So I’m at college (I’m 19, and a transfer student) and a couple weekends ago, I got drunk and made out with this guy who lives on my hall–we didn’t do anything dirty at all. The next night, while sober, we talked about it, and realized that neither of us regreted it at all. So we kinda had a regular thing for about two weeks, until a little bit ago, when we had this talk about what we has going on (aways a good idea in theory). We agreed that we liked exactly what we had now, and we didn’t really want any committment. And I was okay with that. The thing is, he hasn’t touched me since then. At all. And when I asked him about it, he answered “I don’t know.” He didn’t try to bullshit an excuse, or skirt the question, he just looked me in the eye and said “I don’t know.” I was all pissed off and “What a jerk! I’m not wasting my time with him anymore!” even though we all know that’s a vicious lie. Anyway, yesterday, he said to be “Hey, I’m really sorry I blew you off a couple days ago.” And then his idiot roommate came in, so he sisn’t really say anything else. I have no idea what’s up with him. Am I wasting my time? Or is it worth continuing this until it totally destroys my self-esteem?
Move on. Don’t waste your time trying to figure this guy out. Sounds like he’s playing some kind of mind game.
Either way, it doesn’t matter. You both seemed to have agreed on a casual romanticism, at each other’s whim. That seems to be exactly what’s happening, so what’s the problem?
Wait… so you wanna know if you’re wasting your time on a guy that you’re just using to play suck face that you’re not committed to? Is there anything else in this relationship, any intimacy, and emotional attachment, any deep conversation, etc? If not, then I don’t know why you don’t go get yourself another man. And if this current one isn’t a real committment in the first place, it shouldn’t even really be a problem. And if he’s up to more “fun” in the future, there’s nothing wrong with friends making eachother feel good as long as they both know it’s just as friends, which this relationship seems to be. Good luck, keep us posted.
Is it ever?
I should point out that I really love the company of this guy. I think he is fantastic, and I;ve had lots of enjoyable conversations with him, and I would like to persue a relationship with him, but at the same time, I think it would be a bad idea so early in the school year, especially since I’m kinda new to the college scene (I spent my entire freshman year at another college holed up in my room). It’s not a totally casual, emotionless thing (at least not for me).
Not to be blunt, but it sounds like you’re young and inexperienced and have fallen for the first college guy you kissed at the first college party you got drunk at. My advice would be, take him for what he is to you: A fun fling. And don’t get hung up on someone so fast. There will be plenty more where he came from.
God, see what you’ve done? I sound like my mom!
aHA! So you do want a relationship, you just want to take it slow. But you’ve fallen into the trap of “telling this guy what you think he wants to hear in order not to freak him out with your real feelings.” Bad idea! Hard to back out of!
You are quite probably wasting your time, but there are ways to make sure without putting too much on the line.
My advice: play it cool for a few days, make him come to you. No chasing him, mooning around him, emailing him, playing weird games. Just go about your life. This is the “is he jerking me around test.” If he comes to you, then he likes you. If he doesn’t, you know that you are wasting your time.
If he comes to you, be honest. “Hey, I think I spoke a little too soon. I think you are fantastic, and I really like spending time with you (and making out with you). When I said “casual” what I should have said is ‘let’s do this, but let’s take it really slow and become good friends above all.’” For all the reasons you stated - you don’t want to get intensely involved with someone right at the beginning of school.
Good luck! I’ve definitely been there. Oh Lordy have I been there.
Wow, Magdalane! That, I think, is the best advice I’ve never recieved about anything in my life, ever. Seriously, that is much better than the “He’s an idiot. Forget about him abd hook up with the guy downstairs” advice my friends give me. Thanks so much.
Well, Swiddles didn’t name me the Patron Saint of Quality-Advice Laden Posters (and that fantastic new lipstick feeling) for nothing! :rolleyes:
Your friends have a definite point! And you always have that option to fall back on. But if you can hold out a few days, then you can find out for sure - this guy can’t hurt you unless you let him. Oh, I forgot to say - during your period of being cool and distant, don’t be weird about it. If he seeks you out, be nice and natural with him - just don’t do any seeking yourself.
Good luck, and give us details.
Thank you, Magdalene, for your advice, but I don’t know how it worked out. I just told him “I spoke too soon, I really like you, we probably need to redefine our relationship,” and so on, but he sorta blew me off again. So it’s probably over. Thank you, though.
To me it sounds like he is the one who wants a casual no strings attached fling and he backs off every time you try to have a serious talk about what it all means. Quit trying to analyze it and just do what feels good.
Sorry it didn’t work out! At least you know before wasting a lot more time on him. You did the right thing and gave him a chance to step up - never be embarrassed about putting yourself out there. I hope you are doing okay, and that you’ll move on to the boys down the hall pretty soon.
Listen to Express Yourself by Madonna a few times and get back on the horse!
This Year’s Girl
Slight hijack-didn’t you used to post over at Hissyfit?
I THOUGHT your name sounded familiar!
Well, I have to say that at least the guy was honest about his feelings, or confusion about his feelings. He sounds like a pretty okay guy to me.
I think magdalene gave you some really good advice. It may not be over, it may just take some time for him to remember that the two of you had lots of things in common, and that you were good “together.”
Live your life well, and if the two of you belong together at all, he’ll “come home, dragging his tail behind him.”
(Sorry, I got hijacked by a nursery rhyme from my childhood. Which I obviously never grew out of.)
ThisYearsGirl, how old is this guy?