Background: I’m a 27 year old woman, one of only two female singers in a gay men’s chorus. A recent survey of the Chorus came to the result that the Chorus, by a large majority, came to the conclusion that women, as a whole, should NOT be invited to be singing members.
(I honestly don’t know if that has any bearing on the following).
At a rehearsal last night, a man came up to me and said that he should sit across from me more often. Totally clueless, I asked him why. “Because I like looking at your breasts” was his response.
… I didn’t say anything at the time, but the comment is bothering me today. The few people I’ve brought the issue to seem to think it’s no big deal, that the comment was probably made in fun, and that I should get over it.
Thoughts, anyone? Am I totally being oversensitive?
I’d be very bothered. That is a line being crossed, who cares if he was gay or not, it was a line that shouldn’t have been broken. I’d confront him on it, as long as it is safe for you to do so.
I can’t say if you should be offended or not, since you were there and I wasn’t.
Personally, I don’t think I would be offended by it…but, then, I’m hard to offend. That comment from a GAY man would seem pretty harmless, and I would not feel threatened by it since obviously gay men aren’t going to try to push for sex. I’d just take it as a compliment, like being complimented on hair or clothes.
It seems fairly common for gay guys to have an interest in women’s boobs without wanting any sort of sexual contact with the woman.
If this happened to me in a straight men’s chorus that had recently voted not to include women, I’d suspect the person who made that remark was trying to make me uncomfortable and bring about my departure. I don’t know whether the fact it’s a gay chorus makes any difference, it seems like a fairly offensive remark anyway. Maybe it’s time to look for a chorus that is happy to have women members?
And to e-logic - my dad was a member for years, and I used to turn pages for the pianist. A friend of mine is directing this year, so I auditioned, and got in on my own terms.
The thing about making off-color jokes is that you have to be able to read someone’s mood and figure out if it’s the right moment for your edgy sense of humer. Either he failed to realize the comment would be unwelcome, or he did realize but didn’t care. If I thought it was the latter, I’d be offended.
Vocal tone and facial expression are missing here, which makes it difficult to interpret possible meaning and whether offense is justified. Is this someone you’ve socialised with before who might feel comfortable joking with you? Or someone who you’ve never really spent time with making this comment out of the blue? If the latter, I’d be taken aback at best, unless the comment included a wink and a grin, at which point I’d be rather bemused, but not particularly offended.
Being a friend of the director this year may have some wondering if you’re there because of that friendship, especially if this is the first year women have been part of the chorus. I’m not sure I’d have the temerity to audition for a men’s chorus (gay or otherwise), regardless of prior association. Open hostility would be a poor way for these fellows to express their displeasure at your presence, but I can understand why some might feel like you’re invading their territory.
I’m not the first woman in the Chorus, FYI. But there have been plenty of people who have been openly hostile, and even more who have been quietly hostile. :rolleyes:
The comment was almost definitely made in what this guy thought was jest. I just didn’t find it funny.
I would not like that comment from anyone except my husband. I joke around with co-workers often, and often off-colour, but that is a line that I don’t cross, and I don’t want them to cross either (and I don’t think anyone ever has). The line about staring at my breasts would make me very uncomfortable, gay man or not.
If you think he was joking, and didn’t come across as hostile, taking offense to it is just going to create tension where there needn’t be any. You might not find the joke funny, and it may be crossing a line (again, not knowing what your relationship is with this man), but it sounds like you have enough potential hostility in the chorus without creating issues with someone who was (apparently) trying to be funny. He may have thought it would help relieve tension; sometimes people have very different ideas of what’s appropriate and humourous.
No whoosh, I assume gay meant homosexual here, but for a homosexual male to say he wants to look at a women’s breasts, I thought gay could be a chrous term I was not aware of.
Eh… gay men aren’t necessarily any more immune to the lure of breasts than straight men. There are few things more surreal than standing in a men’s leather club watching several pretty, young men ooh and ahh while feeling up your well-endowed lesbian friend (consent and general amusement on all sides).
That comment from a GAY man would seem pretty harmless, and I would not feel threatened by it since obviously gay men aren’t going to try to push for sex. I’d just take it as a compliment, like being complimented on hair or clothes.