Recently, I took exception to a ruling by Lynn in the BBQ Pit and, in a fit of rather self-righteous indignation, effectively dared her to remove my posting privileges. She obliged me. I then took a wrong-headed crusade to a message board that, though not affiliated officially with SDMB as far as I know, is often frequented by SDMB members and is in fact administered by an SDMB member. There, I vented my indignation in a manner that was childish, spiteful, and inconsiderate. I opened one thread that was a mean-spirited parody, and another that was a pathetic celebration of my suspension.
There are no legitimate excuses for what I did. I deliberately and wrecklessly insulted Lynn who already has more hardship than a human being should have to carry. I took infantile swipes at people who had done me no harm. I lashed out at Gaudere in a rather shameful mood of self-pity and self-imposed dispair. I don’t think I mentioned any other names in my tirades, but I held in contempt an entire community of friends that included people who had supported me in times of emotional need.
I am, to my detriment, an extremely emotional and passionate man. But I am not crazy, and I know right from wrong. What I did was wrong.
In the quiet period of reflection that followed my snit, I was haunted by what I had done. Life’s lessons sometimes are learned by the hard hammer of experience. Once in a while, good things come out of bad. If anything good has come of this, it is a new realization and understanding of myself. When I’d had these sorts of fits before, I came out of them by pushing myself ever higher on the pedestal of my own self-admiration. By elevating myself, I rose above what was underneath. But anytime a man flies too high, his wings will be burned by the sun.
This time, I did not rise. I fell. I fell down so far that only the arms of my faith could rescue me. “Look at what you’ve done,” my God told me. “I commanded you to love. I appointed you to be a conduit for My goodness. You have laid to waste My work, and have made a mockery of My name. It was I Whom you insulted. It was I at Whom you aimed your rifle of hate. I am Love. Worship Me in goodness and in truth.”
My God is a good God. He allows me the freedom of will to make an ass of myself, but in His infinite love, he rescues me when I call out to Him. The administrators of SDMB are good, too. My very presence here now is a testament to their fairness and kindness.
Lynn, I’m very sorry. Jesus teaches that His yoke is light and easy to bear, and I placed upon your shouders a burden that was onerous and heavy. It is not for me to interpret the rules here. It is not for me to set board policy. And it is not for me to question your judgment. A member in good standing ought to facilitate and not obstruct your vision of what the board should be. I am not exercising some intrinsic right to be here; rather, I am here because of your gracious permission as the representative of the site owners. The rights are yours, not mine.
To everyone in general, I apologize and ask for your forgiveness but not your indulgence. I don’t deserve any sort of praise or welcome for my return. I’m just glad to be still a part of one of the finest communities on the Internet.
