Am I overreacting? (Co-worker trouble; LONG)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s the situation.

About a month ago, I was given notice that I had to attend a work training session in another city. It wasn’t unexpected; all new recruits have to go for orientation, respect training, etc. I looked forward to going. However, because it is another city, and I’ve only had my driver’s license for five months or so, I wasn’t comfortable with driving myself on the freeway into a strange new city. Downtown, at that. I’m still getting the hang of my own neighbourhood!

Anyway, there were two meetings scheduled. One was inconvenient for me, but possible, if I caught a ride with some workers from another store. The one a week after was better for me, but only one person was going that I could catch a ride with. However, he is a co-worker of mine, and I knew and (thought I) trusted him. I asked him if it would be a problem, since he had to go, and he said “Sure, no problem.”

So, the weeks went by, and we even joked about me having to spend three hours with him in a vehicle, listening to his music, and the like. Just being silly. We always got along really well, worked well together, etc. He seemed like good people.

The meeting was this Wednesday. On Monday, I had the day off. I bought a new outfit for the meeting (have to look professional), an overnight bag (the company was putting us up in a hotel), made plans, spent money, etc. We were to leave work early on Tuesday and head off so we could get there at a reasonable hour. I said my goodbyes to my husband and family, made arrangements for the vehicles, etc. I went in to work extra early, to ensure I got my eight hours in.

When I got in, the assistant manager was relieved, because my co-worker - my ride - had called in sick, and he [ass. manager] was all alone at the store. My heart sank. He hadn’t called in sick, by the way, he emailed in sick. We tried for hours to get him on the phone, no luck. Eventually, the ass. manager emailed him to find out if he was going to the big training meeting. He emailed back that he wasn’t going.

He wasn’t sick. I guarantee that. He told several co-workers on Monday that he was toying with the idea of not going at all, to see how far he could “push the envelope” and get away with it. Why? I don’t know. One of my co-workers, who has actually become a damn good friend of mine, spoke up and told him that he had to realise that he wasn’t the only person who would be affected by this. His answer? “I don’t care.” When my friend told him “It’s not all about you,” he responded, smiling, “yes it is.” My friend didn’t believe him - thought he was just pulling his leg, joking around. I mean, he couldn’t be serious, right? That’s the way he joked around a lot, too. So no more was thought of it.

So, Tuesday, calls were made, and thankfully, because I’ve got some friends in high places in the company, we managed to get things shifted around. It was a giant hassle, and I am ever thankful to all of those who chipped in and helped me out. My husband works for the same company, and what had to happen was they gave him Wednesday off, got the manager from another store to come and cover for him, cancelled the hotel reservations (though the company can’t get the money back for that, they understood and helped us out), and ended up with my husband and I driving down to Portland at 3:00 AM, after I pulled a 12 hour shift because I was shafted into coming in early* and staying until someone came to pick me up, due to the previous car arrangements.

Not happy.

However, the training went well, I was happy with it, though I do wish I could have been more awake so I could have given them my fullest attention. Drove back home, both of us nodding off. It was dark when we got here.

So, okay, fine, I go back into work today. Co-worker/jerk is there in the morning. He says good morning to me, and I say good morning to him, but I say nothing more. I go about my work. He doesn’t offer an apology at any time. At one point, he comes up to me, smiling, and says, “I guess I’m not your favourite person at work right now, huh?” Not looking up from my project, I simply say, “I suppose that’s a small price to pay for not having to go to Portland.” He laughs and walks away.

Throughout the day, I continue to speak to him if it needs to be done, but otherwise, no more laughing and joking around like we used to. I’m just not feeling it anymore, you know? My assistant manager (the manager is on vacation) comes to have a word with me just before lunchtime, telling me that “[Co-worker] says you’re not speaking to him?” I almost lost it. However, I took a deep breath, and told him that I was indeed speaking to him, but I was keeping it professional. Ass. manager knows what happened, and he told me he was happy to hear that I was being professional about it. That was all he needed, and he understood that I wasn’t pleased with the guy right now.

Later on, in the afternoon, co-worker/jerk, never speaking directly to me, would speak loudly to another worker, “Stasia understands why I won’t go to the store meeting tonight!” (There was a smaller store meeting after work tonight, though it was cancelled later) and “Stasia’s my BEST PAL!” I said nothing. However, I walked over to the ass. manager and I told him that if the jerk’s behaviour keeps up, I will go over his head to someone at corporate HR. He must have said something to the jerk, because this behaviour stopped for the rest of the day.

My husband, who was affected by this whole ridiculous mess, is angry with him. He is going to have a word with him in person. I’m worried that it’s going to come to blows because this guy really does not care. Me? I’m not pleased, but I don’t hate the guy. I just have zero respect for him. I don’t think he realises how many people his foolishness affected. And if he did, well, I’m afraid he just won’t care.

He could have told me from the start he didn’t really want to go. He could have called me Tuesday morning. Or Monday night. Just give me a heads up, right? No, he never told me at all. I was told second-hand that he wasn’t going. And he never offered an apology of any kind.

Sigh. So what do you think, Dopers? Am I overreacting? Should I stay the course? Should I whale on his ass (figuratively)? Just get over it and go back to normal? What would you do?

    • I’ll grant that I could have come in at my normal time, gotten fewer hours, and even didn’t have to work for the last few hours. But what was I going to do? I was at work, stuck there waiting for my husband to finish his shift, I might as well work - they were short handed, anyway, I’d feel like an ass to just leave them there while I sat on my ass in my uniform. But still. Grant me a little angry license, here! :wink:
2

The guy’s a jackass and you don’t owe him anything beyond your what your job entails. He willingly and knowingly screwed you over and you have a perfect right to be angry with him.

3

Ditto. You’re being way nicer than I would be. And way nicer than he deserves.

4

I wouldn’t let your husband yell at him. The saying “Never wrestle with a pig, you’ll just end up dirty and the pig likes it.” comes to mind. Obviously, this guy doesn’t care about his job, purposefully ditching something that sounds pretty mandatory and his flippant attitude about it should show you that your husband has more to lose.

Lesson learned. Really.

5

Is your co-worker a new recruit as well? I’m thinking that as long as he “pushes the envelope”, he’ll eventually get his. I wouldn’t keep a guy around who doesn’t care about his job.

I’d continue to be professional towards him because that makes you look better. I wouldn’t be overly friendly, though. He’s a jerk, and you and your co-workers and assistant manager all know it.

[sub] “Ass. manager” cracked me up! We have a “Lead Assembler” at my company who has been known to abbreviate her title to “Lead Ass.”[/sub]

6

I think you’re handling it just right and for your husband to confront him would be a huge mistake. Give guys like this enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. If he pushes it, just tell him it’s a matter of trust and respect and he’s already shown where he stands on those two issues. Don’t get drawn into an argument, you can’t win, he’s living in his own little world where he’s the only one that matters.

7

What a little shit that guy is. You have every right to be pissed, and being completely, coolly, utterly professional is the only response you can have. You’ve done the right thing. Don’t have your husband confront him. Sooner or later, Jerkface will be gone.

8

I was coming in to say this, but you summed it up far better than I could.

9

Thanks for your input, guys. When I get into a situation like this, I feel I should ask those outside the situation what they think. I’m too close to the action; I don’t always know if I’m overreacting or being too lenient.

I spoke to my husband earlier, telling him I really didn’t think it was any good to speak to him. He can be a little snarly when you push the right buttons, and this guy pushed them all. As he said: “He disrespected me, the regional manager (who is also our good friend), and the entire [neighbourhood name] workplace, who are all good friends. And first and foremost, he disrespected my wife, and I just want him to know where I stand on that matter.” I think it mostly had to do with the matter of the jerk calling him earlier this morning, greeting him with a cheery “Hi! It’s your favourite person!” and he had to deal with him - since it was ultimately a work matter. He, too, handled it professionally, but he didn’t like the fact that, on the phone, he couldn’t effectively convey the whole “I don’t like or respect you” that, say, I can, by being in person. The best he could do was mutter an annoyed “What do you want?” and handle the work-related conversation in a work-related way.

I told him I still don’t think it would do anything, and he just shrugged and said he wanted to make sure it was crystal clear. Thankfully, it seems like the next time he will be able to see this guy face to face won’t be for about a week - tonight’s meeting being cancelled, there is no other reason for them to see each other. The meeting is on for next week, though. I hope that gives my husband some decent cooling off time. He’s a quiet, gentle man who never gets very riled up about anything, normally. This isn’t “normally”, though.

Coming to blows would be the last thing my husband would want, but I don’t know if he realises how smarmy this guy is about the whole thing. Hell, I wanted to hit him. When it gets that personal (whether he intended it to be or not, it is now), things get irrational.

As for me, like I said, I keep it strictly professional. No smiles, no going out of my way to tell him anything, no anecdotes about so and so, no, hey, [Jerk!], didja hear the one about the… I nod, I page when specifically asked for, I explain what needs explaining, but that’s it. My day isn’t dreary, because I’m still the exact same with my other co-workers as I always was, being silly, having fun, etc. If he’s there, I direct my attention to the others, and speak directly to them. I still hum as I work. My husband worried about it pulling me down in that way, but it doesn’t; everything is normal except for how I speak to and react to that guy.

My ass. manager (hee) says that the jerk seems to think that if he just acts like nothing happened, then we will all just forget about it and it will blow over. No.

It was a big training meeting. It was mandatory. It was extremely informational and gave me great insight into the company. If I had missed it, I would be beyond pissed. I don’t care if he doesn’t give a crap about the company; I do, and pulling me into his foolish schemes to strike back at the man or whatever it is he’s trying to prove is unfair and just… good, old fashioned mean. I never ever did anything to him. I always tried to make his life with the company easier.

He’s 40 years old, by the way. No kids, thank goodness. He’s a big friggin’ baby.

10

Yes, he is absolutely a jerk.

That being said, if the meeting was mandatory, then the company should have been responsible for transporting you there. You should not have had to depend on someone else for a ride.

The fact is, you just can’t depend on most people. You should have never been put into a situation where you were dependent on some flaky jerk to get to a mandatory meeting.

Clearly he is a jerk and he is rude; but does that really surprise you? Didn’t you have any inkling that this guy might be a flake? You haven’t known him long, yet you put a lot of trust in him to drive you 3 hours there and 3 hours back. In hindsight, clearly that wasn’t a good idea.

Your husband should not say anything to him - you should. You should tell him point-blank how you feel, and stop playing the “silent treatment” game. Tell him, “you’re a prick, and other than things relating to work, I will not deal with you in any way. Got it, jackass?”

11

But that is not itself work-related.

-FrL-

12

Unless your husband has a professional reason for sticking his nose in (is he in the same company in the managment chain that deals with training?) he should keep his nose out.

And learn to drive – suck it up and drive into cities. There is no other way to learn.

13

As Boyo says, your husband needs to back off. I’m snarly at times, but work needs to be work.

I would report the incident to HR, though.

14

Seconded. And yes, the guy was an asshole, but your really need to become a confident driver if it’s part of your job.

15

You guys are completely correct with the driving part. I don’t drive on the freeway often, but there’s only one way to get used to it; do it. If it had come down to no other options, I would have driven myself, like it or not. A little heads up would have helped here, too; my husband and I were down to one car between us. One car was in the shop that day, since I wouldn’t be using it - hence the “vehicle arrangement”.

I had no idea he would flake on me like he did. We’ve been working together for about five months; not a terribly long time, but long enough to establish that he was a seemingly decent worker, who would take reasonable pains to remain on good terms with the company. It was a surprise to everybody.

I agree that my husband should stay out of it. Period. He’s not an unreasonable man; he just needs to cool off a bit. By the time he sees him next week, he should be fine.

As for the company re: the trip: they paid us for our mileage, and I also found out tonight, rather pleasantly, that I was also paid for the time spent actually driving - that’s a good six hours I was paid for, outside of the eight hour meeting. They schedule several meetings to ensure everyone finds a way to get there, compensate us generously, and give us plenty of heads up as to when and where the meetings will be. I attended the final one.

Lesson well learned for me, at least: don’t rely on anybody but myself when it comes to important stuff like that. I have another meeting next month. I will be transporting myself, thanks. While no one in the company blames me, I still can’t help but feel like an ass - I feel like I should have had a backup plan. Live and learn. Next meeting, I will make sure I have several routes. If one fails, go to Plan B. There should always be a Plan B.

Anyway, as I said, I just needed to hear if I was being an uber-bitch about the situation, or if my anger was justified. I get irrational (and sometimes whiny) when I feel slighted, and I’m trying to take the most mature route that I can handle. It helps to tell the story and get an outsider’s perspective. Normally I’d turn to my husband for that, but he’s involved in this one and is still trying to settle his own kicked up dust. And me, hell, I’ve been a doormat all my life; frankly, I’m still a little mouse-y in some areas. I need to start stepping up.

I’m getting better at driving. I started learning how to drive the Monte Carlo. When I turn that thing on, it makes a sound that could rend heaven asunder. Makes people think I’ve got balls. It’s a beast of a car. Vrooom! It does scare me a little tiny bit, though.

16

Great saying, as long as management know he’s a fool, that’s the most important thing. If this cow-orker was messing around behind his colleagues backs, but portraying himself to management as a decent worker, that would be a problem.

17

Great stuff.

No, you weren’t the uber-bitch. As I said, the guy was an asshole. I’d have been steaming too. Don’t worry about your husband too much either - more steaming from the ears is logical on his part. I would too. It’s what husbands do (c’mon, would you be happy if he just said “meh” and reached for the remote? :slight_smile: ) But then we all calm down and size things up a little more soberly.

You come out of this looking fine. Mr Asshole, not so much. Karma works, dammit!

18

Not much to add other than the guy’s a jerk and you’re handling it well. Unless your husband has some supervisory authority over the guy, he should stay out of it. It will just make you look unprofessional; i.e., you need your husband to stand up for you.

19

Why is that guy still working there? Does management not reserve the right to confirm suspicious absences? Because there are several obvious red flags about this absence - by email, not reachable by phone, comments to coworkers, coincided with missing mandatory training, cost the company money. Even if a doctor note isn’t generally required for one-day absences, most companies with a clue write their policies with some discretion for situations where they suspect a problem. He’s costing the company productivity now, because you know this is dragging down morale. Management should cut its losses on this guy, now.

The irony that the required training included something called “respect” training is rich. Perhaps this coworker was afraid of embarassing himself by failing so dramatically in a public setting. I picture everyone else whipping through the 10-question mini-quiz at the end, and him sweating bullets in an empty classroom two hours later :slight_smile:

And, while I agree you should make sure to get the driving experience you need, don’t feel bad for not being ready for it at that time. You should prepare by reviewing the route and stuff the first time you try that. People who underestimate their skill as drivers cause some inconvenience. People who overestimate their skill as drivers cause wrecks.

20

I think the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. Your career and your reputation haven’t suffered, the co-worker showed his true colors, and what’s done is done. Treat him with professional respect and move on. There’s just not enough damage here to even consider it for another moment.