Ramiele?
Teen boys don’t vote. They’re busy playing Guitar Hero III and huffing glue.
I have to applaud Ryan for not being cutesy with the vote-off results by saying “David Archuleta, David Cook, Syesha Mercado… two will compete for the next American Idol… and who those two are… we’ll find out… after this commercial” and then returning sixteen minutes of commercials later with
“David Archuleta… gosh, you’re safe! Syesha… take Daddy his crack pipe cause he can light up again, you’re going back to Sarasota! DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU HAD A CHANCE! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO SEE IF IT’S THE TERRIFIED GAY MORMON KID OR THE ONE WHO STABBED HIS BRO IN THE BACK ON A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N I-D-O-L!!!”
Highlights to me- and for those who haven’t seen it-
David Archuleta returned to Murray, UT, a suburb of SLC, where he lives with his Ted Levine as Buffalo Bill clone father Jeff (“You don’t know what melisma is!”) and his doll of a mom in one of Utah’s few remaining Bluth & Co. McMansions. He attended several functions where thousands of screaming tween girls, one of whom had to blocked by a bodyguard (anybody else see him throw her arm down for grabbing him?) and repeatedly used the vulgarity “Gosh…gosh… gosh… gosh…” and said “I just gosh can’t believe… gosh… how many people came out today…”, only to be kicked aside by his dad before he could finish the sentence “and I’m gonna make it one more!”
He was then given the key to the city by Wyatt Earp and, in a Utah tradition for honoring native sons, given his choice of any twelve tween she-Mormons to be his wives for time and eternity (though as his agent and manager, his father receives 6 of them).
I keed too, but I really feel sorry for this kid. I think he’s a total basket case, and if the gay suspicions are correct I can only imagine what he’s going through (Mormon, terribly sheltered, overbearing father, screaming girls, etc.), though even if he’s straighter than the road to hell he has some kind of issues at play. Well, I don’t think we’ll be seeing him hack off his hair and wearing short skirts without panties on Rodeo Drive at least.
Next up Syesha, whose recovering addict father credited her success with his sobriety (there’s a way to not put pressure on her) and who also had a mobbed emotional homecoming. The city of Sarasota is so proud of her that they resurrected the late Floridian Esther Rolle to give her the key to the city and the late comedienne Imogene Coca to further honor her, though when zombie Imogene decided to try and levitate we discovered once again that “sometimes dead is bettah”.
And David Cook went back to his hometown of Blue Springs after doing yet another purloined arrangement, this time copying stage superstar Edwin Booth by sharing a stage with his mustachioed and seethingly jealous kid brother who didn’t make the show. There, in a parade filled with the most gender mixed group of the three (which if you noticed included one of the 70 known lookalike bastard sons of the late Colonel Sanders) he was the third to cry, though not as hard as his brother (who was singing the song with him from the back of the audience while obviously fantasizing of the day he’ll cause the stampede that kills his brother and pins his young son Simba that it was his fault).
Oh, and there was the obligatory BRADY BUNCH VARIETY SINGALONG (getting even lamer now that Greg, Marcia, and Jan are all gone), and the Ford commercial. (Does anybody know if the singers get Fords? I saw Cook on an interview in which he said that his first purchase if he wins the big money will be a new car to replace his 12 year old Jeep; it would really really suck if they have to dance like monkeys for Ford products and then don’t get one.)
Anyway, then the surprise: Syesha was voted off. NOBODY saw that coming. And Fantasia came out and either sang or had a schizoaffective fit, wasn’t too sure as I fast forwarded through most of it and just saw enough to see she was screaming at a balcony. And Simon went another week without saying “Sometimes, Ryan, when I can’t sleep, I think of all the things I’d love to do to you with a vice clamp and a pair of scissors so heated they’re glowing”.
Next week- this’ll be cool. May Archuleta win [and by win I mean get financial independence and laid in some order] and David C. follow the north star to freedom (Missouri’s a border state so he’s halfway there).
Kept waiting to hear David A. say “oh my heck!” over and over. If you ever spent time in SLC, you know what I mean. I’m so afraid he’s going to win - mainly because every family in his hometown has 4 or 5 young girls who will vote vote vote.
May not be the season with most talent, but David C. is original and stylish, so I hope he wins. I just hope they have a long, lingering shot of Michael Johns in the audience next week 
Speaking of, was that David Hernandez they showed in the audience early in the broadcast?
Yes indeedy it was. Still waiting for him to show his real talents. Maybe on the finale.
And as usual Sampiro, your recap had me laughing so hard I sprayed wine out of my nose all over my keyboard.
Um, y’all? They’re all under contract to 19 Entertainment, regardless of who wins. They have to sign their lives away to be on the show, the loopholes were tightened up after Clay successfully sued to get away from them in season 2. The entire top ten (or is it top twelve?) get to go on the tour and they all have a record contract, the winner is the one who gets the million dollars promotion is all. Notice all the former contestants coming back to sing? Elliot Yamin, Kim Locke, Fantasia, Bo Bice, they’re basically all still owned by 19 Entertainment. The only difference between Cook and Archuleta next week is which one gets the huge PR push and which doesn’t.
Yes, Sampiro they’ve given both the winner and first runner-up brand new Fords in seasons past, usually Mustangs iirc.
Fantasia = awesome.
Big ass. Red hair. Stomping & marching & screaming, “yeah yeah yeah” while hot chicks crooned in the background. I loved that. That was rock & roll. That was Mick Jagger.
Simon’s expression was hilarious.
I actually had to turn the volume down and leave the room when Fantasia was on. It was just so shrieky!
Really. “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now”? :rolleyes: There may be lamer 70’s pop, but I’m hard pressed to come up with an example. Maybe the Dan Fogelberg thing they made David sing Tuesday.
And I do believe one them was indeed about to be stopp’d.
I muted Fantasia. Her scratchy voice makes me want to reach for a bag of cough drops.
Seriously, what is “melisma” ?
IIII-EEEEE-IIIII will always love you.
“runs” as Randy calls them.
Melisma is the thing that David A does to shit all over the actual melody of every song he sings. It’s when you take one syllable of a word in a song and sing it as 47 different notes. It sucked when Whitney Houston did it. It sucked when Mariah Carey did it. It especially sucks when David A. does it because he doesn’t know enough musically to even do it at appropriate times, he just throws it in all over the place for no reason.
Prediction for David A’s career in a couple of years: Christian radio.
Not a value judgment; I just think his voice (and his upbringing) make him a natural fit for Christian pop.
Prediction for ten years after that: headlining at the David Cassidy Theater of a major Vegas casino as LaTorra Flambe, the world’s most successful and melodic drag queen in an act referred to as “When Streisand Met Liberace”.
Or, starring as Simba in Disney’s THE LION KING (where I think he’d rule [if he wasn’t to shy to show his nipples]).
How much do I hate David A? I recognize that he has an excellent basic instrument in his throat. But he’s like the male version of The Divas: Barbra, Celine, Mariah… fabulous instrument put to horrible use.
Plus, I simply cannot STAND to look at him. Seriously. My skin crawls, between the squinty eyes and the weird mouth. Ick.
Cook is cool.
Anyone know where study hall is?