My disaster

me and my boyfriend were together for just under 1 year. he was speaking about having kids and getting married. i thought everything was going well. one day he went to work in the morning but did the usual gave me a kiss said i love you and so on but once he had left for work he sent me an sms text message saying its over he wasn’t coming home. I haven’t seen him since and he still hasn’t told me why. that was nearly 6 weeks ago and I’m still waiting. everyone says i deserve better and can do better than that but inside I am absolutely devastated. i am only 18 so i will meet someone else hopefully but i just don’t understand why.

Welcome to the SDMB, Choochoo. Rather than bringing up an old thread, I’ve split your post off to a new thread, and moved it to our advice-giving forum, IMHO. I’m sure folks will be along soon to share their thoughts.

Again, welcome.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator

He wasn’t man enough or mature enough to tell you to your face that he was leaving, so it’s more than likely that he isn’t going to tell you why he did it. Not having that closure makes getting over someone a little bit harder, but it can be done.

Don’t wait around for answers. There are billions of men on the planet and you will surely find a better one than him.

It doesn’t matter why. It won’t bring him back. He doesn’t want to be with you any longer, and didn’t want to tell you in person.

You’re only 18, and that is so young. At your age, I’d gone through something similar. I’d been long-distance dating a guy two years older since I was a junior in high school, and by the start of my sophomore year in college, he wanted to end it but to not actually deal with the breakup. So he started the “ignore her and she’ll dump me” method, claiming being busy for the lack of communication whenever I did get hold of him. (He admitted this to me much later on.) I found a much better guy. I ended up marrying him and we’re still together, years later.

Stop waiting for him. Be pissed at him that he couldn’t be a little more respectful on his way out of your life. Mourn the remains of the relationship and move on. I know a year feels like forever now, but it’s almost nothing in comparison to be rest of your life. Someday you’ll be glad this guy dumped you now rather than marrying you, having a couple kids with you, kissing you goodbye one morning and then texting you that he was divorcing you and you can expect to hear from his lawyer next.

Yeah it sucks. My last former girlfriend did something similar. One day she was talking about “growing old together.” Then I got a call at work, “I can’t really talk right now but I’m breaking up with you.”

Don’t expect answers, and if you get them don’t expect them to make sense. My answers included such winners as, “You didn’t display enough empathy for the Japanese quake victims.”

Time will heal this wound. You will find another. Take the time to mourn the loss of the relationship and then go find your joy.

Congratulations on what will be the first of many life learning experiences. In the game of life it is your goal to have as many of these without screwing up too bad in order to win.

In this case you broke up with the kind of person who would leave you via text message. You don’t have any long term consequences (ie:kids) so you are free to move on. As with any new experience you are allowed to have a mourning period but time is up, time to go on.

So you will be fine, life is going to throw a lot worse at you before it is over. You are quite good for now.

Welcome to the board. For your own edification, surf it and read all about what everyone else is dealing with. There is a lot going on here. You may find it rewarding.

Good luck!

The bad news: You probably never will understand why, in terms of getting an explanation. To the extent that he knows why, I suspect he doesn’t want to say for fear of it being hurtful to you and/or it making him look like a fickle jerk.

The not-so-bad news: This is more or less normal, as young men (I assume he’s close to you in age) tend to not have a fully-formed capacity to love and commit. I speak from experience, having been a young man once, and (sadly) having been a fickle jerk at times. He may have been sincere, to the degree he was able, about wanting marriage and kids, but then came to the realization that he was a long way from ready to proceed in that direction.

The good news: It was better for it to end now than for the problem to surface later when you’re more involved, maybe even married. Most people (men and women) are still growing and developing emotionally throughout their 20’s. I observed a number of folks who got married in their early 20’s who then divorced after several years. A pairing formed in your late 20’s/early 30’s has a better chance for long-term success.

The really good news: You will meet others and you will do better. No question it hurts now, but the experience will help you grow into a position that will lead to greater happiness in the future.

He’s a coward.

Cowardice is a really unattractive thing. Eventually you’ll realise that his cowardice overwhelms all positive things you may have perceived in him, and probably still do now.

As Bartman says, don’t expect any sense from him. Don’t even bother contacting him again - any answers he may give will only raise ten more questions that won’t have satisfactory answers either. The actual answer is almost certainly: he met someone else. Sorry to tell you that.

The good news is you’re only 18. You have a long time to grieve if required, then meet someone better. And you will - I’m old, and despite thinking I never would again, I met someone better after everything fell apart for me, too.

Bartman, that sucks dude. I’m sorry.



What Ender said.

You tight-wads must have some serious issues if you can’t easily read what she wrote.

To say that lack of initial caps in a sentence is on the same level as what you just did is laughable at the very least.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. As the others have said, your ex was too much of a coward to tell you to your face. It still hurts, though. Take good care of yourself.

Good luck ChooChoo,

I’m 25, not much older than you, but old enough to say that you’ll be able to pull through. I’ve been through very similar situations as to what you are describing, and so has my sister, where a guy will just walk out of your life with no explanation at all after you thought everything was going well.

This really means one thing. He wasn’t being honest with you about something. Maybe he wasn’t being honest about wanting kids, or wanting to spend his whole life with you, etc. It was easier for him to just walk away and never have to face his dishonesty, and that’s what he chose. He took the easy way out at your expense.

You deserve better, and you will find better. Don’t be in a rush to get into another relationship, and don’t let it drive you to destructive behavior. Reflect on your relationship, learn from it, learn how you might make your next relationship even better.

I have found that when you are devastated emotionally, hurting deep down inside, these are the moments when you can really push yourself to grow, learn and develop.

Good luck to you.

You are so lucky! You didn’t get married or have kids with this guy before finding out what an asshole he is. You should be celebrating. Now get dressed to kill, and get out there and bag a keeper.

For a long time now, I have been trying (TRYING!) to convince my husband that a parent should NEVER ask a kid “why.”

Because when you ask a kid “why,” you are ALWAYS upset about something. ALWAYS.

And there is NOTHING a kid can answer that would satisfy you. Really! And usually the kid just pours gasoline on the fire by saying something stupid, like, “I don’t know.”

Through the years, I’ve amended this advice to include EVERYONE, not just kids.

Think about it. When you are in a situation that provokes you to ask the question, “why,” you are probably upset, or confused, or unhappy. “Why did you do that?” The “why” question immediately puts the other person the defensive, and NOBODY likes to be on the defensive!

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that the world would be a much more peaceful place if the entire human race would just FORGET about ever asking the question, “why.”

Because we’re not gonna find any answers to that question in this lifetime.


Would knowing why make it any better? Are you willing to change who you are for a guy? I hope not. You have to be yourself first.

In the long run, it doesn’t matter why. You have learned all you need to know about this guy: he can’t be trusted to talk to you when/if there is a problem. That is the death of any relationship. Be glad you found out now, instead of later.

It will hurt for a while, but what you are mourning is what you thought you had, not what you actually had. Mourn it. Learn from it. Focus on other things for a while, and move on.

Best of luck, and {{{hugs}}}. Getting dumped like that sucks sweaty donkey balls.

Not knowing why sucks. Sucks hard. I’ve had it happen a couple of times. Recently too and I’m freaking 47! And you know, finding out later just exactly “why” was no help at all.

18 is FAR TOO YOUNG to be discussing marriage and kids. You need to date like 6 more guys before you have that conversation again.

In retrospect I admit that I was being dickish. Actually, I knew it at the time, but was in a dickish mood. I apologize. Hope **Choochoo **got the help she needed.

Oh sweetheart…been there, got the T shirt and ripped it in two in anguish.
Didn’t change a thing.
You guys do everything by text. I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody hasn’t proposed to somebody by text, or somebody else has been notified of the death of a loved one after a ringtone of C. Lo’s Forget You.

It happens. The heart wants what it wants, and sometimes it’s not you.
Cry, think about what might have been and wonder why it didn’t.
Then let it go and go have fun. It’s not the end of YOUR world.
Consider it a learning experience, okay? Wisdom is just experience, if you’ve learned anything from it. That’s why there are old souls…and old fools.

Go be foolish and have some fun because you really don’t know what’s around the corner.

Why? Is it somehow “better” to tell a girl to her face that you don’t want to be with her because you don’t lover her / found someone else / she got too fat or annoying? Why does he need to create some forum for her to scream at him or throw shit?