people who incessently hung up on me, said “I’m not interested”, or the occasional “do you realize how rude you are?!”, doing this nonstop for hours, often be able to do the work.

DianaG and KSO, I do have a fair amount of money to my name, but I am currently dependent on my parents for health care, rent, and food expenses, and will be for another 2 1/2 years, and most likely my saved money will run out by then (it goes toward tuition). I know perfectly well that I’m not an “adult” yet, and won’t be for a while; I’m just concerned about my level of development at this stage in the game, whether I’m doing anything now that will make it difficult for me to accomplish adult tasks after I get my bachelor’s degree.

KSO, I have no idea what I’ll be doing after I graduate, which is another one of my problems. I still have a couple years yet, but I honestly don’t know where I’ll be headed. So far, my plans are to major in Liberal Studies, emphasis in Social Relations (useless, I know) and to minor in Writing. I’d love to work for a graphic design company though.

WF Tomba, that is one of the major reasons why I would be getting a job soon anyway, for the “step towards becoming adult” aspect. I also know that the experience is vital for future employment opportunities, and that’s my biggest reason for needing to be employed soon.

11

I think you’re doing pretty well- I’m 19 as well, never owned or learned how to drive a car, and am full-time student living on-campus except during winter and summer break, when I come back home. I do have a job, though, and I’ve been employed for all but a few months from the end of my sophomore year of high school to now, with paid babysitting gigs before that.

You said that it’s hard for someone who doesn’t drive to get a job in your location. Are you sure there aren’t more on-campus jobs? At my university there are a lot- some aren’t very appealing in my view, like custodian, but there’s food service (that’s what I do, and I actually like it), working in the library, clerical work in most departments, and a variety of other jobs that are more specific to majors. My ex-roommate is going to be a bus driver next semester, although of course that takes a driver’s license.

In my close friend group, only one friend has a car- and she is often the least “mature” of us in a variety of ways. Cars aren’t indications of maturity. But not having a job- well, that bugs me a little.

12

Car ownership is very low on the list of character building, but work experience and learning the work ethic are right up there. Socializing and extracurricular activities are important learing experiences, but they need to be balanced w/ self discipline and learning to deal w/ adversity. Future perspective employers aren’t going to be interested in your vehicle ownership, but they’ll be very interested in your past employment and very likely in your general life experience.
All else being equal, many young people make a mistake in commiting to a romantic relationship. Such relationships are limiting, in that you’re often basing decisions on what your partner thinks/wants, rather than what’s best for you.
So I think your father’s view is more objective than yours, even if he’s a bit biased in being overly protective and having high expectations.

13

Car ownership means nothing as regards maturity.

Never having had a job - that’s more debatable. I do think it’s a factor. There’s a lot to be said for supporting yourself as far as maturity is concerned.

But at your age and place in life, it’s not all that unusual.

14

You win the thread.

I don’t really understand how owning a car would make someone an adult; if anything, I knew a lot of people who probably went out and bought cars too quickly. Having your own car means very little in terms of growing up, and if you can walk most places it’s pointless.

I admit, though, at being somewhat alarmed that a nineteen-year-old would have only one week of work experience in her entire life. Even for a relatively privileged kid, that’s weird. What did you do during the summer? On weekends? I’d be worried if my kid got to 19 years old and had never worked a real job. The skill sets developed by working are critically, centrally important to having a successful life.

Developing friendships is great and everything, but “I have a lot of friends” is not a very impressive statement of personal ability and, in any event, is so subjective that it could mean almost anything. “I have never held a job except for one job I could take for only a week” is very concerning.

15

In general, how do you feel about your dad’s judgement? Is he insightful about people and situtations? Do you and he talk? If he typically has poor judgement, put it out of your mind. But if you do typically trust his insights and he does know you fairly well, pay more attention to his conclusions than to his reasons–he may be reluctant or shy to talk about his actual reasons for thinking things, since they may be unflattering to you, or personal in areas that fathers and daughters don’t really cover (i.e., it may be specifics about your romantic relationship that seem immature to him but he’s uncomfortable bringing it up).

If you think he’s a smart man, this might be a good cue that you should spend some time in self-reflection, not looking defensively for proof of maturity but honestly, in your own mind, exploring what he might be talking about. But if he has a long history of talking out his ass, let it go.

16

I agree with Manda JO. Your external criteria seem to fit your age just fine, but its possible your father isn’t talking about a car and friends and a job. He is talking about your choices in friends and your choices in how you spend your time when not working on being on the Deans List, and the attitudes and values you hold being immature for your age. In which case, he may have a point or he may not, I don’t know you well enough to tell, and have no clue as to the validity of your father’s judgments. But you know yourself and your father. If he is usually right about such things, it may be time to step back and look at yourself.

17

Leiko, at my university, the vast majority of the library jobs and clerical jobs require work study, one of the forms of financial aid that the FAFSA awards, and I did not receive it. I applied for postal delivery work, but wasn’t called. Food service is an option, but I’m going to search for work anywhere else first. My roommates work in the food service venues on campus, and their managers are completely incompetent, scheduling them for work during exam hours and overlapping shifts, etc. I’m very wary of working there.

RickJay, I admit to being very immature about getting employment during my high school years; I avoided it as much as possible. However, last summer I had a whole slew of circumstances that prevented me from being steadily employed then. I certainly wouldn’t say “I have a whole lot of friends”; what I meant by the relationship statements was that I am capable of making compromises and working together with others to achieve common goals, our goals specifically being to maintain a “household” together and to establish trust and open communciation with each other. We are the type that are able to solve nearly every disagreement by discussion and negotiation, rather than argument.

Manda JO, my dad is one of those strange cases where sometimes he has excellent insight, and the other times he is completely off base. I’ve always been unclear about when I should listen to what he says and when I should ignore it, thus being part of my reason for posting this in the first place.

18

A.R. Cane, I know that employers will be very concerned with past work experience, which is why I realize that I need to find something rather soon. My plans for this summer are probably to remain in the city where my college is located, get a car and thus get a job then (as I will have more time, not being a full-time student then, and there won’t be any on-campus jobs open anyway).

As for the relationship aspect, my peers do rather make the odds turn against me. However, I’ve never felt as proud of anything as I have of the accomplishments I’ve made with him. I cannot guarantee the stability of our relationship, no one can do that for anyone; but I am not afraid of changing and growing with him. Being a person who has always been afraid of taking “the next step” throughout life, this is a huge accomplishment for me and my own personal growth towards “maturity”.

Dangerosa, I suspect my dad’s disapproval is about exactly what he says it is. He does not have any problems with my choice of friends or significant other. I imagine he thinks my spare time should be occupied with working, and that I have an “immature attitude” about not doing so. He would not be far off base about that.

19

I can see why you’re avoiding food service. I’m lucky- the food service on campus gives you one schedule for the semester, based on when you say you’re available. Hours only change during finals- you don’t work shifts conflicting with tests. And I have work-study, so I’m lucky there- even if I am just using it to make burritos. (I applied for jobs that sounded interesting and even a few that didn’t because I liked how much they paid; food service got back to me first.)

To make life slightly easier, ask yourself, Do you absolutely need a car to get an off-campus job, or could a bicycle or public transportation do the job? I don’t know how your town is structured, but I could easily walk (not even bike, just walk) from my dorm to several hotels, a grocery store, a movie rental place, several restaurants, and a host of other shops and other employers.

20

Just chiming to say, as others have, not owning a car has bupkus to do with being mature or growing up. In some ways not having a car and being able to handle your day-to-day business in a major US city (that isn’t NYC) makes you pretty mature.

As others have said, never working more than a week at your age is a bit out there. I have 15 years on you, granted, but everyone I knew in my working- to middle-class neighborhood had at least a summer job and most of us worked part-time in HS. Because that’s where we got money to buy clothes, pay for gas for the car… oh yeah, I guess you wouldn’t need that…

There are probably a ton of jobs on campus. How about working with your college’s orientation program? I would suggest being an RA but you’re off campus. Or being a peer advisor in your college? Ask a prof who you’ve impressed for ideas on what you can do. And don’t discount the importance of volunteer work - you can often turn those into paid positions if you do a great job.

Are there people at your school who have great on-campus jobs? Ask them how they got the job. Get to know your dean of students. The health center too - those are departments who often employ students.

I also think it’s a little unfair for Dad to call you out if he’s happily paid the bills all the way. He’s the mature one; he should have directed you to find work much earlier in life than now. (I looked forward to my first job but plenty of my friends had to be “encouraged” by their folks to get a job.)