Here’s the story. I’m going overseas on a student exchange next year (leaving in January). A few months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of the last 3 years. The break-up was inspired largely by my plans to leave. First relationship, didn’t want to commit to a long-distance relationship, I was ready to try new things blah blah.
So, one of the new things I was ready to try came in the form of this fellow named B. We met in July and hit it off in one of those antagonistic, giving-each-other-shit sort of friendships. We were also pretty attracted to each other.
One night awhile ago (while I was still with my boyfriend) B and I met up in town. B ended up spending the whole evening with me and my friends, with the two of us keep hanging out long after the others left for the night. We found ourselves at daybreak with a bottle of wine, talking and ‘cuddling’. Things were really nice and we spent the night and morning together. We were affectionate and playful but didn’t kiss or otherwise do any activities that would cross clear boundaries.
I was pretty into B at this stage and knew I would be seeing him soon again at another gathering in town. I had also made up my mind to break up with the boyfriend, and just needed to decide when to do it. Made the (misguided?) decision to leave it until after the gathering where I’d see B. I figured that if I were single and available, B and I would hook up. While I had every intention of going after B once I was single, I really enjoyed our chemistry and listened to more experienced friends who suggested that if I made it easy we would probably just hook up once and then he’d lose interest.
So. Second night together, and once the night comes to an end and we are free of the rest of the crowd, we become physically affectionate again and both of us plan with minimal pretense to sleep in the same bed. Yeah, this is stupid of me. We still haven’t actually kissed or ‘done anything’ but it’s fairly obvious that we’re both very interested in doing so.
While we are sitting on the couch flirting and joking around, B’s hands wandering further afield than before, I make some comment about how what he was doing was ok because it was above my clothing. However, once we are in bed in the dark, it becomes obvious how good things can still feel through clothing. Where what we were previously doing was, for me, a slow scuffing over of the acceptable line in the sand, it now feels that to let this continue would be taking a flying leap over that line. I’m not prepared to do that while I still technically have a boyfriend. So, I stop B’s hands, but this is less of a clear-cut change in pace and more of a continual back and forth negotiaton that starts to annoy both of us. Unlike the first night, where the mood was exciting and fun, the focus of this night becomes on what we’re *not *doing. Also, now B is not really in the mood to backtrack to the fun teasing-and-cuddling thing.
After this point, I don’t see B for ages. I break up with my boyfriend. Try to arrange to catch up with B but he either happens to busy on each suggested occasion or is trying to avoid me. I know we left on a bad note but I feel like we just need to get it out of systems, have sex and start afresh. In the meantime I fall into this intimate friendship/couply situation with another guy (C ) but we ultimately decide not to go there. I don’t feel anywhere near the physical chemistry with C as I did with B.
Now, C, who was a big source of emotional support immediately after the breakup, has now distanced himself from me and without him as my go-to guy it’s now really hitting me that I’m single. B’s apparent lack of initiative/interest in seeing me means that he has become this unattainable, mysterious thing in my head.
The problem is that I am – and I don’t know how else to put this! – really horny for B. It’s ridiculous, because I haven’t seen him for so long, so my feelings are somewhat disproportionate to what they should be. I recently texted B a long-winded, chatty message making it clear that I really wanted to see him again.
He replied saying that he was flat out with exams at the moment but that we could catch up after that sometime. Not sure if that is (another?) blow-off, if he just wants to keep his options open or if he actually plans to see me after that. I am the kind of person who really likes having things set so I would really rather hear a flat-out no rather than this in between stuff, particularly given my wish to snap out of this pathetic mental tendency of thinking about him all the time. My desire to be single and meet new guys was not exactly a desire to become obsessed with one guy and compare all others to him.
Other things:
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Although he was confident to the point of cocky and physically sure of himself with me, I don’t think B actually has much experience with girls.
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Even when I knew he was interested, B rarely initated social gatherings but was more likely to decide at the last minute to come along to events. From what I’ve seen he is impulsive by nature.
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If ‘emotionally gushy’ was at one end of the spectrum, I think B would be on the other end. I wouldn’t be surprised if the way he acted with me on the first night was uncharacteristically open and sweet. Unfortunately I think I trampled all over that, perhaps taking our ‘antagonistic’ relationship too far.
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What I intended as teasing out of affection (particularly on the second night) he seemed to take quite personally. So, you can probably assume B felt rejected and annoyed when we last saw each other.
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He was more physically into it than I was, or at least expressed it more than I did, when we were together. I guess I felt that enjoying things passively was less like cheating on my boyfriend than actively doing things to B would have been. But, now, all I want is to… do things to B! I do have enough of a sense of social preservation, however, to keep me from blatantly begging a guy to let me suck his dick when he has not expressed any interest in seeing me…
Anyone who’s read this far:
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Tell me: in your knowledgeable opinion, what is going on in his mind?
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More to the point, tell me: how I can convince him to want to see me again? People have described B as socially awkward, but he surely possesses 1. A memory; 2. An imagination; and 3. The ability to pick up a phone. So, I have to conclude that for whatever reason, his memory/imagination aren’t leading him to the same place as mine are. I feel that if we caught up again, the natural course of events would make all this resolve itself. It’s just… getting to that point that is the problem.
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Alternatively: how can I get him out of my mind? What works, for getting over a little mental obsession?
It’s not that I think that sleeping together once will help me get over it - it’s more that I think doing that (whether once or multiple times!) would make both of us happy and then there would be no need to ‘get over it’. But I take your point.