Am I out of line?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s the deal:

My husband and I just purchased all new appliances for our kitchen. We got all stainless steel: a fridge, a stove and a dishwasher. (they look AWESOME, btw).

Anyway, after we ordered them, I told him that I really didn’t want him telling anyone how much they cost. Mainly this was because I didn’t want people thinking that we’d spent too much money, or that we were over-extending ourselves or anything along those lines… His parents tend to nose around about money, and I just didn’t think they needed to be in the loop on this.

You kind of have to understand a little bit about his family. Once ONE of them knows something, the whole family knows it. It’s like they practically have a call list. haha

Anyway, I specifically told him not to tell anybody how much we paid for our appliances. Fast forward to lunch with his brother and sister and their spouses. The nosey brother comes right out and says “Stainless steel? That must have cost an arm and a leg. How much did you pay for that!?!?!”

And my husband answered! Right there in front of the brother, the sister and both spouses. He just rattled the price right off!!!

I gave him a nasty look, and I said “Didn’t we JUST talk about this last night!! You know I didn’t want you telling people how much that stuff cost!”

He said “Well he asked me!”

And then the brother (and his wife) both got ticked off at me, and said “Well, it’s not like he just told us! We asked him about it!”

In my opinion, it was rude of the brother to ask, and it was rude of my husband to go ahead and tell them! ESPECIALLY since I told him the night before not to TELL ANYONE!

grrrrrrrrrrr

Anyway, what do you think? He thinks that I am making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I am.

I hope this post makes sense!

2

Nope-I think you’re absolutely correct to be annoyed.
Personally, I think it’s pretty tacky that his siblings asked in the
first place.
However, what would tick me off even more is that you specifically requested that he keep mum on the subject and he blurted it out anyway.
What wrong with a laughing; “Too much” or “You don’t even want to know.”
Those are my standard replies when pressed by nosey friends or relatives.

3

Even within family, I think it’s extremely rude to question someone about the price of something. The only exception I might make to this is if someone was truly interested in knowing so they themselves could purchase said item.

Finances are (or should be) a personal matter. My husband and I have had a bumpy ride, but we’re doing well. We may not have spent our money where others think we should have, but its our choice to make.

I wouldn’t read too much into the whole situation, but you were definitely not out of line.

4

Well, my husband and I would never tell his brother and sister-in-law what we spend because it might make them feel bad. It’s not our fault that we make more money and can buy nicer things. Then again, they don’t generally ask such questions. Usually money discussions come up when someone is shopping for a big ticket item and everyone tosses in observations/recommendations/recent sale prices/what Uncle Fred’s neighbor spent…

I don’t recall my sibs ever bringing it up either, beyond saying such things as “We’d like to get <something> but we can’t swing it now.” or “We got a surprise bonus so we decided to buy <something else>”

Personally, I think your husband was inconsiderate at the very least, since you’d already talked to him about this.

5

A better responce would have been to slap him in the back of the head and say, “Idiot, no sex for you tonight!”

Or at least a funnier responce for people watching in the peanut gallery.

6

It sounds like your husband maybe has a different idea of what “don’t tell” means - maybe he interpreted it as “don’t brag”, i.e., don’t say ‘these are our new appliances that we just got, and they cost $X’. Either that or he blurted it out without thinking and is trying to escape blame, especially since you called him on it in public.

I’m not trying to defend what he did, just looking at it from a different way. When I talk with my husband about not telling costs (his family is way too nosy about money as well, and it really bothers him too), we both understand what it means when we’re not going to talk about price. Maybe this habit of his family doesn’t bug him as much as it does you, and so he just wasn’t thinking.

7

I don’t think it even matters what the issue was. You asked him not to do x, he agreed, and then did it anyway. That, from my point of view, is the problem.

He probably won’t see it that way – he’ll say that it would be unreasonable to flat-out refuse to answer his brother’s question. But if he thought that was unreasonable, he should have brought that up in the conversation that you initiated about not discussing the cost of the appliances.

IMO. You are certainly not out of line.

8

There are lots of family dynamics out there. Some people are really not that all that private about the cost of things and the price of material objects is shared among family members in a “good for you to have something that nice” manner without wheel barrels full of judgment attached.

If I was used to sharing this kind of info within the family and I was forbidden to answer questin by family along this line by a slightly paranoid wife, I might easily forget that admonition if asked the question directly by a family member simply because withholding the price of material possessions from a family member is not something I am used to or comfortable with.

You need to learn to pick your battles. If price privacy is that important to you, you need to understand the highly awkward and uncomfortable inter-familial position you are putting your husband in and decide if making him tell his family “Sorry, need to know only” about this normally shared info is worth it.

Suppose he told you he didn’t want you sharing XXX info with your family, which you are used to sharing with them and see as harmless. How would you feel or react? Go from there.

9

Personally, I can’t understand why anybody would ever ask that kind of question. My response on occasions when I am asked is, “Why? Are you gonna pay for it?”

Breezy, if your parents in-law tend to give you and your husband grief over how much you pay for stuff, feel free to use my line. Some people are just way too damn nosy.

10

Okay, husband might have been a dweeb for telling, but in my opinion, it’s not that big a deal. They can go to any appliance store and find out. I mean, it’s not like asking how much money you make or anything. It’s common knowledge for anyone who makes the effort. They just wanted to save themselves the hassle. I’d let it go.

11

They should not have asked the question. None of their business.

He should not have answered, especially after he told you he wouldn’t.

You should not have busted his chops in front of his family. That could have waited for when you were alone. Calling him on it in front of them put him in a very awkward position.

12

So?

He agreed not to tell.

13

Um, actually we don’t know that he agreed not to tell. Breezy has so far only said that she told him not to.

Breezy, can we get a clarification?

14

I would have said “My wife doesn’t want me discussing the price, and she asked me to not talk about it.”

Yeah right. I don’t know what kind of relationship you people have with your families, but that just seems kind of silly.

15

Very good point, Scarlett67.

16

I think you guys are right, I probably shouldn’t have said anything right there in front of everyone. I was just seeing red at my rude brother-in-law, and at the fact that my husband did exactly what I asked him NOT to do.

To be honest, I really don’t think he said “Okay, I won’t say anything.” when we talked about it, but he knew how I felt.

Does that answer the questions asked of me?

17

It’s just not worth a major family brawl, in my opinion. Like I said earlier, they can find out at any appliance store. It’s obvious to anyone that stainless is more costly than the run-of-the-mill appliance, so keeping it a secret just doesn’t really serve a purpose. I’d kiss and make up.

18

We aren’t still fighting about it or anything. I’m just annoyed.

I think I probably did make a bigger deal than I should have about it, I guess I just think it’s rude for people to automatically say “How much did you pay for that?”

I’m in the process of letting it go, now. haha

19

I was wrong. I agree with the rest of you now.

20

Most of the notions of what is private I learned at my grandmother’s knee, and personal finances are near the top of the list. Part of that may be due to her Depression Era experiences when you never purposely humiliated someone by asking them to tell you how little money they had – I don’t know. But you can probably consider these Oklahoma working class rules.

Even now, though, I would never ask someone how much they made or how much something cost. When my wife and I first moved into our new home, a neighbor asked, “So how much did this cost?” I was so flabbergasted at his chutzpah, I’m not sure what I said. Probably something like, “Enough, that’s for sure.”

In my little rule book, though, I find that there’s some exceptions – I haven’t really thought about why. One exception is one male (they have to be male – again, I don’t know why) showing off his new computer or car, or whatever, and the other male whistling appreciately, saying, “That must have set you back.” The one male can then in turn say, “Damn right, $X00!” However, you’re never supposed to volunteer the information; it’s considered bragging.

Another problematic area is with relatives. When I bought my last new vehicle, my brother asked, “Do you mind if I ask how much it cost?” and I told him, mostly so he could commiserate about my increased debt.

In any event, in my world, there are some things that are just private. My wifes’s rules are a little different. She has no problem telling passing acquaintances about somethings that would make me blush. However, if I specifically asked her to keep something private (that is, within the family and very close friends), she’d respect my wishes, as silly as she might find them.

That’s the biggest problem I have with this episode. “But he asked me”? – give me a break. Disrepsect for your wishes, pure and simple.