He lost his house, a couple years ago, & was living in a residence hotel.
He has not had a job for ages.
For years, he’s had trouble with depression. And anger.
I’ve been supporting him, but now, I have to stop. I’ve got to have money for my own old age, & I will be going back to work soon, in part because of the cash I’ve given him.
The VA will also be providing surgery, for a hernia that has damn near crippled huim.
Tommy needs help I cannot give.
Yet, I feel like a rat.
I dunno.
You can’t help others if you are unable to take care of yourself. You’re doing the right thing.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. It sounds like you have cared for him; you didn’t abandon him. He will now be getting the care he needs. As Chefguy said, you need to take care of yourself first. That’s not being selfish, it’s life. I hope you and your brother are both ok.
Neither of us.
He may sleep on the streets tonight.
Or not.
He is reticent about sharing, and not always truthful.
Like a damn fool I just sent him $550.
He practices emotional blackmail.
I am SO SICK of my fami;ly using guilt on me!
@Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor - You aren’t helping him, you’re enabling him. Put the oxygen mask on yourself, first.
StG
Yeah. It’s like the flight attendant pre-flight boilerplate: “Should an emergency situation occur, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first, before attempting to help those around you.”
ETA: DAMN! I am so ninja’d! I had read every post, except StGermain’s! Oh well.
You shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Tell your brother NO.
If your other family members try to tell you to keep supporting your brother, tell them that you will tell your brother that they are going to be supporting him now.
I’m so sorry.
But, yeah enabling is hurting him. You and possibly some humanity in his near vicinity, as well.
Tough love. It’s hard.
Talk to someone about it. A therapist can help you make the break.
He gets the medical help from the VA, he needs. May change his whole life. And he’ll be safe there. At least.
Good luck.
You’re all correct.
Except–I am the eldest.
I was always urged by Mom & Dad to look after my brothers & sister.
Hard habit to break.
Just because they are family, doesn’t mean the get to treat you like sh!t. After our parents were gone, my brother had to find someone else to take advantage of, and who better than “family”? I hade to put him at arm’s length to maintain my sanity and take care of my own family and responsibilities. As a result, he’s been less dependent on me and has found ways to get the professional care he needs. Sometimes tough love is the only way.
My brother and I have a very strained relationship.
He has been physically violent with most members of the family, including myself.
He has physical and mental health issues, which limits his ability to get work. These include depression, morbid obesity (400 pounds or so), and a hernia which he cannot get an operation on dues to his weight.
He lost his house, but walked away with more than $100k. Which is now gone.
I loaned him money at the time of the house loss, which he has repaid.
I have been sending him one or two thousand per month, for more than a year now. I am semi-retired, and though I have more cash, I may need an operation myself soon.
I am old, and I need the money I have for the coming years.
My Brother is about to become homeless. The VA is trying to help.
My Brother wants to move into my 730 square foot condo with me.
He has begged me over the phone. (He is in Florida, I in Tennessee.)
My Sister thinks he is a user. She is right–he borrowed large sums from my late Father, and never tried to repay them.
I think this is a disaster.
And I am gripped with shame and remorse.
Any form of advice is welcome.
Don’t move him to your house. That would be a bigger disaster.
Cut him off if you need the money.
Let him go to the VA. He’ll be sheltered, fed, and healthcare provided.
Yeah it’s gonna be hard.
Tough love is.
I feel for you. You’ve done your share and more.
Try not to feel bad. You’ve done enough. Keep telling yourself that. Chant it if necessary.
This is the nice response. I”d say, simply, fuck him.
I can’t say anything that @Beckdawrek has not said better, and with more honesty regarding care for both your brother and the need to care for yourself.
I can’t evaluate whether or not they’re a user, or just so used to being given help that they can’t imagine not being given help - sounds like this is the fist time (in spite of themselves) they may hit the equivalent of rock bottom. Not that there’s a lot of daylight between the two for that matter, more a thing of intent rather than outcomes!
The only thing I’d add is that if, in the future, with the help of the VA and/or other circumstances they’re in the process of getting back on their feet, maybe, IF your budget allows, offer some additional help then. But if you let him move in now, he’ll have zero reasons to not accept that as the new normal.
So yeah, once again, I’m very glad he has at least minimal support available through the VA - push him to use it. And if he says they can’t, or needs $X as a one time thing, get proof, then consider it as a last gesture of grace.
You don’t owe him anything just because you came from the same parents. You’ve done enough. He’s used you long enough. If you let him move in with you, you’ll regret it every single day, and you won’t be able to get him out. Let the VA handle it. What would he do if you weren’t around? Whatever it is, let him do that now.
I second everything said above. Cut him off. If the time comes when he’s able to live on his own, maybe help him with the expenses to get a cheap (very cheap) apartment. But not the rent. He has to be able to cover his living expenses on his own. You’re not his ATM.
StG
Do NOT, underline NOT, let him move in with you. Don’t do it. You won’t survive.
Get a list of shelters and homeless services in the area where he lives. When he calls to beg and plead, pick up that list and read it to him.
Your generosity of sending money every month might be construed as an agreement to help support him, and any benefits he may seek could be reduced by that amount. Talk to a lawyer.
Be strong.
~VOW
This is going to be hard.
I am too darn sentimental for my own good.
Two related threads merged.