Okay, this is my situation. My younger brother is in his late thirties. About nine years ago he started withdrawing from the family in a major way not showing up to family events that he always had before and not wanting anyone to come see him. This worried our mother so one day I snuck into his apartment building and knocked on his door and when I finally got him to open it the place was a pigsty unlike anything I had ever seen before. I didn’t say anything about that because I couldn’t think of anything to say but I got him to promise to call me if he needed anything.
A couple of weeks after that he called me very upset and asked me to come over. When I got there the place was the very reverse of what it had been before. More than spotless it was like he was about to move out. When I asked what was going on he broke down crying and told me that he had been thinking about committing suicide for months but had not wanted me or anybody to have to clean up after him which was why he had let the apartment get so filthy but that weekend he had finally started cleaning but once he started he could not stop and now he was afraid that nothing was between him and suicide so that is why he called me. So I got him out of there and took him to the doctor and he spent a few days in Lakeside which is the local mental institution here.
Okay that was 2003. Fast forward to last night. Went to see him so I could introduce him to my ladyfriend and his apartment was once again the pigsty. He insists that he is not going through the same cycle again and that nothing has happened to set him off. The thing is that so far as I know nothing set him off the last time. He had a good job and a girlfriend then but something was wrong in his brain and he just entered this bad spiral of sadness. Now he has a much worse job and no girlfriend and his finances are not the best and I am afraid for him. Also he never really got over his grief about out mother dying last year and I also know that he is pulling back from his friends and family again.
As I read over what I just wrote I have decided that over-reacting is the wrong word. I am almost sure he is going to the bad place again but the problem is I do not know what to say or do to get him to admit it so he can get help. I am willing to pay for psychotherapy but I have to persuade him to go. If anybody has any suggestions as to what I can say I would be very grateful. Thank you.
I don’t know whether your brother is having mental problems or not, but if you dropped by my place unannounced you might think the same thing about me. Gotta give people a heads up that you’re coming by so they have a chance to throw all of their garbage into the closet.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. It sounds pretty likely that the reason he’s withdrawing is because he’s suicidal again. You can’t prove that, of course, so you aren’t going to be able to get him involuntarily committed. If he is bound and determined to kill himself this time (and he’s older and wiser enough to hide it from you because he knows you’ll try to stop him), there may be nothing you can do. However, I do not think there would be any harm in going over there and sitting down with him, explaining your concerns, and offering to help him find a therapist.
In the end, keep this in mind: it’s wonderful that you were able to help him out the first time he was in this crisis. But you were only able to help him because he let you. If he doesn’t let you help him this time, it isn’t a poor reflection on you in any way. Some people just won’t accept the help. But he did accept it once before, so you should try again.
If you’re arguing with yourself about whether to bring this up with him, just compare the worst case outcomes. On one hand, the worst thing that could happen if you *do *speak up is, maybe he’ll be mad at you or hate you for a while. But the worst thing that could happen if you *don’t speak up is–he might kill himself thinking nobody cares about him. *Definitely speak up, your conscience will be clear… just don’t be surprised or take offense if he declines help.
You can offer or suggest help, but don’t assume that you know better than he does what is in his best interests. Psychiatric intervention is not one of those “gee it might help and hey it can’t hurt” type of things. Subjecting someone to psychiatric treatment can be worse for them than anything they’re going through right now.
Did you read the part when the first time around he was packing up and cleaning up his appartment because he was planning to kill himself, this is done because he didn’t want to bother relatives of the aftermath of his suicide in taking care of his things. A strong sign someone is serious about suicide. A person I work with lost her father to suicide and he did exactly the same as well. Cleaned up the place, got rid of stuff and put things in order. Given that he’s doing the same things again, his place is a mess and especially is withdrawing from family and friends, I don’t think he is overreacting at all. A person who is planning on taking thier own live is typically so far detached and ill to realize what their best interests are.
If it was me, I would get in touch with social services to see what could be done. Then actively get in touch with him weekly, if he doesn’t asnwer the phone or return your calls show up. Then get him out of the appartment take him out for a coffee or a meal to talk etc. Be there for him, just listen. Don’t offer soloutions at first , an non judgemnental ear is just helpfull.
Hopefully you can get him to talk to a proffesional at some point. Good luck.
I have a principle that I use for making decisions in difficult situations where I don’t know whether to do something or do nothing. I ask myself the question: “What are the consequences of a miscalculation?”
In this sitch, deciding you are overreacting and choosing to do nothing could have deadly consequences. Therefore I would do something. Figuring out what that is will take a little research IMHO. You could call a suicide hotline and ask for some suggested options. Or search for some organizations in your community that deal with suicide and research some options there. The fact that this first came up almost 10 years ago and may still be a problem is worrisome.
I have another principle, which may or may not apply here, but I believe people generally want to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. Possibly spending a couple of evenings a week with your brother so he won’t feel so lonely and so he knows that you care what happens to him. Not pressuring him to talk or anything, but also not freaking if he wants to talk. What to do may come out of that.