My mother, other siblings and I have had to completely cuf off one of my brothers.
It’s not fun, but sometimes it’s the least worse option.
You will end up in a disaster, quickly learning that you cannot help someone who will not help themselves.
You’ve poured all you had into helping him. He’s still in the same spot. Just stop.
Step back. Tell him you’re tapped out.
Then…stand firm. NO MORE MONEY.
You do know it’s called tough love not because it’s tough on the sufferer, right? No. It’s because of how tough it is on the enabler!
You’re making him face something hard. You should face your hard part too. You can’t do his part, for him.
Focusing on how hard your part is, and demonstrating the very willpower you’d like him to manifest, seems a way better angle to me.
Good Luck!
My brother has been in and out of hospitals and group homes most of his life. He was married, had a child, and showed signs of paranoid schizophrenia in his 20’s. (he was a very heavy pot smoker before that, and doctors said that may have pushed him over into that illness). Lost it all… His mommy took care of her poor sick baby for many years, though we had a social worker who got him into an apartment living on his own for some years. Mommy drove him wherever he needed to go, she was his only friend… He turned his apartment into such a sty that he was evicted, but he then went into a nice group home (and was made a ward of the state)… I would take him grocery shopping (though he got meals and his medications doled out every day) out to lunch and for haircuts. Then he fell and broke his ankle… He ended up residing in a nursing home for the last few years, keeping to himself, refusing medical help for his eyesight, teeth, and even fighting the people trying to x-ray his ankle. So I call and check in with the nursing home but he refuses to call me any more. He’s in his late 60’s by now…It breaks my heart, we have no relatives left. I remember our childhood days. But I did do something for him by taking him for errands and so on. Even though he ruined all our lives, and our mother cared for nothing, nothing but her poor sick baby. I did something, saw him every week, and I think that was enough. I didn’t have to give him money or pay for his living expenses, it’s all taken care of by NY State.
Everyone in this thread is right about how you absolutely should not let your brother move in with you or provide continued monetary assistance. That only ends up with both of you broke and on the street.
But I get that rationally recognizing that doesn’t just make the feeling of guilt go away. It’s hard to start enforcing lines when you’ve been conditioned your whole life to be “the responsible one” and to put others’ needs and wants ahead of your own. But you can do this – you have to do this – and we’re all behind you and here for you.
I made the phone call.
I cut the cord.
Mostly.
I will conttinue to keep his phone live, at my expense.
Hugs and sympathy for you. Our family has gone through some similar issues, and it is hard. When the troubling thoughts and feelings return, notice them, acknowledge them, and then remind yourself you have done the right thing and are moving forward. Repeat as necessary. It gets easier with time. You have done the right thing. I hope you can find some peace with this soon.
Pay for his phone? Sure, I can see that working? Mostly…
Two ways to go, pay his phone, but don’t take his calls.
Or, take his calls and hang up whenever he asks for money, or things that require money.
Otherwise, this is big nothing burger and you know how it goes exactly.
If you really want it to stop…stop doing the dance.
Good Luck!
This. But also follow up on the care he’s getting. Sometimes patients fall through the cracks if they don’t have an advocate. You can show your love that way.
He needs a job.
Therefore, he needs a phone/phone number.
Excellent advice.
I had a similar situation with my brother and I was his behind the scenes advocate for many years.
Very difficult position to be in.
It’s a process to detach and still remain involved.
Sounded upthread like a job wasn’t that realistic, given so many problems your brother faces. But a phone also keeps him contactable by plenty of other support agencies, should he choose and be able to use them. Supporting him that way sounds appropriate and sensible to me.
The kind of ‘learned helplessness’ displayed by people that ask their family for money, a room or anything else like that, is a difficult habit to break. Probably made much harder when living with a mental illness.
Encouraging him to stick with the professional help he’s now receiving is going to do a lot of good for you both, while at the same time, being firm with your boundaries.
Easy to say, of course. But providing simply a consistent, compassionate voice is really admirable - and benefits you both in the longer term. I wish you the best.
His job is not ever gonna happen.
Don’t finance the phone. Don’t pay it. It’s his umbilical cord to you.
It will suck you dry.
Surely he gets some kinda SS or SSDI. He can get a free phone with that, with usage with limits.
Not your problem.
I know it sounds cruel. But he’s using you.
I’m proud of what you’ve done to break away. Make it a clean cut.
For your own good.
Good on you for doing this, and only this. Letting him move in with you could have made it nearly impossible to ever remove him. This is a good compromise.
Sending you support!